Wednesday, November 4, 2015

the Devil in Church

If I was the devil and I wanted to tear up the Church, I would start with the local congregation. I would sneak some tares in with the wheat. I would get some unsaved people that think they are Christians and get them to join the local churches. Perhaps they went forward as children and think they are saved but never made a true profession of faith. I would get them to bring worldly ideas in, and push for the church to be more accepting of sinful lifestyles and political correctness. 

I would start whispering in the ears of the older generation that they have done more than their share of working within the church and need to just sit back and let the younger generation take care of nurseries, teaching, visiting the lost, going to the nursing homes and other ways of working for God. I would overwhelm the younger generation who is struggling with small children, full-time jobs and a home, until they are too busy and too tired to bring their kids to church, because on top of that, they have to teach and work in the nursery too, rather than just have that time to rest and recharge. 

I would start whispering in the ears of the faithful workers that no one appreciates their hard work and that they aren't making a difference anymore, so why should they waste their time, energy and money supporting the causes of God's work. I would cause discontent so that they decide they have done enough because they aren't appreciated. I would make it seem easier to throw $20 in a plate than spend two hours of time working in the community. 

I would start encouraging the gossips to spread lies and half-truths about the ones in the church that are struggling with sin, with broken lives and yet are still coming to church so that God can help them. I would get the gossip to the point that these people give up and quit coming to church, to sink back into their lives of sin so that they can live peaceably outside of the eyes of the church pew gossips, even if it dooms their souls for eternity. 

I would attack any and all youth programs. My biggest desire would be to get the youth out of the church, preferably before they got saved, but even still, if I could get them out of church before they take leadership roles its just as good. An out of church Christian is nearly as good as an unsaved person, in the eyes of the devil. 

If I was the devil, I would encourage pride. I would focus on the money and the clothes and the cars of the people going to the local church. I would make people believe that God cares about those things and that if they "pray" the right way then they will have money falling from the sky to fill their every want. I will whisper in their ears that it's okay to go to the casino and buy lottery tickets. I will whisper that it's fine to live above their means, using credit cards, and rack up large debts, just to appear to be what they are not. I will make them forget that Jesus was humble and poor. The widow's mite would mean nothing, and again we would have the Pharisee in the streets bragging about the size of their donation. 

I would discourage prayer, and Bible reading, but would encourage the social aspects of church memberships; the trips, the activities, but let things like going to nursing homes to sing and visiting the elderly drop out. I would discourage those who want to do things to bring people to Christ, but would encourage spending money to do things for entertainment purposes only. 

If I was the devil I would attack the youth. I would turn the church into a fashion show, where they are more concerned with how they look to each other than how they look to God. I would encourage them to bring their phones into service and surf social media instead of listening. I would make it look like nothing is more important than romance and it's not necessary to remain holy and pure. 

I would start competitions and arguments between local churches so that they no longer are supportive of what the other does. I will discourage people from attending the revivals and events that the other churches are hosting. I will make them forget that if they escape me and are going to the same heaven, they will be together anyway. Because that is the last thing I want them to think of. I want them to think that going to a ballgame is more fun than going to church. I want them to think that going to the bar on Saturday night is more fun than going to church. I want them fighting among themselves and gossiping and tearing each other down. I want people to get mad at the people in the church so they quit attending, quit praying, quit worshiping, and then I can slowly turn them back to following me. 

If I were the devil I would make sure that the best show on tv are shown during church time, or directly afterwards so that the people who do go to church will leave as soon as possible rather than stay and fellowship with Christian brothers and sisters. And I will make shows that intrigue people, even if they go against everything that God teaches us. 

If I were the devil, I would hate the word revival. So when a church has one, I would do everything I could to keep people from going, from inviting others to go. I would bring sin in to the churches on the hem of everyone's clothes, and keep them so busy with political correctness, with fashion, with money, with arguing, with gossiping and with socialization that they forget that they are at church to pray, to worship and to grow in their relationship with the One they came there to be with. And the best thing is, I am doing it every day, and the people don't even see it. My job is getting easier and easier. I am in more churches than ever imagined. I have closed churches, burned churches, and ripped churches apart. I have torn apart families and led people to suicide rather than salvation. I have helped create a generation that hates God, hates church and hates Christians. I am winning. The Bible says that in the end I will lose, but oh, how many people I am going to have with me in hell. And in the end, that is what matters most to me.......

Monday, August 3, 2015

What is your talent?

The other day our pastor preached on the parable of the talents. Where the master is going out of town and calls three of his servants and gives them each a different number of talents. The first takes what he was given and doubles it. Likewise the second, while he was given fewer talents, also doubles his. The third one though, takes the one talent he was given and buries it, rather than working with it to make any increase. I think this is how we can be at times. 

God gives each and every one of us talents. Some he has given multiple abilities to. They can be super smart, great athletes and can sing beautifully. Some may not be able to do these things, but they have a wonderful way with children, or the ability to make money. But we are each given something we can do, to bring glory to God, to bring people to God and to otherwise help increase and further the kingdom of God. But what do we do with these talents? I know for many years I did absolutely nothing. I have always loved to write, and I was fairly good at it, but did nothing with it. Part of it was because of the life I had, and the fact that any and all creativity was not encouraged. But part of it, was pure laziness on my side. 

Lately though, God has impressed it on me more and more to use my writing talent to bring Glory to His name. And this is exactly what I am striving to do. At first I thought that writing a blog would be a good way. I could write about what God was doing in my life, but the God started expanding it, and opened a door to freelance writing in magazines. While not every article I write can be about God, I am able to incorporate it in as I can, and can choose many stories where the subjects talk about God in their own lives and can bring His name out in that way. But then He progresses, and I am now writing a Christmas play. And still more He works. I write, whatever He puts in my mind, not always knowing what He has planned for me to do, but knowing that He has a plan in mind, and that I will surely succeed at what I do, if I am doing it in His will. 

What is the talent He has given you? You cannot say there is nothing, because if you are a child of God, He has given you something, and even if you are NOT yet His child, He still has given you an ability that He will develop more at the time comes for you to use it for His glory. Can you bake amazing desserts that you can use to bless someone who is going through a hard time? Can you draw, paint or craft something to bring a smile to someone in need? Can you play sports, openly praying before and after competitions as a way to glorify the One who gave you the ability? Can you teach, or support the work of others' callings? Can you hold the hand of someone who is sick, or dying, and pray with them? What are you doing with these talents you have been entrusted? Are you using them, growing them, sharing them with those around you? Or are you being like the servant who buries them in the sand, not willing to do anything to help the master increase his holdings. If we do not use the abilities God has given us, He can take those abilities from us. If we use them for our own gain and not for His, He can remove them from us then as well. Trust in God to show you the talent He has given you, pray that you have the strength to battle Satan and stand tall for God. Because if you read the story, those who used the talents to increase, heard the words "well done my good and faithful servant." Those are the words I long to hear from my Master, when my time on earth is done. 

