It has been some of the most trying and painful times of my life. I have cried a lot of tears. I had been in the depths of despair. I have felt like the darkness would never lift. A valley is a low spot, between mountains. I have been in the valley. But the last little while I have been in a pit. A deep dark pit, with slick sides that seemed impossible to get out. I started Christian counseling, and we use God's word to deal with issues, but there were still some things that I was too ashamed to discuss. I had finally gotten to the point that I knew I had to talk about it, or the darkness was going to engulf me. But, we got a snow storm, and my appointment was canceled. But the woman I talk to texted me and said that if I needed to talk we could do so by phone, or by text. We spent the entire afternoon texting back and forth, and I was able to pour my heart out to her, discussing things that I have never told anyone else. There was no judgement, no disappointment from her. Just unconditional love and support, and she offered scripture to show that if I had asked for forgiveness, then I was forgiven. And as part of my salvation, those things were gone, that person was not me, and I had to forgive myself. Its taken a LOT of years, but I have finally succeeded in doing it. Will I ever get to the point that I can talk about it, probably not. It truly is between me and God. I know I am past it, because Satan tried to pull his game of bringing it up to rub my nose in the shame, but for the first time, the pain was gone. There was just a twinge, instead of the gut wrenching agony. I have been set free!
The last few days I have had another struggle. I look at the things I struggle with, and decide if they are from God or from Satan. All of these struggles hurt, but growth is hard and painful. But if the pain is from shame and regret, then its Satan, but if its the pain that comes from healing, or growth, then its God. We had things very hard growing up, and I knew true hunger as a kid. There were many times that we had what is now known as food insecurity. Our kitchen was like Old Mother Hubbard's cabinets. It wasn't a matter of me being a picky eater, because I ate a lot of things I didn't like out of necessity. My pickiness was a result of those things. As I grew up, those hard times changed me, and defined me. I became a food hoarder. I panic if we run out of corn, no matter how many other vegetables we have. I buy stuff on sale, even if I don't need it, because I might. I stress over groceries, even though I know that we are fine. But its my security. My children have never known true hunger as I did. I hope they never do. But that jar on the pantry shelf of my mind has started to fester. I see hunger in others. There are some children that have come in to my life that know hunger. They know neglect. They know that they need someone to show them love. And they break my heart. Because I can see myself in them. I know this is a God thing, because its for my healing.
But as my counselor and I talked about it today she said something that I never thought about. She said that the things we go through, God allows so we know how it feels and can then use those things to help others. If someone has never known hunger, how are they going to see it in others and be moved to help? If someone has never known pain, how are they going to recognize when others are hurting, and be there for them? If someone has never been in the valley, how will they know to offer a hand up to someone that is struggling out of their own valley? God has given me an empathy like I have never had before. I see pain in others, I see loneliness and emptiness. I see hunger. It is not something I like seeing. Life was simpler when I was hard hearted and not caring. But its not the path God had for me. I cry more than I ever have. But now I weep for others more than for myself.
I have wondered for so long why all the things I have gone through had to happen to me. Why I have been down this painful path. Why I have had to be so different. Because God needed me on this path, to learn these lessons to use them to help someone else. There has been a scripture that has been so heavily on my heart the past few days. A friend and I discussed it also.
Matthew 25:34-40
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Verse 40 is the kicker for me. Whatever you did for the LEAST of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me. God put me on the path I was on, to learn these lessons and then be able to use my experiences to help others. I am sure that as I go through the others jars on my pantry shelf, God will uncover other situations, that my experiences will be for good, and for His glory. Life can be very painful. We are all here for a reason, our lives have meaning, and we should use our experiences, both good and bad, to help those around us. So when we are in the mire, and covered in mud, and hurting, we need to look for the message. God is possibly using it for something later on. And the knowledge we gain from it, needs to be used. Like putting our candle on a light stand, not under a basket, otherwise God wasted the lesson.
These kids I shared about have broken my heart. But its the best thing ever, because the scab has been ripped off of a very deep, old sore, and it can now heal. I am sure it will leave a scar, but the lessons learned won't be for nothing, because God has opened my eyes to pain in others, and I can help. I may not be able to change the lives of these kids, but I can do all I can to give them hope. I can show them love, feed them when I can, and pray specifically for them, that God will show them His never ending love.
But its not just for me. Everyone has gone through something. Everyone has surely had a measure of pain, that they can use the memory of to lift someone else up. I am going through the end of a marriage, and trying to learn to live life on my own. Some people have never experienced this, and have no idea the struggle. But others have, and have reached out to me with advice, and encouragement. They have NO IDEA how much that has meant to me. At times has been the difference between falling down, and pushing forward. We all can be a gift to each other, if we spend our time building each other up, especially the younger kids, who may have no one in which to turn. If we do this for the least, we do it for God. Its the difference between being a sheep or a goat. A wheat or a tare. And the difference between hearing God say, "Depart from me, for I never knew you," or hearing Him say "well done, My good and faithful servant." I don't know about you, but that last line sounds so much better than the first.
God loves us, so Live Loved. If you have been saved, you are forgiven. Live Redeemed. God has given us so much more than we deserve, so Live a life of Service. Take the lessons of life and use them for His glory. And then you will truly LIVE.
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