The Pantry Shelf: Lessons Learned

Awhile back I blogged about the pantry shelf of my life. That the hard times in life I tucked away in jars, tightly put lids on them and then stuck them on the pantry shelves of my memory, not wanting to ever have to deal with them. Things festered up, lids popped off and toxins began to poison even the good parts of my life. To put it frankly, I was a mess. My health started going down hill, I have been suffering from a headache for over five months, with no end in sight. In the desperation of trying to "fix" my headaches, I started counseling and dealing with the problems of my past. 

It has been some of the most trying and painful times of my life. I have cried a lot of tears. I had been in the depths of despair. I have felt like the darkness would never lift. A valley is a low spot, between mountains. I have been in the valley. But the last little while I have been in a pit. A deep dark pit, with slick sides that seemed impossible to get out. I started Christian counseling, and we use God's word to deal with issues, but there were still some things that I was too ashamed to discuss. I had finally gotten to the point that I knew I had to talk about it, or the darkness was going to engulf me. But, we got a snow storm, and my appointment was canceled. But the woman I talk to texted me and said that if I needed to talk we could do so by phone, or by text. We spent the entire afternoon texting back and forth, and I was able to pour my heart out to her, discussing things that I have never told anyone else. There was no judgement, no disappointment from her. Just unconditional love and support, and she offered scripture to show that if I had asked for forgiveness, then I was forgiven. And as part of my salvation, those things were gone, that person was not me, and I had to forgive myself. Its taken a LOT of years, but I have finally succeeded in doing it. Will I ever get to the point that I can talk about it, probably not. It truly is between me and God. I know I am past it, because Satan tried to pull his game of bringing it up to rub my nose in the shame, but for the first time, the pain was gone. There was just a twinge, instead of the gut wrenching agony. I have been set free! 

The last few days I have had another struggle. I look at the things I struggle with, and decide if they are from God or from Satan. All of these struggles hurt, but growth is hard and painful. But if the pain is from shame and regret, then its Satan, but if its the pain that comes from healing, or growth, then its God. We had things very hard growing up, and I knew true hunger as a kid. There were many times that we had what is now known as food insecurity. Our kitchen was like Old Mother Hubbard's cabinets. It wasn't a matter of me being a picky eater, because I ate a lot of things I didn't like out of necessity. My pickiness was a result of those things. As I grew up, those hard times changed me, and defined me. I became a food hoarder. I panic if we run out of corn, no matter how many other vegetables we have. I buy stuff on sale, even if I don't need it, because I might. I stress over groceries, even though I know that we are fine. But its my security. My children have never known true hunger as I did. I hope they never do. But that jar on the pantry shelf of my mind has started to fester. I see hunger in others. There are some children that have come in to my life that know hunger. They know neglect. They know that they need someone to show them love. And they break my heart. Because I can see myself in them. I know this is a God thing, because its for my healing. 

But as my counselor and I talked about it today she said something that I never thought about. She said that the things we go through, God allows so we know how it feels and can then use those things to help others. If someone has never known hunger, how are they going to see it in others and be moved to help? If someone has never known pain, how are they going to recognize when others are hurting, and be there for them? If someone has never been in the valley, how will they know to offer a hand up to someone that is struggling out of their own valley? God has given me an empathy like I have never had before. I see pain in others, I see loneliness and emptiness. I see hunger. It is not something I like seeing. Life was simpler when I was hard hearted and not caring. But its not the path God had for me. I cry more than I ever have. But now I weep for others more than for myself. 

I have wondered for so long why all the things I have gone through had to happen to me. Why I have been down this painful path. Why I have had to be so different. Because God needed me on this path, to learn these lessons to use them to help someone else. There has been a scripture that has been so heavily on my heart the past few days. A friend and I discussed it also. 
Matthew 25:34-40

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Verse 40 is the kicker for me. Whatever you did for the LEAST of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me. God put me on the path I was on, to learn these lessons and then be able to use my experiences to help others. I am sure that as I go through the others jars on my pantry shelf, God will uncover other situations, that my experiences will be for good, and for His glory. Life can be very painful. We are all here for a reason, our lives have meaning, and we should use our experiences, both good and bad, to help those around us. So when we are in the mire, and covered in mud, and hurting, we need to look for the message. God is possibly using it for something later on. And the knowledge we gain from it, needs to be used. Like putting our candle on a light stand, not under a basket, otherwise God wasted the lesson. 