So when God calls me to write, I write. I may not understand what, or why but its not important. I am developing the talent He has given me, and as I do, I know I am doing my best to increase His holdings and try to bring people closer to Him through my words. What are YOU doing with YOUR talent?

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Life is A LOT like bacon......

I took a break from blogging because my mind got bogged down with a lot of other things. I got busy doing other writing, and really, truthfully, I just didn't think that my blogging mattered. But I realized that I blog, not just for others to read, but for an outlet for myself to work through the things in my mind. 
I have had a lot of heartache lately. Family members making decisions that have caused me so much pain that I feel at times like my heart is literally breaking. I know people tell me to mind my own business, that I cannot control the decisions of others, or I cannot fight someone Else's battle. But it does not make it hurt any less. I think we are supposed to hurt for the pains of others. Even in the Bible, it talks about how when Jesus rode in to the city, He wept. He wept because of the lives being lived. I weep for the same thing. I see family members that have totally rejected God in every way, and who refuse to see that their lifestyles are leading them straight to hell, and they have no intention of changing. They keep hollering that they want to be happy. That God is okay with their lifestyles of sin because He wants them to be happy. Tell me one verse in the Bible that says that God wants us to be happy. I have yet to find it, He wants us to be OBEDIENT. When we turn out lives over to Him, and yield to His ways, we will find happiness in serving Him, but we are not to be part of this world. Our happiness awaits us in Heaven.

I have had family members tell me that I do not care about family, that it means nothing to me, because I have searched for and found members of my birth family. That does not make me love the family that raised me less.  I have enough love in my heart to go around. I know that sometimes I spend more time with my church family and my best friend's family than I do with my own. But my church family shares my belief, and I can truly be myself there, and not have to deal with the other junk. I can pray out loud, I can be sad, or cry, and not be made fun of. My best friend's family loves me at my most unlovable points. They love me when I feel like I can't go on, when I feel like giving up. They love me when I am weak, not expecting me to be the strong one. 

In many ways I love my life, I love the people that God has put in my life. I hate having to live in a fallen world. I hate the way that this world is getting crazy, and sin is becoming the norm, and holiness is a thing to be mocked. I hate that Satan is running rampant. I hate that so many of my family members are lost, and don't even care, because its easier to sin and have fun than to be right. But I love my family, even when they don't realize it, or believe it. I am just in such an internal struggle that sometimes its easier to love them from a distance. 

Life is a lot like bacon. (yeah you knew that was coming). You see the word bacon, and you sigh. You smile, and your mouth waters because you know that its going to be great. Someone can tell you they are fixing bacon, and you get happy, because you anticipate that its going to be just the most amazing thing. Then you have to start making these decisions. Do you want thick cut, or thin cut? (Well that depends.) Do you want double smoked or uncured. (Smoked all the way!) These are like life decisions. Do you want to follow God or be of the world. Its the same way. It cannot be both! You cannot have your bacon both cured and uncured, the same way you cannot be Godly and worldly at the same time. Sometimes you buy bacon that looks to be amazing, you look in the window of the package and see lots of meaty pieces. (You go to church, and it feels good and you pray a prayer and think you got saved. ) but then you open the package and realize that it was just that one piece on the end that was meaty, and the rest is all fatty. (if there is no change in your life, then you were slipped a false salvation.)  The biggest fear of all, is to live your life in anticipation of the biggest, most awesome bacon sandwich in the world, and to get there on that day, and stand before God and realize that all you have coming to you...... is turkey bacon. (hell) and as you spend eternity eating turkey bacon, and knowing that if you had just followed God, you would spend eternity eating Hormel Black label double smoked center cut bacon. 
I know I'm being funny, and probably a little ridiculous, but my point is this. Are you truly happy in your life? This life is such a small portion of your eternity. I struggle with sin every day of my life. There are things I would like to do, but I Know they are sinful. SO I struggle and fight the temptations, because I look at the big picture of my eternity. Better a few years of unhappiness and an eternity of peace and joy, than a few years of sinful happiness and an eternity of agony. If you think you were saved and it does not bother you at all to live a sinful lifestyle, then maybe you were slipped some uncured bacon and your salvation was not real. I've been there, I lived almost 30 years thinking I was saved and I wasn't. Because it was toooooo easy to sin, and I didn't feel bad when I did it. 
so examine your bacon closely. Check to make sure its meaty, full of the goodness of God. Not loaded with the fat of Satan. Make sure its smoked with the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God that tells you when you are doing wrong. If you get defensive and feel the need to justify what you are doing, chances are, you shouldn't be doing it. and Please, Please, get right with God, so your bacon is pure, and not the turkey bacon of lostness that will lead you to Hell. I love you, and I want you in heaven with me. Eating bacon sandwiches with the Lord. 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Serving God: When Can I Retire?

Serving God has really been on my mind lately. I think maybe because its that time of year at church where we have elections for new positions for the church year. But serving God is a year round duty. Its not one I take lightly. So its one I have been thinking about a lot here lately and its made me ponder several points. 

I saw a sign on a church the other day that stated: Service to God is how we pay the rent on our home here on Earth. I got to thinking about that. and for those of us who are Christians, I feel this is true. God gives us a beautiful place to live, complete with four seasons, a beautiful sunrise and sunset daily, rain, rainbows after the rain, animals to keep us company, friends to help us through life, and two families, one we are raised in and the one in the church He puts us in. He gave His Son, to settle our sin debt, calls us to salvation, saves us from hell, all for free, but as such, we are supposed to do one job for Him, and that is to spread the word, lead others to Him, and LOVE our neighbors. 

Some people are saved young, and some, like me, are older. So in reality, all the VBS's, and church dinners, and things I did prior to being saved were just good works. So actually I have only served God for not quite 4 years. There are others who got saved young, so they may have 20-30 years of salvation on me, maybe more, so does that mean that they have more accrued years of service on me? Does God keep a service record kind of like the government does, with points per year, so that after a certain number of years of serving God, we can retire from service? 

Sometimes I feel like I need to really work hard, serving in every capacity possible because I feel like I wasted a lot of years I could have served. So I volunteer for everything under the sun, wanting only to serve and help God. In part of my service I ask others to volunteer to serve in one capacity or another. In some occasions I get the response of "I already did my time, let someone else do it." So it occurred to me that people have the attitude that after so many years of service to God, they can, in a sense, retire and spend the rest of their time "pew sitting" and letting everyone else work. But I have yet to find the scripture in the Bible that backs up this mindset. John was an old man, when he was on Patmos, and wrote the book of Revelation. He had been exiled, but yet, even after all he had done over the years to spread the word of Christ, he was still obedient and wrote down the vision that he was given. He served God til his dying breath. He could have easily had said, "sorry God, but I did my duty all those years ago, when I started churches, and traveled, and wrote the letters and books that You gave me to write. I just want to sit here on this island and relax. Send this vision to someone else." But, thankfully for us, he was obedient, and did what God wanted. 

