A few years ago I had a nephew that committed suicide. He had attempted it a few times before he succeeded. He had a lot of problems that were overlooked, marked up as normal teenage issues. No one could understand what had happened. I couldn't understand it either. I remember the first time I heard about someone ending their own life, I was a young teenager. My dentist's wife had cancer and took her own life. I remember thinking that it just didn't make sense, because it just seemed so wrong. The occasions I have heard about it since then have affected me the same way, it doesn't make sense, nothing could be that bad, nothing is hopeless, or serious enough to end your life over. I had known periods of depression in my life, but nothing that made killing myself seem like an option.
This has been a huge year for me. My life has turned 180 degrees in a short period of time. At times changes were coming so fast that the 180 seemed more like an out of control tail spin. One minute I was on top of the world, the next I was deep in the valley of despair. Happy, sad, excited, depressed, laughing, crying. Lives ended, new lives began, I started a solo journey, I made dreams come true, I found self worth, I found joy, I found heartache. If there was an emotion out there, I have probably experienced it this past year. Fear, pride, excitement, nervousness. I have had to walk out of church services more times that you can imagine because of crying. I have shed a million tears on the altar. I have had so many people pray with me, as I poured out my heart to the Lord. I know without a doubt that I am saved. I have no fear of where I am going when I die. I just am not in a rush to die. But I struggle. There are times that I have heard about someone committing suicide and gotten angry. I have lashed out in anger and said that I don't believe anything could ever be bad enough to make this the answer.... And I have never struggled with suicidal thoughts the way I have in the past couple of months.
I am not a suicidal person at all. Not at all. I saw the agony that my family went through after my nephew's death. I would never do that to my family. I would never leave my kids to find my body, to deal with the "what if's". I know God has a plan for my life, and that would never be part of His plan. But the thoughts still remain. At first I thought it was the medication I was on for anxiety, so I changed medication. But the thoughts have recently came back. I struggle with inner fears, with loneliness, with loss of friendships. I have health situations that are wearing me down. I hurt. I have struggled with periods of insomnia so severe that I was literally functioning on a couple of hours of sleep a night, if that much. For weeks. And that is when those little thoughts trickle in to my head. "take some pills, you will feel better, take lots of them, and the pain will stop." "life is never going to get any better, you will always be alone, no one loves you." "No one would miss you if you were gone. Your kids would be better off than having to deal with a mother like you."
I have disturbing dreams. I dream about death. I know this makes me sound crazy and I am not. I think God is giving me insight to the hopelessness that people can feel, that drives them to this. Because suicide comes from being hopeless. Hopeless. The opposite of hopeful. If you are hopeful, you know that life will get better. That there is a purpose, and that the mountain is just around the bend. But if you are hopeless, then you are without hope. Nothing will get better, it will always be worse. I have been hopeful and I have been hopeless. I am not hopeless, but I have felt that feeling.
I know that depression has two causes, one is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and one is situational. I know that both types of depression can lead to suicide. You cannot pray your way out of depression, you cannot talk your way out of depression, you have to get help, you have to have God in your life and you have to have supportive friends. I just do not know how you can survive it without these things.
There are times I have felt as wrung out as an old holey dishrag. When moving takes more energy than I have. But I have a full load to carry and not moving is not an option for me. So each day I climb out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other to get through the day. I sing praise songs, I hum if I can't sing. I smile when I don't feel like it. I work in the public so I have no choice but to talk to people, which keeps me from isolating completely, which is what I want to do most. I can spend hours looking at the wall. I have planned out my funeral in my mind, I have visualized it, as if I was actually sitting there watching it. I see my friends walking past me, I hear the nice things they say about me, things they have said to me in real life, but I never let them sink in to my thick head. My friends tell me I am amazing, awesome, smart, funny, an amazing cook, a great writer, a wonderful friend, a good mom. I lay in the casket of my mind, and hear them say these things. So why can I not apply these truths to my life now, to give me hope and to raise my spirits? Why do I feel like Job, sitting in ashes, scraping my sores and wondering what I did to deserve what I am going through? I have value. My kids love me, they think I am the best mom ever, even when I am struggling. My family loves me, even though we have differences, and I am not their blood family. The parts of my birth family that I care about, love me as well. My church family loves me,whether or not I come to church with a pan of something yummy that I have baked them.
I would never take my own life. I know that for certain. God has a set time for me to leave this world and join Him in heaven. Its not up to me to make that happen any sooner. He has work for me to do here. I have places to travel to, dreams to fulfill, grandbabies to watch grow up, and new bacon recipes to try. But I don't feel anger at people who take the sad hopeless journey to forever. I won't call it the easy way out, because I don't think it is a decision that comes easy. I think many times it is a spur of the moment decision, that with further thought maybe would be decided another way. I think many times it happens in the heat of the moment, when the hopelessness gets to be more than they can bear. When the demons whispering in their ear start to make sense. I have a great empathy for those who struggle with these tendencies. I am not sure if my depression is chemical or situational. I know that my body is in an emotional overload. But the good greatly outnumbers the bad. I have friends, and family that love me. I have a support team that is amazingly wonderful. I have God in my corner, and I know He has faith in me to get past this "Job" time in my life. The bible says that God will never let us be tempted more than we can bear, and He will always provide a way out of it, so we can stand up under it. I just have to keep looking for that way out. Keep looking up. Keep the faith. Suicide is a very real, very scary thing. My heart aches for those left behind, but it also aches for those who have taken that road. Because "there but for the grace of God, go I." Life can be bad, but it can always get better. Suicide takes away the possibility of it getting better. My cup may be half empty, but sooner or later, someone will be there to fill it back up. And there are days that it absolutely overflows. I know that suicide is a real and serious issue, but I have faith in God to get me past those thoughts. It may be something I struggle with until I learn the lesson that God is trying to show me. But I know it is a path I would never go down. Tomorrow can always be better than the problems of today.
And besides, I have a freezer full of bacon and I don't want anyone eating that but me......
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