These kids I shared about have broken my heart. But its the best thing ever, because the scab has been ripped off of a very deep, old sore, and it can now heal. I am sure it will leave a scar, but the lessons learned won't be for nothing, because God has opened my eyes to pain in others, and I can help. I may not be able to change the lives of these kids, but I can do all I can to give them hope. I can show them love, feed them when I can, and pray specifically for them, that God will show them His never ending love. 

But its not just for me. Everyone has gone through something. Everyone has surely had a measure of pain, that they can use the memory of to lift someone else up. I am going through the end of a marriage, and trying to learn to live life on my own. Some people have never experienced this, and have no idea the struggle. But others have, and have reached out to me with advice, and encouragement. They have NO IDEA how much that has meant to me. At times has been the difference between falling down, and pushing forward. We all can be a gift to each other, if we spend our time building each other up, especially the younger kids, who may have no one in which to turn. If we do this for the least, we do it for God. Its the difference between being a sheep or a goat. A wheat or a tare. And the difference between hearing God say, "Depart from me, for I never knew you,"  or hearing Him say "well done, My good and faithful servant." I don't know about you, but that last line sounds so much better than the first. 

God loves us, so Live Loved. If you have been saved, you are forgiven. Live Redeemed. God has given us so much more than we deserve, so Live a life of Service. Take the lessons of life and use them for His glory. And then you will truly LIVE. 

Bacon

Life is a lot like bacon. Now everyone that knows me, knows how much I love bacon. And I'm sure some are rolling their eyes at that statement but it is true. Life is a LOT like bacon. There are two kinds of bacon, no wait, make that three kinds. There is awesome bacon, decent bacon and crappy bacon. Think about that a minute. There are people shaking their heads and saying "No, all bacon is awesome bacon" but not really. 

There is Black Label bacon, which to me is the best of the best. Followed by Oscar Mayer center cut. These are the best quality, meatiest, most flavorful types of bacon there is. But.... they are also the most costly. I'm talking over $8 a pound bacon which means Beckie only gets it when its on sale, and I mean a really good sale. 

Then you have your Farmland bacon, which is my favorite, mostly because my son works in the Farmland foods warehouse. Farmland bacon is good, comes in several varieties, some are thick cut, some are thin cut, there is double smoked, lower sodium, and even lower fat (which means they just cut the fattier edges off). But there is a lot of variety to choose from, its a little more expensive but they put it on sale A LOT, at buy one get one free..... my favorite sale! 

Then you have your cheap bacon. Best choice, Best Buy, Ole Carolina, etc. And I am sure those are passable for bacon. But your fat to meat ratio is going to be a bigger concern. And some of the smoking preferences are not the greatest. 

So how is this like life? Well. Life is what we make it to be. We can choose a life like Black Label, that is super expensive, where we spend all of our time chasing a dollar, trying to live like the Jones'. We can be unsatisfied, because we can't afford those expensive vacations, cars, clothes and houses that others have. We can brag that we are having Black Label bacon for breakfast, not letting others know we are then eating ramen noodles for supper because we have shopped above our means.

 Or we can eat cheap bacon. Its decent and cheap, and I guess its filling, but is it really satisfying? Do we live our lives just day to day, not looking for the beauty in life? Do we spend the time with our kids and family that we should? Do we take the time to smell the flowers, take walks, share baked goods with the neighbors? Life is not satisfying if we aren't living it to the fullest. I'm not talking financially, as it's a matter of some have more than others, but we can take what we have and live a full life with it. 

I prefer a life of average bacon. Farmland. There is a lot of variety, its on sale a lot and its delicious! I have an average life. I work. I spend time with my family, though not enough. I spend time with my church family, and my friends. I spend time outside in the garden. I bake and share with friends and family. I try to help people when I can. I am kind of a bacon hoarder at times. (Well, most of the time) and in life I am somewhat of an introvert. I am very generous, but I tend to hold back a lot. I hide a lot of what I am feeling and going through. Even from the people who think they know all about me. 