Our salvation never ends, so how does our service to the One who saved us end? Yes, salvation is a free gift, and nothing was asked in return for it, but we who are saved are supposed to bear fruit, and be anxious and ready to serve God. Its kind of like the story in the Bible about the ten lepers. Jesus cleansed them all, but only one came back to thank Him and worship Him. I think a lot of people can be that way as well. God saves them, and they go on their merry way and live their life, never once thanking Him, or serving and worshiping Him the way He deserves. They come to church, get saved, and then are never seen at church again. 

So my question is: what is the retirement age of serving God? How many years do you have to serve before you can just sit on a pew for the rest of your life and consider your debt to Him paid? If you work extra hard, and volunteer to do a lot can you apply for early retirement? If you jump in there and meet your quota of leading people to Christ, can you get exempted from having to work later? If you work in the church nursery while your kids are young, are you exempted as soon as yours are grown? Or could you still help watch over the children of the church so that their parents are free to listen and grow? If you taught Sunday school for 6 years, does that mean you no longer need to do anything? I have served in many aspects over the short time I have been serving God, sometimes very actively, and other times in a smaller aspect, but in all I do, I serve Him to the best of my ability, according to the calling He has given me. Sometimes He calls me to do much, and other times, He gives me smaller jobs, because I need a time of growth or rest. But I have never thought about taking a season off, or that I would retire, this side of heaven. Because I think that our job never ends. God gives us free will, to serve or not to serve, but I don't want to stand before Him one day, and have Him look at me with disappointment and say, "Beckie, you did great in the things you did, but you could have done so much more. I never wanted a pew sitter, I wanted you to do My work on earth."

This may sound preachy, and that isn't my intention. And I really want to know how others feel about this. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. Everyone talks about the crowns we will have in Heaven, complete with jewels as our rewards for the things we do for God. I do not serve God expecting rewards, I do it because I love Him and am thankful for all He has done for me, and saved me from. But, if your works for God are the jewels in your crown, what do you think your crown is going to look like? I know some who are going to have these super tall crowns, so sparkling with jewels from all they have done, that it will be blinding. But some, I am afraid, are going to have crowns that look like the ones you get for the kids at Burger King, gold colored fold around paper, because they didn't feel the need to serve the One who created them, and all they have. 

I figure my crown will be small, and somewhat plain, and I figure my mansion will be small, but thats okay. Its not about crowns, or mansions, its about serving God here on earth, so that when I stand before Him, He is proud of all I did. I will serve Him until I draw my last breath here, and see Him face to face, because that is how I read the Bible, as it being a life long job. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Who God created me to be.

Today has been a rough day. Actually its been a rough several days. I have been in a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. The headaches are going on eight months. For awhile they had eased up, but now they are very severe again. A lot of people tell me I don't seem like I am in pain, but when you hurt all the time, after awhile you get used to it, and it becomes part of you. If its not migraine level, or close to it, I normally don't pay much attention to it. I think the same can be said of emotional pain. 

I have lived nearly a lifetime of emotional pain. Some of it I had control over and some I did not. But it has gone on for so long it has gotten to the point that it has just been part of who I am. I guess I figured I deserved to be treated badly, because it had gone on for so long. Because of it, I made bad choices on who I let in my life, and the emotional pain continued. 

If ten people told me I was awesome, and one person told me I was stupid, I believed the one. I was not a great student in school. I made average grades, and I excelled at reading and writing. But I struggled with Math. My 8th grade math teacher struggled so hard to try to teach me that she finally told me that I was too stupid to learn algebra, and to just take general and consumer math in high school. I got through math because I had awesome friends who helped me as much as they could. I got through math in college with massive tutoring. I took College Prep English in high school, and Honors English in College, I got an ACT scholarship, because my super high English score balanced my low Math score, for a 25 over all score. Back then a 25 got you a scholarship to Crowder. But every time I did something successful, all I could think of was I am too dumb to do math. At Crowder, I was the Editor of the Sentry, and Assistant Editor of the Quill, which are the newspaper and literary arts magazine. But I failed Spanish. So I was a failure. Always the negative. 

I spent my entire life beating myself up. I allowed others to do it too, both physically and verbally. My birth mother didn't want me. I never lived up to the idea of what my parents expected me to be. My brother made sure to remind me that I wasn't really a member of the family. The bully in grade school drove home the point of what an illegitimate child really was. My marriages were abusive. On and on and on. Like I said, some were my choices and others were not. But it made me who I am today. A broken person with low self esteem. 

I have been angry at God many times, wondering why. Why did I come in to the world in such a way. "My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts." Why was life always so hard. "for I know the plans I have for you.... to give you a future and a hope." Every single question comes with a response, from God, thru His word. I look back over my entire life, and I can see the hand of God, working in my life, turning my path here and there. I constantly took the wrong road, made bad decisions, but I can see where He would work things around, detour me to get me back where I needed to be. So I would, when His time was right, make a decision for Him. And even though that was the best decision I ever made, I still struggled. I still allowed myself to be abused, and mistreated. Used. I allowed "friends" in my life that had ulterior motives. It was never an equal friendship. I do for them, for little in return. I am a giver, a doer, I show my love for people by giving and doing. Cooking, giving things, helping. My counselor said I am a people pleaser. Perhaps I am. Another friend told me I am "Nice to a fault." I give and give, until there is nothing left. And if I chose to give to people who just take and take, pretty soon I am left completely empty. I am not saying I shouldn't give, or help, and I shouldn't expect anything in return. But its kinda like throwing pearls before swine. If all they are going to do is trample over me, does God expect me to continue? I am to love my neighbor, but that doesn't mean be his kicking dog. Maybe it means I should love him from afar. I need to be able to love myself. But if I continue to surround myself by people who just hurt me over and over again, I will never find a way to love me for me. 

If I won't fight for myself who will?  If I won't stand up to the ones who make themselves feel better by tearing someone else down, then I continue to be torn down. If I spend all my time trying to earn the love and approval of those incapable of showing it, I am pushing away those who earnestly love me, just the way I am. 

My project for the week is to find scripture that states I have value in God's eyes. And I am to examine my close friendships to see if they build me or hurt me. I am to fight for myself, and if someone tries to put me down, I am either to stand up for myself or walk away, not stand there and take it. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Planned before the foundation of the earth. I may have come here a little differently but I am not a mistake. I am worthy of love, and acceptance and those who only view me as someone to use, or pick on, are going to realize I am not going to be that person. We are to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. But when they do not choose to do the same, I think its time to step back. If they miss me enough to change and be what I need them to be, then I guess we are friends. If not, I guess time will tell. But for now, I just want to stop hurting. Emotionally for sure, as the physical may take more time. So its time to "suck it up Beckie" and be what God created me to be. Strong. Courageous. And an amazing Baconista! 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

What am I worth?

