All I want for Christmas is Unconditional Love

Christmas is about family. Its a time when families gather together and celebrate. We celebrate the birth of our Savior, or at least that is what we are supposed to be celebrating. It seems that now adays more people celebrate presents, and food, and parties, rather than remember the true "reason for the season."

I have been pretty ill this last few months. Everything is such a struggle and I spend a lot of time going to the doctors, getting tests, taking medication. I find myself isolating a lot, wanting to spend time alone, sleep, or just let time pass me by. I didn't have the energy to shop, to bake, to play Christmas songs and dance around and sing. There is no tree up at my house, no decorations, The rolls of wrapping paper are sitting in the corner and the presents are stuck in a box with each kids name on it, and duct taped shut. For my grandkids I shopped online and had it sent straight to them.  No stockings are hung. I had decided that Christmas just wasn't going to happen this year. But I forgot that these are not the things that make Christmas. Christmas is about Jesus. Its about going to church and watching the youth put on a Christmas program. Its about going with your church family and handing out food and fruit baskets and singing Christmas carols. These things I was able to do.  Its about going to church on Christmas eve to sing praises to God for sending His Son for us. Its about spending time with family, and friends, and showing them you love them, and accepting their love for you.

I have one of those messed up kind of lives where my family is very mixed and matched. Being adopted, you have a lot of issues. I have a family that shares DNA with me. I have no relationship with my birth mother, but I know my sister and an uncle and I love them both dearly. These are my blood relations. I have my adopted family, my mother, 2 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, and lots of nieces and nephews. I love them as well. I also have my church family, the family that God gave to me, where He placed me to be saved and to serve. He has given me a group of people who love me even when I am unlovable. Who miss me when I am not there, and who are happy to see me. Who tease me, and worry about me, and chew me out (with love) when I mess up. He has given me awesome friends who refuse to let me isolate. Who drag me out and keep me as active as I can manage, but who don't act disappointed in me when I wear down.

I have had a few people make comments about how they cannot wait til I get back to being "the old Beckie", because this Beckie "isn't fun". That the doctors need to "Fix" me so I can "get back to normal.". This kinda hurts my feelings because while I feel bad, I don't feel like I am broken to need to be "fixed". And when someone goes through an illness, many times they come out on the other side changed, and never go back to the way they were before the illness. I look at a lot of things differently, my priorities are different, my wants and needs are different. God has  slowed me down, so I have no desire to go 90 to nothing all the time. He has shown me that I have to take care of myself, instead of putting myself dead last in order to meet everyone else's wants and needs. I want to be loved for who I am, whether I am sick Beckie or well Beckie or fun Beckie or depressed Beckie. I am still Beckie. These are just sides of me, they are not what defines me. But to feel like I am not good enough for someone if I don't behave the way they think I need to, or act like I did back when I was killing myself to satisfy everyone, that makes me feel like people don't love me for ME, but for what I can do for them. And that is not love.

Christmas is the season of Love. Remember John 3:16. For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. God loves us, whether we deserve it or not, whether we are sick or healthy, whether we are happy or sad. He loves us unconditionally. We should be the same towards each other. So as everyone gathers together with their family, look past the presents, and the food and truly look at each other. Love the ones that God has put in your life. Don't be upset if they are down, or sick, love the fact that they are still alive to love on. Don't look at people as needing to be fixed. God has put them in the valley for a reason, and people grow and change in the valley, don't pressure them to be what they no longer are. Love your family. Love your friends. Love God and Jesus, and remember this season is about Them.

Merry Christmas! May your holidays be everything you hope they are, and may you find Love wrapped up inside every package.

Who I USED to be.....

The other day I was talking to a friend, and made a comment about how he used to be a jerk in high school. He looked at me somewhat sadly and said, "yes, but I have already apologized to you for that." And he had. He came to me one day and asked me how he had treated me in high school, and then apologized for any times that he might have been mean to me. You see, he is a different person than he was then. Because a while back, he was saved. And part of being saved means you turn your back on your past life, and start living a new life for God. Sometimes part of that life means going to people who you have wronged and asking forgiveness. Or forgiving people you have been angry at, whether they have asked for it or not. Its not always easy, but if God forgives us, who are we to not forgive. But forgiveness isn't really what I have on my mind at the moment. Well, it is, but again it isn't. What I am pondering so deeply, is this. How powerful is the forgiveness that comes from God. We know we are forgiven through the blood of Christ. But how powerful is that blood?