Up until couple of years ago I rarely bought or ate bacon. True story! When I cooked it, I ate maybe a piece or two. I told myself I really didn't like it, because I had someone telling me all the time how bad it was. That is how I lived life as well. I told myself I didn't need to do this or that, didn't need friends, or to go places and do things. I lived a very shallow, sad and lonely life. I think the first weekend after my life changed I went and bought a package of bacon, the good stuff, and cooked and ate the entire package by myself. This was my way of saying, life is going to be good now. I can do things the way I want to and be okay. Its how I try to live life now. Yes, I realize that bacon is not overly healthy in excess. But I don't eat it nearly as often as I talk about it. I wish I did. 

So my point is this. Life is short. Too short to worry about everything. Too short to not LIVE. But, it must be enjoyed, without unnecessary stress, so live a life you can afford. Life isn't about STUFF, its about memories! Some people think they need an expensive vacation every year. It gets to be a habit and they really don't enjoy it because they are already trying to figure out where to go the next year to top that one. I took my first true vacation trip last year to Chicago. I may or may not take another one. But I made enough memories on that one trip to last a lifetime! But also, life can be enjoyed at every level. Some of my best memories with my kids are fishing trips a few miles down the road. No cost. But lots of love, laughter and memories. Just because you don't have as much as others, doesn't mean you have to let life pass you by. 

And lastly, watch closely the life you are living. Its like buying bad bacon. Look in that little window in the back, to see if what you are getting is all fat, or lots of meat. Don't just think that because its expensive or on sale that its all the same, or that its the best there is. It's not. Look at the people you are letting in your life, the ones who want to tear you down. Look at the situations you are going through, are there ways to avoid them. Those flaps on the back of the bacon package are there for a reason, so that you can examine the product and make the best decision before you buy it. Jumping through life without examining the path you are on, is dangerous, or disappointing. Because even though it might seem exciting now, there may be downfalls later. 

And it is very important to SHARE your bacon, because holding it all for yourself is not healthy, just like sharing your life with others is important, because life without friends is empty and lonely. And on that note, I think I need to go fix some bacon! All this typing has made me hungry!

Reacting to the Storm

I think a common misconception that we have, is that as Christians we shouldn't have storms and struggles. We think that once we accept Christ, our lives should be easy. Oh, how I wish that were so. But since we are now living as strangers in a land that is no longer our home, it becomes much harder. We know that Satan has a large control over the earth, as said in 2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

So it goes to show that as Christians we are now the enemy of Satan, so he is going to do everything he can to derail us, discourage us and to tempt us back to a sinful life. We, as Christians, will struggle with these things for as long as we are following Christ. These are storms that we go through. There are also times that we are put through hard times by God, to test our faith, to teach us lessons, to help us grow. These are also storms. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the storms of life that we go through. And I think how we react to them says a lot about our faith. I have been thinking and reading a lot about two strong men of the Bible. One old testament, and one new testament. Job was a righteous man. He was favored of God, so much that God bragged about him to Satan. Satan then told God that the only reason Job followed God was because God had protected him. So God gave Job over for Satan to test, to see if he would turn his back on God if things got hard. My favorite quote of Job's is this:
 The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

It didn't matter how much Satan put Job through, even the loss of his children, and all his possessions, he never turned his back on God. I will admit that I am no Job. I have been through some storms lately. Some have been kind of like a summer storm, and some have been tornadoes. I have had a headache for five months. It is usually just bothersome, but at times it goes in to a full blown migraine that knocks me to the ground. I have tried to figure out what brought it on. Medically, its sinuses for the most part. But spiritually, it has brought me down. I have missed more church in this past 5 months than ever before, because of the pain. The noise of too many people, or music causes pain at times. I have had to leave the sanctuary during the praise songs. I have quit singing in the choir. After Bible study I don't stand around and talk, because it gets loud, I go to the copy room and work on the bulletin, and miss out on the fellowship. I have battled depression, I have over medicated. I have at times struggled with suicidal thoughts. I have begged God to take the pain from me. I have prayed more. I have searched through my life for sin that I have not confessed. I have removed harmful people from my life, I have stepped back from toxic relationships. I have sought counsel from more mature Christians who can point me to the scriptures I need. I have forgiven people that never asked for it. I let go of dreams that cause me pain, that can never have a good outcome. I have started praising God in the midst of the storm. 