I have major issues with self worth. It's something I have struggled with for most of my life. I guess being adopted, I felt like if my own mother didn't want me, I must not be worth anything. There were a lot of issues growing up that led to a deepening of the feelings that I really didn't matter, and my self esteem was not the greatest. I got pregnant in high school, and discovered that the love I had was not unconditional, and that fall from grace had long standing effects. I married the father of my baby, even though he had already started abusing me. I had this fairy tale belief that it would get better, but it got much worse. But, I thought I must have deserved it, because I wasn't worthy of being treated better. My second marriage, while not being physically abusive, was controlling and verbally abusive. My hole got deeper, and so did my depression. 

After I got saved, I realized I had some value, otherwise God would not have given me so many chances. God sent His Son to die for ME! But even so, my self worth was not great. I was so beaten down by life that I still felt worthless. God put so many people in my life to lift me up, to encourage me, to be there as I struggled. Finally I realized that I deserved better than I had, and broke away from the abuse. But after being in it for so long, being away was harder than being in it. I began to self abuse. To constantly put myself down. To "ground" myself from the things that made me happy, because I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. 

And deep down, I was still judging myself by the Birth Mother value system. 

I have had people tell me how amazing I am. How I am smart, and funny, and awesome. and my usual response is "yeah right." Because I don't see myself that way. I write, because its in my blood. People tell me I am a good writer, but all I see is the mistakes I make. I am my own worst enemy. I am hyper critical of myself. Its my major downfall. 

There are times when I feel that life is almost too hard to handle. There are times I have struggled with a depression so deep that I have even had suicidal thoughts. My kids are the only reason I am still breathing. That, and the Holy Spirit that lives within me, that whispers "Keep going Beckie, things will get better." There are some days that it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, and it hurts to think. There are days the headaches get so bad, that I want to just give up. And out of the blue, God sends someone to me, with a message from Him, to give me just enough encouragement to keep going. 

The other night, things were really bad. And a friend told me that she wished I could see myself as others see me, because then I could see my worth, and would know I had value. She told me that she admired me! I have pondered that for a few days. I tell myself, that if I did not have value, I wouldn't have the great friends that I have. If I didn't have value, half the people in town wouldn't know me by name and be glad to see me. If I wasn't important to someone, then my Facebook wouldn't be overflowing with messages, bacon pictures, jokes and supportive comments. I was talking to another friend, and he told me that I needed to realize my worth. That God made me the way I am for a reason. and I needed to figure out how much God thought I was worth. That really stopped me in my tracks. That is the whole basis of it. It doesn't matter what the Egg Donor things about me. It doesn't matter what either husband thought of me. It really doesn't matter what anyone things of me. What matters most is what GOD thinks of me. How much value does He think I have? Obviously a lot. He sent His Son to die for my sins. He called and called, and never gave up on me, while I was being a jerk, and hating on people and pretending to be a Christian while I was living like Satan's little sister. God thinks I am valuable enough to make me the mom of three great kids, and smart enough to use my writing to bring glory to His name, and to His Son. 

I may never have anything here on earth. I may always be on the shady side of broke, I may never live in a fancy house or own a brand new car. I don't even care if I live in a cardboard box on the dirtiest street in heaven, at least I know I will be there. Because God loves me, and finds me worthy. Self worth isn't the key, God worth is. This is an issue I may always struggle with, but I am going to think about it differently now. And I am going to try to see myself as others see me. Because God has given me a purpose, or I wouldn't still be breathing, and Satan wouldn't be nailing me every time I turn around to try and get me off the path. 

What am I worth? In the eyes of my Lord, I am priceless. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

The Road

Everyone has those roads in their life that they wish they never traveled. Those moments of regret, those things that seemed like a great idea at the time, that have done nothing but lead to a lifetime of hurt. There are good things that have come out of these roads, but so many regrets. 

I would say the biggest regret I have is searching for my birth mother. I had this idea in my head. A fairy tale version, where I would find this person who had searched for me my entire life, desperate to find me. We would meet, and she would love me, and hug me and we would live happily ever after, making wonderful memories to make up for those lost. This is not what happened at all. She never wanted me. She never looked for me, in fact, she lived in fear of me searching for her. She didn't even really want to meet me after I did find her. She never accepted me, never loved me, and after we got past the point of trying to form a relationship, she hated me. I was her biggest regret, and the one thing she would do different if she could. My existence was her biggest regret. She wanted an abortion, but they weren't legal in 1968, so she had me, and gave me up. She had thoughts of me on my birthday, she said, she cried a lot, and battled depression. But I think I was a reminder of a time she did not want to remember. She told me of a boy she had dated, that she said was my father. But several years after I found her, I searched for him, found him, and we did a DNA and found that he was not my father. This made her angrier at me, and what of our relationship that still existed, ended, and she truly hated me. I always wondered why, until my sister, her daughter, sent me a notebook of our mother's writing. 

In that notebook, I found an entry, that was pretty much a retelling of her childhood. It was filled with pain, defiance, things I wish I had never read. There was a section that pretty much describes where I came from, explains why she hates me. Why, once it came out that the boy she wanted to be my father wasn't, then it confirmed the events that led to my existence, that I once again became a reminder of a time she regretted. Reading that, made me feel like I had truly been a mistake, like damaged goods. I have always struggled with feelings of unworthiness, with not feeling like I fit in with the family that raised me, but not feeling a part of the family I shared DNA with. I love my sister, and we are alike in so many ways. Our lives have really been parallel in so many ways. I have always been jealous of her, because our mother kept her, and she admitted she was jealous of me, because I got out and had a chance at a normal life. Other than my sister, and finding my Uncle, and meeting my grandfather, I wish I had never found her. The pain that it has caused me, has been very damaging. 

My life was on a very wrong path even before I found her. They say that life is half nature and half nurture. My nurture was lacking and my nature was bad. So I made a LOT of bad decisions in my younger years. and followed a lot of the same paths that she did, even tho I did it unknowingly. I was determined to be different, but found out I was much the same. When I found her and my sister, and saw how differently I was raised, I was glad. My parents weren't avid church goers, but at least I had a basis of belief in God. I thought I was right with God, but didn't realize until a few years ago that I wasn't. Thankfully God had patience with me, and kept waiting on me. Looking back tho, I was more like her than I ever realized. I did not love people, I hated everyone. I was not a good mother, because I really didn't even know how to love my kids. I was mean, and hateful, and grudge carrying, exactly like she is. My only saving grace was that I believed in God where she hated God. She is big in to witchcraft. The first day I spent with her, she took me to meet her shrink and to get my palm and tarot cards read. In my attempt to get her to accept me, I delved in to the things she liked, but it was so different from my raising that I never could accept it. I couldn't get too deep. I am thankful for that. 