I think we as people seem to make levels of sin. You have your gossipers and your gluttons, the little white liars. Then your big fat liars, your thieves, your adulterers. And then you have your murderers, your child molesters and people like Hitler, Bin Laden, etc. But I have never seen anywhere in the bible that lists greater or lesser sins. They are all listed as sins. So, based on that, the nice little grandma that sits at the cafe and "bears false witness against her neighbor" by gossiping, is actually just as bad as the terrible serial killer with fifteen dead bodies in his back yard. In GOD's eyes. Sin is sin. So, now that I have taken the long way around the barn, what I am pondering, is this. Is the blood of Christ powerful enough to wash away the sins of the mass murderer the same as the little ol granny? In my book the answer is yes. If the murderer repents, and TRULY turns his life over to God. So why is it that we as people, decide that the blood of Christ is strong enough to cover small sins, but not enough to cover big ugly sins? Or if we agree that it is strong enough, why do we continue to drag a repentant person thru the muck and mire of their past sinful life, rather than forgive them truly and let it be in the past.

We are supposed to be Christians. To be "Christ Like". And in all the verses that I have read, when Jesus forgave someone of their sins, it was forgiven, as far as the east is from the west. I don't remember Him ever running in to the Samaritan woman later and calling her that woman who used to be an adulterer. I don't recall Him acting that way towards the woman He saved from stoning. I don't remember Him constantly rubbing the disciples noses in the fact that they bailed on Him, or that Peter denied Him. And I feel fairly confident that when I stand before God's throne, He is not going to say "well there's Beckie, she USED to be a grudge holder," He is going to say, "there is Beckie, she trusted in My Son for salvation, she is My child." So as Godly people, why aren't we treating our brothers and sisters the same way. Why do we feel the need to drag up their past, if we claim to have forgiven them? Or if they didn't wrong us, but we know that their past is not a shiny one, why do we expect people do forget our own sketchy past and not extend that same measure of grace to them?

Our past is just that, its our past. And if GOD can forgive us for it, through the blood of His Son, then are we better than He is, to continue down that road of judgement and unforgiveness? Are we going to have to realize that we might actually see repentant murderers in Heaven, while sweet little grandma's go to hell because they never got saved. Its a hard pill to swallow. But its the way it is. But my goal is to stop reminding people about how they USED to be. If you USED to be a jerk, if you USED to be a liar, if you USED to do drugs, drink, swear, or whatever, and you turned your life over to God, then that is not who you are any more. For those I have judged by old standards, I apologize. For those that perhaps have judged ME by old standards, please realize that I am not that person anymore. I struggle at times, I fail and at times I am not very Christ-like, but I am NOTHING like how I USED to be. And I am so very thankful for that.

Disappointment..... a reflection.

Sometimes I get really disappointed. I get disappointed when I want something really badly and I don't get it. I get disappointed when someone that I thought was my friend, walks away from our friendship without a backward glance. I get disappointed when I look in the grocery ad and bacon isn't on sale. There are levels of disappointment, and I have given examples of three of them. I couldn't really even name something I wanted that I didn't get, because wants, needs and desires are so fleeting, "Man, I really want that car." whoops, someone else bought it. And the feeling lasts until the next thing catches your eye. The second example is one of the most painful kind, when you face the loss of a relationship that you had felt was the forever kind. When your best friend decides they don't want to be part of your life anymore. When someone who professes to love you, changes their mind. This disappointment leaves a much deeper hole in your heart. It's painful, and sometimes hard to get past.  The third example, the thought of paying full price for bacon, while tragic, is nothing really. Just a daily disappointment.

I myself have been a disappointment. I was a disappointment to my mom when I refused to wear dresses and play with dolls, choosing instead to play with trucks and dig in the dirt. I was a disappointment when my grades did not match my ability. And I was a disappointment when I got pregnant my senior year of high school. Disappointing my parents always bothered me, because I hated seeing that look in their eye that mean that I had not lived up to their expectations. At times I still try to live up to expectations that are impossible to meet. I try to be the perfect daughter, to make up for the mistakes made in my younger years. But nothing can make up for them, for they are in the past. Yes I got pregnant too young, unmarried, but I never considered my son to be a mistake, and for almost 27 years he has been a great joy in my life. I too have been disappointed in my parents. When they didn't get me the Michael Jackson Thriller album for Christmas, when I was forced in to a dress for school pictures, when they grounded me for something I didn't do. I would be disappointed when they weren't cool like the parents of my classmates. But I realized later that those things are nothing. None of those events were life altering. Even though maybe they felt like it at the time.

I know I disappoint my kids. When I don't feel like cooking supper and they have to eat microwave burritos.... again. When I don't let them hang out with their friends. When I cannot afford something they really want. But again, those things are fleeting. In ten years they won't remember those things. I am sure I disappoint my friends, when I fall back in to bad habits that they helped me kick, when I start thinking negatively, when I struggle with the same things over and over again, instead of walking away from it. Lot's wife and I have a lot in common. I spend a lot of time looking back, instead of concentrating on what is ahead.