People ask me all the time how my headaches are, because I don't mention them as often. They are there. But after all this time they have become a part of me. I am not sure I would know what it felt like to not have a headache. I know that one day I will wake up and it will be gone, but in the mean time, I have a life to live and as long as it's not a migraine, I will go on as normal. I choose to praise God. I know that the headache has been for good. I would never have started this blog without the headache. I would never had sought counseling  and dealt with past hurts. I would not be writing. Over a year ago, God put it in my mind that I needed to write, to use the talent He gave me to bring glory to Him. I had no self confidence so I ignored it. Now I am listening. And because I have been obedient, God has blessed me considerably. I will continue to praise Him, even in the midst of the storms. 

The second Bible character is Paul. Paul is different from Job. Paul started out as Saul, and was NOT a good person. He did much to persecute the early church, and even was present at the stoning of Stephen. But God still redeemed him, showing that no one is above redemption, or above being used by God. But when we get to thinking too much of ourselves, sometimes God has to bring us down a bit, to keep us humble. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 says he was given a thorn in the flesh. . 7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself!8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have had thorns in my flesh. There are times that God calls me to do things, and I do them, and feel really good about myself, and somewhat proud of my obedience. Then I sometimes forget that its not about me, but for God's glory. I have had people put me down, make fun of me. I get my feelings hurt, or have past mistakes brought up to discourage me, or make me question my faith. I have asked God repeatedly to take the tough situations away from me, to give me an easier path, and these verses come to mind, as His answer. His grace is sufficient for me. Lean on His grace to get me through. Maybe that is the key to the headaches. They keep me searching. They keep me humble. They keep me looking toward God. When my iron count was bottoming out, and the headaches were unbearable a friend of mine told me she didn't see how I functioned. I told her I functioned because I had to, and because God gave me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Despite the pain, the struggles, the doubts and the persecution I deal with because of my beliefs, I choose to praise God regardless. I will praise Him in the storm, the same way I praise Him on the sunshine filled days. One of my friends gave me a picture for my inspirational wall. It says "Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. " I am finally learning to dance. I may have two left feet and no rhythm, but God thinks I am as graceful as can be. He loves me, mistakes and all. He brings me storms, and allows me storms so that my faith increases, and to remind me that He is in control of my life, and really, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace. It's probably one of my favorite hymns. It's one I sing in times of stress and struggle. The other day I was driving home and the road was getting slick. I was scared, because my truck is rear wheel drive and a stick shift and I am not great with either. I had already slid once, and also my wiper was broken so I was worried about visibility. I started to pray, out loud. I struggle sometimes when I am asked to pray at church, because I am not that great at it, and there are so many who say these nice pretty sounding prayers and I seem to stutter and stammer through mine. I forget its not those around me that its for, but for God. And I forget that no matter how bad my prayer sounds,  Jesus is there to rework it so that it is perfect when God hears it. But anyway, I was praying. And then I just felt the need to sing. I know a lot of contemporary Christian songs and sing them. But at that time, I just felt the need to sing a hymn. 

I am not a good singer by any means. I took voice lessons as a kid, but was told NEVER to sing with the radio, as it messes up your pitch. Well, thirty some years later, and lots of radio singing, and my voice isn't that great. I sing at church, I sing in the choir, but would never sing a solo. But on the way home that day, I sang a solo for God. Amazing grace. Over and over again. LOUDLY. And I really started listening to the words I was singing. I have sang it hundreds of times, but I guess I never really, REALLY listened to the words. Or maybe I never applied the thoughts of the words to my life. 

1. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
   That saved a wretch like me!
   I once was lost, but now am found;
   Was blind, but now I see.

I never knew what grace was before I was saved. I sure didn't extend it to anyone, as I was a major grudge holder. I didn't know what forgiveness was, so how did I know I needed it? I thought I was saved as a kid, so I was "okay", but in all actuality, I was lost as could be, and living a terrible life. I was a true wretch, who deserved nothing, but God still chose me. He found me in the pile of muck I was living, and cleaned me off, and saved me.

1. ’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
   And grace my fears relieved;
   How precious did that grace appear
   The hour I first believed.
2. I had been in and out of churches most of my life, never staying in one more than a year or two before quitting.I had never felt conviction like I felt when I started at Solid Rock. I guess maybe I had small pangs of it, but then it became Hard and Loud. I would sit through church services and then go to my car and cry before I went home. But at the moment that I accepted Christ, the feeling of love and acceptance that flowed through me was like nothing I had ever felt before. 
3. 
   
4. Through many dangers, toils and snares,
   I have already come;
   ’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
   And grace will lead me home..
5. 
   

 Once He made me His, I could see back through my life, all the things He had done, the ways He had worked. He had kept me safe several times. There are stories I could tell that I know were divine interventions. Times when I got out of scary and dangerous situations in ways that were almost miraculous. When I was in Chicago, I could feel His presence and knew He was keeping me safe. As long as I keep my eyes on Him, I don't sink. 

1. The Lord has promised good to me,
   His Word my hope secures;
   He will my Shield and Portion be,
   As long as life endures.

God takes care of me. He always has, but I see it more since He saved me. I have always struggled with my bills, but it seems like things always work out that I can afford whatever comes along. When I was planning my first vacation last fall, I suddenly was given a lot of extra hours at work, and other opportunities that helped me earn the money needed. He has put opportunities in my path now that are taking me places I had only dreamed of. Doing things I always wanted but never dared to try. Like writing. God had put it in my heart awhile back to write, to use my words to bring glory to Him. And because I do, He has brought me more opportunities to write. My hope is in Him, and He never lets me down.

1. Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
   And mortal life shall cease,
   I shall possess, within the veil,
   A life of joy and peace.
2. 
   

I used to be so afraid of death. But now I am not. I think the verse that talks about being absent from the body but present with the Lord now has new meaning to me. I will close my eyes here, and wake up in Heaven. I fear for my kids and family if I die, but I do not fear death itself. And I know that nothing on earth can take God away from me, and that everything here is just temporary.

1. The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
   The sun forbear to shine;
   But God, who called me here below,
   Will be forever mine.
2. Everyone keeps saying the time is short, that we don't have a lot of time left before the end. I have read enough of the book of Revelation to know that those days are going to be ugly. But I also know that the God who saved me, will take me home. Nothing will stop Him from loving me, from wanting me to be His. I never knew unconditional love until God showed it to me. 

1. When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
   Bright shining as the sun,
   We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
   Than when we’d first begun.
2. My favorite verse of all. Time seems forever here, but sometimes fleeting at the same time. I have been on this earth for 46 years. That sounds like a long time. I have been a Christian 3.5 years. But when I get to heaven, and see Jesus face to face, and stand in the presence of God, and there is no end, that is going to be the best feeling ever. I cry every time I sing that verse. Because that is the verse that drives it all home. If you are His, then you will be there forever! I keep thinking that when I get there, I want to do this, and this, and this. I want to ask Jesus questions. I want to hang out with Jonah, since he is the Bible character I am most like. There are so many people from the Bible that I want to talk to, to ask more about their stories than the Bible tells. (must be the writer in me). But I know that when I get there, nothing will be more important than worshiping at the feet of God. And I will never run out of time to do it. 

I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness. I am thankful that He loved me enough to save me. I am thankful for the writing ability that He gave me, to use to bring glory to Him, and to bring enjoyment to myself and to others. I have spent more than enough time beating myself up for the mistakes of the past. God has forgiven me and given me His grace to cover those mistakes. I am learning to extend that same grace and forgiveness to myself. God is good. And I am so thankful for His Amazing Grace.