After awhile we quit trying to have a relationship, because I couldn't accept the wild life she lived, and she couldn't accept me for who I was. I missed my sister, but life moved on. Several years later I found my sister on Facebook and we started working our way to a relationship. Our mother instructed her to tell me she was dead, and my sister tried, but in the end couldn't lie to me and told me the truth. Our mother became very hateful towards me, and said much to hurt me, until finally we blocked each other so I no longer had to deal with her hatefulness. But deep inside I still wanted her to love me. 

She had told me the name of the boy she said was my father. I searched for and found him. He asked to have a DNA test ran, so that he could confirm I was his before we attempted a relationship, because he had doubts due to the person she was. Well, he was right, and the test showed he was not my father. When she found out, she was so angry with me. She sent me the most hurtful and hateful letter imaginable, and even all these years later, the things she said still hurt, and still affect the person that I am. 

So much of who I am comes from her. So much of what I battle, comes from her. Even the writing, comes from HER. My weird little quirks that people laugh about, and tease me about, but accept because they love me, come from HER. We battle many of the same demons. I want to be nothing like her, but hard as I try, I am more like her than I can even imagine. I make decisions based on her. She is like this, so I won't be. She is a drug addict. I am so scared of becoming addicted to drugs, that I won't even take the medication that I need to for my health, because every time I take a handful of pills, I see her. She is addicted to pain meds, so I refuse any narcotic type pills, and basically suffer through the headaches, with something barely stronger than Tylenol. When I bother to take it. So in trying to NOT be like her, I am damaging my own life, and my body. Somehow I have handed complete control of my life to her, because every decision I make somehow is linked to her. Even tho we never see each other, never speak, she affects every part of my life. When I make parental decisions, its because I don't want to be the type of mother she was. I don't want Katie to follow my path, or her path. I have to take control back, but I am not sure how. 

I know that with God on my side, and the love of Jesus in my heart I can never be 100% like her, but there is still so much struggle there. And deep down inside I still have this deep seeded want for her to love me, to accept me. I am stuck on this road, full of pain, and pot holes and I don't know how to get off of it. I pray about it, I turn it over to God, and somehow, when I least expect it, the scab gets torn off the wound and I am hurting all over again. Everyone tells me I had a great family, and great parents, but there is always more to a story than meets the eye, and sometimes what people see, isn't always the way it is. But I will continue down this road, always searching for the path that veers off. Where I can finally be whole, and happy. I will battle the demons, and the negative thoughts, and will finally, one day, I will be complete. The thing I have realized, it may never happen here on earth. Fixing me may only come when God takes me home. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

What have you done for God lately?

I was reading a devotional the other day and it has just really stuck in my head. It says this:
Do you ever feel like you are just drifting along in life, meandering along without a way or purpose? God created you and determined a reason for your existence. You are special and have value. From the beginning of time He thought you were important and deserved to be included in His grand plan. Ask God to bring His plan into your view. Even if it takes 3 months, 2 years or a lifetime, continuously ask for God to reveal your purpose to come to fruition.  The accompanying verse was Acts 17:26.

This message has been rolling and rolling around in my head. We all have a purpose. God has a plan for all of us. SO many people constantly quote Jeremiah 29:11 and talk about how God has plans for us, to give us a future and a hope. We think about what GOD has for US. But we (and by we I mean me, as its not up to me to judge the walk of others) tend to forget that what that could also mean, is that His plan is for US to do things for HIM. God put us all here for a reason. A purpose. That purpose can be very complex, and change over the years. God didn't put us here simply to party, to go shopping, to sit on our behinds and watch tv all day. While this might be part of a normal life, we have much greater things to accomplish than this, because this does not benefit God in the least. 

God put us here to be a blessing to others. To point others to Him. To bring glory to Him, and to His Son. We are to be workers, Not that works can bring about salvation, but it brings about rewards that we will get when our job is complete. I was 42 when I got saved. I had 42 wasted years. I lived solely for myself, and even though I took care of my family, I did little to  point them towards God. Since I got saved, I have a desire to do things to please God, even though I fail miserably all the time. But we have to realize that God created us for a purpose, and He has things we need to be doing. Not all of us are called to be preachers, or teachers. And there are tiny, almost microscopic things we can do to bring honor to Him. Our church has t-shirts and hoodies made at least once a year. I have a huge collection of them in the years I have attended there. I wear them to work, or out around town, and am amazed by the comments I get from them. People ask me to turn around so they can read the Bible verse that is on the back. It gives me an intro to share my faith for even just a minute. To share God's word. 

I write, and attempt to glorify God in my writing, as much as possible. I try to help others. I don't have a lot of money, but even just helping someone if they are short at the cash register, or buying their meal, holding a door open, praying for someone, or asking if they are okay when you can tell they have something going on. Throw a few pennies in the penny cup at the store. Donate to worthy causes.  These are ways that we can share God's love. God created you and me not just so He could bless us with the desires of our hearts, and if we are obedient, He does just this. But He created us so that we can be a blessing to others. Every morning when I get up and say my prayer I pray that God will put just ONE person in my path than I can be a blessing to. Sometimes I know the moment He does. Sometimes I think I miss the opportunity He gave me, and sometimes someone comes to me later and tells me of something I said/wrote/did that made a difference in their life. Some days there are several people that He sends, and some days, He sends someone to be a blessing to me. God is amazing, and He loves us so much. None of us are a mistake, no matter how much Satan tries to convince us we are. Satan does this to derail us so that we don't feel worthy of God's love, and have no desire to do His work. 

So think about it a bit. What is God's plan for your life, that will honor and bring glory to Him? We all have a ministry, if we just open our hearts, our minds, and our eyes to see what we can do to make this world a better place, and to share His love with our fellow man. Sometimes we suffer, so that we can minister to someone who is suffering as we have. Sometimes God gives us extra, so we can share that with someone in need. Sometimes God gives us a talent, so we can use it to help others. No matter how much, or how little we have, let us use it to the best of our abilities and find the purpose that God created us to serve. And by doing that, we honor Him. 

Look at the gifts that God gives us daily, for no reason at all. He gives us a beautiful sunrise and sunset, every day! He gives us flowers, beautiful trees, friends and family. He gives us children to hug and love us with the innocence that they have. He gives us sunny skies, rain when we need it, and as much as I complain and gripe about it, snow when we need a snow day to get some rest, or some things accomplished. He gives us chocolate, He made sweet tea possible. He created music, and gives talent to others to inspire us, and to lift us up. And He created bacon. Glorious and delicious bacon. That in itself shows me how much God loves me. AND its on sale this week! God is surely smiling down on me and saying, "there ya go Beckie, thanks for all you have done for Me lately." 



