the trouble with walls

There is an old Rick Springfield song called Human Touch, I remember listening to it in the 80's. There was a line in it that said, "You know I've got my walls, Sally calls them prison cells." I have always had walls around my heart. I never wanted to let people in, because then I could get hurt. I kept people at arms length, because if you let them too close, then they could see the things you tried to hide. Then they would have ammunition to hurt you, or to control your life, It gave people power over you. So I had really, REALLY big walls. Great wall of China walls.

 

But as time went on, I realized that walls were lonely. I didn't want to get hurt, so I didn't really have a lot of friends, because friends could hurt you. I had fair weather friends. The kind that were there in the good times but left when things got hard. I couldn't make true friends, because I had to keep them at arms reach. A friend told me last year, that walls were bad. That they kept you from getting hurt, but they also kept you from experiencing the real joys in life. That even though there was no guarantee that you would not get hurt in life, the good would definitely outweigh the bad. This friend kept chipping away at the walls, until there got to be a hole. Then the people in my life noticed the hole, and started to pull the bricks away more and more, until they were able to get inside the wall. 

And yes, I got hurt, there were times that the pain of betrayal was so bad, that I wanted to put the walls back up, to push everyone out of my life and go back to my solitary life. But what I found, was the ones who cared enough to tear down the walls and come inside, loved me too much to leave. Oh there are still the ones who just want to look inside and see if there are any good skeletons that they can gossip about, or use to hurt me. There are the ones that want to be my friends when times are good, or those who just want to remind me they are my friend when they need or want something. But, there are those who keep tearing the walls down. They aren't content to just be inside the walls with me, they want the walls gone, so that I can experience the fullness of life. And its painful. There are times I feel emotionally naked, and because I had spent so many years hidden inside those walls, I am not equipped for life on the outside. I trust the wrong people, I say things I shouldn't because I was so used to keeping things bottled up inside that now that I am opening up and talking about things, I don't know how to shut up! 

Emotionally, its like a prisoner being let out after so many years, I feel raw at times. I talk about things I have kept bottled up for far too long, out of fear, or shame, or regret. And I realize that I am not alone in this. That there are others out there that have struggled with the same things I have. They have been caught up behind their own walls, battled their own demons and lived that same solitary, lonely life that I have for so many years. Walls can make you feel safe, but its a half life, because life is about taking chances. If you never overcome your fear of falling, how are you ever going to soar like the eagles? If you never let anyone love you, how are you going to know what love feels like? Yes, there is the agony of heartbreak as well, but even when your heart is broken, there is that feeling of joy and love that came first, and that will come again. 

I experienced the pain of a lost friendship recently and I told another friend that maybe I needed to get my walls back in place, because the pain of this loss was almost unbearable. She simply looked at me and said, "No, your real friends won't let you put those walls back up. God won't let you put those walls back up. " And I realized that, while walls are comfortable, they keep you from living your life to the fullest, from being able to reach out to others and help them tear down their walls. Because walls were never meant to be a form of protection, they truly are prison cells. I would rather risk being hurt and be free, than to go back to that lonely solitary life. 

And on a random note, I was talking to some of my friends the other day, and I told them I had figured out the saddest story in the Bible. They looked at me and asked which one it was. I told them, that the saddest story in the Bible was the one where Jesus cast the demons out of the man at the tombs in Matthew 8. They asked how that was a sad story.  (yep, I bet you can see where this is going...) I said well, Jesus cast the demons in to a herd of swine that ran over the cliff in to the water.... and what a waste of all that bacon..... :)