But really, the biggest fear I have these days is disappointing God. The times He calls me to do things and I refuse. The times I fail and falter over and over. The times I lack faith in the simple promises He has made to His children. I imagine Him sitting there in heaven, sighing deeply and shaking His head. "Oh Beckie, " He must say. "Why do you go down this road again? If you would just listen to Me, life would be so much easier." I know He loves me unconditionally, and would never leave me, but I know that I make Him sigh A LOT! And it grieves me to know that I have done things to make Him sad. I want Him to view me like He did Job. "Sooooo, have you seen My servant Beckie, she is amazing, I am so PROUD of her." I know there are times I made Him proud. When I turned from my ways and accepted His Son as my Savior. When I did the things I was called to do without running from it. When I use my writing talent to bring glory to His name. But even among those times, I know He is still sighing. Because I struggle so much. I listen to Satan's lies and let them get me down. I look away, and go down a wrong path again, until it gets to where I can no longer hear His voice. When once again I have to cry out for Him to bring me back to the fold. And He is always right there, waiting on me to come back.

Life is short, and its full of disappointments. No one is perfect and there is no way we can ever hope to reach the expectations that people put on us. So if there is anyone that I have disappointed, I apologize. For the ones who have disappointed me, I forgive you. And I strive each day to NOT disappoint God, the only One who matters. Because I want, more than anything. for Him not to look down at me and sigh, but to smile and say, "yeah Beckie, atta girl!"

Greetings from the Valley

Have you ever been tired? I mean so tired that you just can't move? Last winter I went through a bout of insomnia where I was sleeping 2 hours a night, if that much, and I got so tired, that I fell asleep at church, in a crowded noisy room, standing up, leaning against a wall. Just for a moment, before someone touched me to see if I was okay. But I was that tired. Now I am in a phase where I want to sleep all the time. I go to work, come home and go to bed and sleep. Some nights I sleep ten hours or more. And wake up exhausted. I know that while my body may be asleep, my mind is on overdrive. I toss and turn and wake up with my blankets on the floor, my pillows may be down by my feet. Its like I am battling something all night long. And I wake up feeling like I haven't been to sleep at all.

I am so tired. I am tired of living in a world so full of sin that it seems normal. I am tired of people who act like they are my friend but talk behind my back. I am tired of people who think that I am incapable of managing without their constant "advice". I am tired of being made to feel small, of being made fun of because of my faith, of being hurt, and abused, and neglected. I am tired of working as hard as God has called me to work, and seeing the pew sitters complain about things that haven't been done. I am just tired. And because I am tired, I am complaining.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and telling him what all had been going on, since it had been awhile since we had seen each other. I told him that I was deep in a valley, and that I knew that I had to spend time in the valley to grow, but that I was so weary of it all. He said that we all think that because we are Christians that we are supposed to be on the mountain all the time. He said that these "feel good preachers" (insert names here) give us this false reasoning that following God means that life is going to be a piece of cake, but that if we are truly followers of Christ then we are going to have it hard. Christ suffered, He was mistreated His entire ministry, so how can we as followers of Him, expect to be treated any differently. He was tempted by Satan for 40 days, so how can we expect Satan to leave us alone if we are doing God's work? The best advice he gave me was to keep my head up. Look up towards God, keep my head held high, because I am living my life in a fallen world and trying to do what's right, and even though the valley seems endless, not to do anything crazy. Let the haters be haters. Let the pew sitters sit, because their rewards,(and the lack there of) will follow them. It really made me think and it made me feel good. I should feel blessed to be attacked by Satan because it means he is not liking what I am doing. If the haters are hating, it means that I am making them think, and they have to knock me down to try to get me to stop.

Another friend told me recently that I need to remember that I am a child of God and that I need to remember to praise Him in the storms. Sometimes that is so hard. Especially when I am in a storm and see so many people sunning on the beach of their life. Sometimes God calls me to do things, and I hesitate, and wonder what the repercussions are going to be. I shouldn't be that way, because Jesus never hesitated to wonder if He was going to be stoned, He dove right in and did what He was sent to do.

I am looking at these headaches I am going through as one of two things. Either God has brought them upon me, because it has greatly slowed me down, I pray more, think more. I have soul searched, and made changes in my life that were needed. I have started writing again. I do what He calls me to do the first time He calls, rather than pulling a Jonah and running from Him. I love more, and I show that love more. I take nothing for granted.  The other thought is that Satan is behind them, trying to keep me down, so that I don't feel like going to church, reading my Bible or praising God. I will admit, sometimes it gets hard. I have had to walk out of the sanctuary at church when the singing has gotten too loud. I have walked away from fellowship because the noise level was too high. I have skipped devotion times because my head was hurting and I could not concentrate.But I have never let my love for God diminish.

I know this is different than a lot of my blogs here lately have been, but these are the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head this morning. Over and over, so I decided they needed to be shared because someone obviously needs to hear them.

I have decided to find the joy in this valley, to look for the positive even if it feel like it does not exist..... and I have decided to fix bacon for breakfast and I might just eat the whole package. Because bacon is the Prozac of the food world, and its been a really rough week......