Friday, March 20, 2015

The Pantry Shelf: Lessons Learned

Awhile back I blogged about the pantry shelf of my life. That the hard times in life I tucked away in jars, tightly put lids on them and then stuck them on the pantry shelves of my memory, not wanting to ever have to deal with them. Things festered up, lids popped off and toxins began to poison even the good parts of my life. To put it frankly, I was a mess. My health started going down hill, I have been suffering from a headache for over five months, with no end in sight. In the desperation of trying to "fix" my headaches, I started counseling and dealing with the problems of my past. 

It has been some of the most trying and painful times of my life. I have cried a lot of tears. I had been in the depths of despair. I have felt like the darkness would never lift. A valley is a low spot, between mountains. I have been in the valley. But the last little while I have been in a pit. A deep dark pit, with slick sides that seemed impossible to get out. I started Christian counseling, and we use God's word to deal with issues, but there were still some things that I was too ashamed to discuss. I had finally gotten to the point that I knew I had to talk about it, or the darkness was going to engulf me. But, we got a snow storm, and my appointment was canceled. But the woman I talk to texted me and said that if I needed to talk we could do so by phone, or by text. We spent the entire afternoon texting back and forth, and I was able to pour my heart out to her, discussing things that I have never told anyone else. There was no judgement, no disappointment from her. Just unconditional love and support, and she offered scripture to show that if I had asked for forgiveness, then I was forgiven. And as part of my salvation, those things were gone, that person was not me, and I had to forgive myself. Its taken a LOT of years, but I have finally succeeded in doing it. Will I ever get to the point that I can talk about it, probably not. It truly is between me and God. I know I am past it, because Satan tried to pull his game of bringing it up to rub my nose in the shame, but for the first time, the pain was gone. There was just a twinge, instead of the gut wrenching agony. I have been set free! 


The last few days I have had another struggle. I look at the things I struggle with, and decide if they are from God or from Satan. All of these struggles hurt, but growth is hard and painful. But if the pain is from shame and regret, then its Satan, but if its the pain that comes from healing, or growth, then its God. We had things very hard growing up, and I knew true hunger as a kid. There were many times that we had what is now known as food insecurity. Our kitchen was like Old Mother Hubbard's cabinets. It wasn't a matter of me being a picky eater, because I ate a lot of things I didn't like out of necessity. My pickiness was a result of those things. As I grew up, those hard times changed me, and defined me. I became a food hoarder. I panic if we run out of corn, no matter how many other vegetables we have. I buy stuff on sale, even if I don't need it, because I might. I stress over groceries, even though I know that we are fine. But its my security. My children have never known true hunger as I did. I hope they never do. But that jar on the pantry shelf of my mind has started to fester. I see hunger in others. There are some children that have come in to my life that know hunger. They know neglect. They know that they need someone to show them love. And they break my heart. Because I can see myself in them. I know this is a God thing, because its for my healing. 


But as my counselor and I talked about it today she said something that I never thought about. She said that the things we go through, God allows so we know how it feels and can then use those things to help others. If someone has never known hunger, how are they going to see it in others and be moved to help? If someone has never known pain, how are they going to recognize when others are hurting, and be there for them? If someone has never been in the valley, how will they know to offer a hand up to someone that is struggling out of their own valley? God has given me an empathy like I have never had before. I see pain in others, I see loneliness and emptiness. I see hunger. It is not something I like seeing. Life was simpler when I was hard hearted and not caring. But its not the path God had for me. I cry more than I ever have. But now I weep for others more than for myself. 


I have wondered for so long why all the things I have gone through had to happen to me. Why I have been down this painful path. Why I have had to be so different. Because God needed me on this path, to learn these lessons to use them to help someone else. There has been a scripture that has been so heavily on my heart the past few days. A friend and I discussed it also. 

Matthew 25:34-40
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Verse 40 is the kicker for me. Whatever you did for the LEAST of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me. God put me on the path I was on, to learn these lessons and then be able to use my experiences to help others. I am sure that as I go through the others jars on my pantry shelf, God will uncover other situations, that my experiences will be for good, and for His glory. Life can be very painful. We are all here for a reason, our lives have meaning, and we should use our experiences, both good and bad, to help those around us. So when we are in the mire, and covered in mud, and hurting, we need to look for the message. God is possibly using it for something later on. And the knowledge we gain from it, needs to be used. Like putting our candle on a light stand, not under a basket, otherwise God wasted the lesson. 
These kids I shared about have broken my heart. But its the best thing ever, because the scab has been ripped off of a very deep, old sore, and it can now heal. I am sure it will leave a scar, but the lessons learned won't be for nothing, because God has opened my eyes to pain in others, and I can help. I may not be able to change the lives of these kids, but I can do all I can to give them hope. I can show them love, feed them when I can, and pray specifically for them, that God will show them His never ending love. 
But its not just for me. Everyone has gone through something. Everyone has surely had a measure of pain, that they can use the memory of to lift someone else up. I am going through the end of a marriage, and trying to learn to live life on my own. Some people have never experienced this, and have no idea the struggle. But others have, and have reached out to me with advice, and encouragement. They have NO IDEA how much that has meant to me. At times has been the difference between falling down, and pushing forward. We all can be a gift to each other, if we spend our time building each other up, especially the younger kids, who may have no one in which to turn. If we do this for the least, we do it for God. Its the difference between being a sheep or a goat. A wheat or a tare. And the difference between hearing God say, "Depart from me, for I never knew you,"  or hearing Him say "well done, My good and faithful servant." I don't know about you, but that last line sounds so much better than the first. 
God loves us, so Live Loved. If you have been saved, you are forgiven. Live Redeemed. God has given us so much more than we deserve, so Live a life of Service. Take the lessons of life and use them for His glory. And then you will truly LIVE. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Bacon

Life is a lot like bacon. Now everyone that knows me, knows how much I love bacon. And I'm sure some are rolling their eyes at that statement but it is true. Life is a LOT like bacon. There are two kinds of bacon, no wait, make that three kinds. There is awesome bacon, decent bacon and crappy bacon. Think about that a minute. There are people shaking their heads and saying "No, all bacon is awesome bacon" but not really. 

There is Black Label bacon, which to me is the best of the best. Followed by Oscar Mayer center cut. These are the best quality, meatiest, most flavorful types of bacon there is. But.... they are also the most costly. I'm talking over $8 a pound bacon which means Beckie only gets it when its on sale, and I mean a really good sale. 

Then you have your Farmland bacon, which is my favorite, mostly because my son works in the Farmland foods warehouse. Farmland bacon is good, comes in several varieties, some are thick cut, some are thin cut, there is double smoked, lower sodium, and even lower fat (which means they just cut the fattier edges off). But there is a lot of variety to choose from, its a little more expensive but they put it on sale A LOT, at buy one get one free..... my favorite sale! 

Then you have your cheap bacon. Best choice, Best Buy, Ole Carolina, etc. And I am sure those are passable for bacon. But your fat to meat ratio is going to be a bigger concern. And some of the smoking preferences are not the greatest. 

So how is this like life? Well. Life is what we make it to be. We can choose a life like Black Label, that is super expensive, where we spend all of our time chasing a dollar, trying to live like the Jones'. We can be unsatisfied, because we can't afford those expensive vacations, cars, clothes and houses that others have. We can brag that we are having Black Label bacon for breakfast, not letting others know we are then eating ramen noodles for supper because we have shopped above our means.

 Or we can eat cheap bacon. Its decent and cheap, and I guess its filling, but is it really satisfying? Do we live our lives just day to day, not looking for the beauty in life? Do we spend the time with our kids and family that we should? Do we take the time to smell the flowers, take walks, share baked goods with the neighbors? Life is not satisfying if we aren't living it to the fullest. I'm not talking financially, as it's a matter of some have more than others, but we can take what we have and live a full life with it. 

I prefer a life of average bacon. Farmland. There is a lot of variety, its on sale a lot and its delicious! I have an average life. I work. I spend time with my family, though not enough. I spend time with my church family, and my friends. I spend time outside in the garden. I bake and share with friends and family. I try to help people when I can. I am kind of a bacon hoarder at times. (Well, most of the time) and in life I am somewhat of an introvert. I am very generous, but I tend to hold back a lot. I hide a lot of what I am feeling and going through. Even from the people who think they know all about me. 

Up until couple of years ago I rarely bought or ate bacon. True story! When I cooked it, I ate maybe a piece or two. I told myself I really didn't like it, because I had someone telling me all the time how bad it was. That is how I lived life as well. I told myself I didn't need to do this or that, didn't need friends, or to go places and do things. I lived a very shallow, sad and lonely life. I think the first weekend after my life changed I went and bought a package of bacon, the good stuff, and cooked and ate the entire package by myself. This was my way of saying, life is going to be good now. I can do things the way I want to and be okay. Its how I try to live life now. Yes, I realize that bacon is not overly healthy in excess. But I don't eat it nearly as often as I talk about it. I wish I did. 

So my point is this. Life is short. Too short to worry about everything. Too short to not LIVE. But, it must be enjoyed, without unnecessary stress, so live a life you can afford. Life isn't about STUFF, its about memories! Some people think they need an expensive vacation every year. It gets to be a habit and they really don't enjoy it because they are already trying to figure out where to go the next year to top that one. I took my first true vacation trip last year to Chicago. I may or may not take another one. But I made enough memories on that one trip to last a lifetime! But also, life can be enjoyed at every level. Some of my best memories with my kids are fishing trips a few miles down the road. No cost. But lots of love, laughter and memories. Just because you don't have as much as others, doesn't mean you have to let life pass you by. 

And lastly, watch closely the life you are living. Its like buying bad bacon. Look in that little window in the back, to see if what you are getting is all fat, or lots of meat. Don't just think that because its expensive or on sale that its all the same, or that its the best there is. It's not. Look at the people you are letting in your life, the ones who want to tear you down. Look at the situations you are going through, are there ways to avoid them. Those flaps on the back of the bacon package are there for a reason, so that you can examine the product and make the best decision before you buy it. Jumping through life without examining the path you are on, is dangerous, or disappointing. Because even though it might seem exciting now, there may be downfalls later. 

And it is very important to SHARE your bacon, because holding it all for yourself is not healthy, just like sharing your life with others is important, because life without friends is empty and lonely. And on that note, I think I need to go fix some bacon! All this typing has made me hungry!

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Reacting to the Storm

I think a common misconception that we have, is that as Christians we shouldn't have storms and struggles. We think that once we accept Christ, our lives should be easy. Oh, how I wish that were so. But since we are now living as strangers in a land that is no longer our home, it becomes much harder. We know that Satan has a large control over the earth, as said in 2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

So it goes to show that as Christians we are now the enemy of Satan, so he is going to do everything he can to derail us, discourage us and to tempt us back to a sinful life. We, as Christians, will struggle with these things for as long as we are following Christ. These are storms that we go through. There are also times that we are put through hard times by God, to test our faith, to teach us lessons, to help us grow. These are also storms. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the storms of life that we go through. And I think how we react to them says a lot about our faith. I have been thinking and reading a lot about two strong men of the Bible. One old testament, and one new testament. Job was a righteous man. He was favored of God, so much that God bragged about him to Satan. Satan then told God that the only reason Job followed God was because God had protected him. So God gave Job over for Satan to test, to see if he would turn his back on God if things got hard. My favorite quote of Job's is this:
 The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21
It didn't matter how much Satan put Job through, even the loss of his children, and all his possessions, he never turned his back on God. I will admit that I am no Job. I have been through some storms lately. Some have been kind of like a summer storm, and some have been tornadoes. I have had a headache for five months. It is usually just bothersome, but at times it goes in to a full blown migraine that knocks me to the ground. I have tried to figure out what brought it on. Medically, its sinuses for the most part. But spiritually, it has brought me down. I have missed more church in this past 5 months than ever before, because of the pain. The noise of too many people, or music causes pain at times. I have had to leave the sanctuary during the praise songs. I have quit singing in the choir. After Bible study I don't stand around and talk, because it gets loud, I go to the copy room and work on the bulletin, and miss out on the fellowship. I have battled depression, I have over medicated. I have at times struggled with suicidal thoughts. I have begged God to take the pain from me. I have prayed more. I have searched through my life for sin that I have not confessed. I have removed harmful people from my life, I have stepped back from toxic relationships. I have sought counsel from more mature Christians who can point me to the scriptures I need. I have forgiven people that never asked for it. I let go of dreams that cause me pain, that can never have a good outcome. I have started praising God in the midst of the storm. 

People ask me all the time how my headaches are, because I don't mention them as often. They are there. But after all this time they have become a part of me. I am not sure I would know what it felt like to not have a headache. I know that one day I will wake up and it will be gone, but in the mean time, I have a life to live and as long as it's not a migraine, I will go on as normal. I choose to praise God. I know that the headache has been for good. I would never have started this blog without the headache. I would never had sought counseling  and dealt with past hurts. I would not be writing. Over a year ago, God put it in my mind that I needed to write, to use the talent He gave me to bring glory to Him. I had no self confidence so I ignored it. Now I am listening. And because I have been obedient, God has blessed me considerably. I will continue to praise Him, even in the midst of the storms. 

The second Bible character is Paul. Paul is different from Job. Paul started out as Saul, and was NOT a good person. He did much to persecute the early church, and even was present at the stoning of Stephen. But God still redeemed him, showing that no one is above redemption, or above being used by God. But when we get to thinking too much of ourselves, sometimes God has to bring us down a bit, to keep us humble. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 says he was given a thorn in the flesh. . Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself!Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficultiesfor Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
I have had thorns in my flesh. There are times that God calls me to do things, and I do them, and feel really good about myself, and somewhat proud of my obedience. Then I sometimes forget that its not about me, but for God's glory. I have had people put me down, make fun of me. I get my feelings hurt, or have past mistakes brought up to discourage me, or make me question my faith. I have asked God repeatedly to take the tough situations away from me, to give me an easier path, and these verses come to mind, as His answer. His grace is sufficient for me. Lean on His grace to get me through. Maybe that is the key to the headaches. They keep me searching. They keep me humble. They keep me looking toward God. When my iron count was bottoming out, and the headaches were unbearable a friend of mine told me she didn't see how I functioned. I told her I functioned because I had to, and because God gave me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Despite the pain, the struggles, the doubts and the persecution I deal with because of my beliefs, I choose to praise God regardless. I will praise Him in the storm, the same way I praise Him on the sunshine filled days. One of my friends gave me a picture for my inspirational wall. It says "Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. " I am finally learning to dance. I may have two left feet and no rhythm, but God thinks I am as graceful as can be. He loves me, mistakes and all. He brings me storms, and allows me storms so that my faith increases, and to remind me that He is in control of my life, and really, I wouldn't want it any other way. 



Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace. It's probably one of my favorite hymns. It's one I sing in times of stress and struggle. The other day I was driving home and the road was getting slick. I was scared, because my truck is rear wheel drive and a stick shift and I am not great with either. I had already slid once, and also my wiper was broken so I was worried about visibility. I started to pray, out loud. I struggle sometimes when I am asked to pray at church, because I am not that great at it, and there are so many who say these nice pretty sounding prayers and I seem to stutter and stammer through mine. I forget its not those around me that its for, but for God. And I forget that no matter how bad my prayer sounds,  Jesus is there to rework it so that it is perfect when God hears it. But anyway, I was praying. And then I just felt the need to sing. I know a lot of contemporary Christian songs and sing them. But at that time, I just felt the need to sing a hymn. 

I am not a good singer by any means. I took voice lessons as a kid, but was told NEVER to sing with the radio, as it messes up your pitch. Well, thirty some years later, and lots of radio singing, and my voice isn't that great. I sing at church, I sing in the choir, but would never sing a solo. But on the way home that day, I sang a solo for God. Amazing grace. Over and over again. LOUDLY. And I really started listening to the words I was singing. I have sang it hundreds of times, but I guess I never really, REALLY listened to the words. Or maybe I never applied the thoughts of the words to my life. 

  1. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
    That saved a wretch like me!
    I once was lost, but now am found;
    Was blind, but now I see.
I never knew what grace was before I was saved. I sure didn't extend it to anyone, as I was a major grudge holder. I didn't know what forgiveness was, so how did I know I needed it? I thought I was saved as a kid, so I was "okay", but in all actuality, I was lost as could be, and living a terrible life. I was a true wretch, who deserved nothing, but God still chose me. He found me in the pile of muck I was living, and cleaned me off, and saved me.

  1. ’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
    And grace my fears relieved;
    How precious did that grace appear
    The hour I first believed.
  2. I had been in and out of churches most of my life, never staying in one more than a year or two before quitting.I had never felt conviction like I felt when I started at Solid Rock. I guess maybe I had small pangs of it, but then it became Hard and Loud. I would sit through church services and then go to my car and cry before I went home. But at the moment that I accepted Christ, the feeling of love and acceptance that flowed through me was like nothing I had ever felt before. 

  3. Through many dangers, toils and snares,
    I have already come;
    ’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
    And grace will lead me home..

 Once He made me His, I could see back through my life, all the things He had done, the ways He had worked. He had kept me safe several times. There are stories I could tell that I know were divine interventions. Times when I got out of scary and dangerous situations in ways that were almost miraculous. When I was in Chicago, I could feel His presence and knew He was keeping me safe. As long as I keep my eyes on Him, I don't sink. 

  1. The Lord has promised good to me,
    His Word my hope secures;
    He will my Shield and Portion be,
    As long as life endures.

God takes care of me. He always has, but I see it more since He saved me. I have always struggled with my bills, but it seems like things always work out that I can afford whatever comes along. When I was planning my first vacation last fall, I suddenly was given a lot of extra hours at work, and other opportunities that helped me earn the money needed. He has put opportunities in my path now that are taking me places I had only dreamed of. Doing things I always wanted but never dared to try. Like writing. God had put it in my heart awhile back to write, to use my words to bring glory to Him. And because I do, He has brought me more opportunities to write. My hope is in Him, and He never lets me down.

  1. Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
    And mortal life shall cease,
    I shall possess, within the veil,
    A life of joy and peace.

I used to be so afraid of death. But now I am not. I think the verse that talks about being absent from the body but present with the Lord now has new meaning to me. I will close my eyes here, and wake up in Heaven. I fear for my kids and family if I die, but I do not fear death itself. And I know that nothing on earth can take God away from me, and that everything here is just temporary.

  1. The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
    The sun forbear to shine;
    But God, who called me here below,
    Will be forever mine.
  2. Everyone keeps saying the time is short, that we don't have a lot of time left before the end. I have read enough of the book of Revelation to know that those days are going to be ugly. But I also know that the God who saved me, will take me home. Nothing will stop Him from loving me, from wanting me to be His. I never knew unconditional love until God showed it to me. 

  1. When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
    Bright shining as the sun,
    We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
    Than when we’d first begun.
  2. My favorite verse of all. Time seems forever here, but sometimes fleeting at the same time. I have been on this earth for 46 years. That sounds like a long time. I have been a Christian 3.5 years. But when I get to heaven, and see Jesus face to face, and stand in the presence of God, and there is no end, that is going to be the best feeling ever. I cry every time I sing that verse. Because that is the verse that drives it all home. If you are His, then you will be there forever! I keep thinking that when I get there, I want to do this, and this, and this. I want to ask Jesus questions. I want to hang out with Jonah, since he is the Bible character I am most like. There are so many people from the Bible that I want to talk to, to ask more about their stories than the Bible tells. (must be the writer in me). But I know that when I get there, nothing will be more important than worshiping at the feet of God. And I will never run out of time to do it. 

I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness. I am thankful that He loved me enough to save me. I am thankful for the writing ability that He gave me, to use to bring glory to Him, and to bring enjoyment to myself and to others. I have spent more than enough time beating myself up for the mistakes of the past. God has forgiven me and given me His grace to cover those mistakes. I am learning to extend that same grace and forgiveness to myself. God is good. And I am so thankful for His Amazing Grace.