Sunday, January 25, 2015

Changing the definition of MY LIFE

There comes a time when we have to decide how much of someone else's baggage we are going to continue to carry around. Even worse, how much longer we are going to let the lives of others define us, and make us who we are. I have just that issue. I let the mistakes of others affect my own life to the point that I am no longer ME but an extension of them. My entire life I have never really been "Beckie". I have been Albert's daughter, Helen's daughter, Ethan and Nathan's sister. Then I became John's mom. Later when I remarried I became John's wife, Joey's mom, Katie's mom. But not Beckie. I let the decisions, and yes the MISTAKES of those in my life become my choices. 

I have had real issues with my birth mother, and the fact that I do not want to be like her. To the point that if I realized I had something in common with her, I would quit doing it. Its almost like spite, but it holds me back in so many ways. She likes medication. In fact, she LOVES medication. So I take my fear of her addictions, and sabotage my own life. I get to where I don't want to take the medication the doctor has prescribed to fix my health situation, because every time I take a hand full of pills, I see her face. So I quit taking my medication. Or skip doses as a way to prove to myself that I don't really have to take it. That I am not like her. And hurt myself in the process. Sometimes its minor things that people think would be petty and crazy and they probably are. Her favorite snack is Nutella. So I refuse to eat it, because that would make me like her. I have followed her path in so many ways, even before I found her. She got pregnant young, and so did I. She writes, and so do I. Several of my quirks I got from her. But some are so ingrained that I cannot step back from them, so I choose the ones I can deal with. 

I have habits that people look at me and shake their head. I cannot handle my food touching. I have this long drawn out theory of what foods are allowed to touch and go together based on "rules" of food.  I have struggles with eating two different colors of M&M's at the same time. I used to pour my candy out and sort it according to colors, and eat it, in the order of the way they fall on the rainbow. These are things I am working on getting under control, getting past. Because these are things I got from her. But my entire life I have lived by the theory that "I don't want to be like her", but the problem with this is, I am letting her control my life, even though she isn't in it, because she is the basis of my decisions.

I recently left a very controlling and verbally abusive marriage. I decided to myself that I was no longer going to let him have control over me any more. But even though he is gone, he still has control. Every decision I make is based on things he has said, done, or thought, over the extent of our marriage. I have gotten in to a deep depression because its a struggle to break the pattern of life. Every day, the minute I got home from work, I was to go to the kitchen and start cooking. So now I rarely cook, because I don't have to. Its a rebellion, but its hurting me and my family, because we go our own ways, and eat separately, instead of having a family meal. My house is still his house, because he rules it silently, from a distance. Every decision I make is based on something in my head that I have heard him say. So I either follow the decisions he had laid down over the years, or I act in rebellion and do the opposite. But he still has control. I have to figure out how to take the control back, and make my decision be my decisions. But after so many years of being beat down emotionally, its hard. 

I am a list maker. I am one of those "to do list" freaks. When I cook Thanksgiving dinner, I make a menu, so I can check things off as I fix them. At work I have a list I keep written down, so I can check things off as I get them done. My friend made me make a To Do list of life. To list several short term goals to take control of my life back, and to get back on the right path. And she gave me a deadline. Some jobs are super simple, and some are going to be harder. Harder as in physically, and some are harder emotionally. Some are going to be like ripping a scab off of a wound, but it has to be that way in order to heal. Today that list is tucked away in my purse, like the shopping list I never can find when I get to the store. But I am going to rewrite it, and hang it on my wall. Because walking past and seeing those things not checked off will bother me, and I will have to take steps to getting the things accomplished. 

The people in my life and in my past only define me to the point that I allow it. And its time to stop allowing it. That is the only way I will truly take control of my life back. My life and my decisions should only be defined by my relationship with GOD, and by what will make me happy. I am not my mother, and I am no longer anyone's wife. Maybe on paper, but not in the ways that count. So today I am putting my foot down, and taking that first step in the direction of taking control back. I am not saying there won't be days of regression, and lots of tears. But I have friends in my life that are not going to see me fail. Today truly is "the first day of the rest of my life." And my checklist may end up very big, but I am going to work on my To Do list of life, until I get the life I want, and the life I DESERVE!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Depression... the never ending battle.

Depression is one of those tricky little things that creeps up on you when you least expect it. You can be doing really well, things are starting to look up, and then all of a sudden you realize that you are back-pedaling. That the darkness is overtaking you again, and you are starting to isolate. I love to be at church, I love my church family, but when the darkness starts to take over, I have to force myself to go to church. I can sit there, and wish I was anywhere else. I can feel completely and totally alone in a crowded room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to laugh, or sing, or smile. I try to fake it, to pretend I am okay when really, I am not.

Depression is like a buzzard circling in the sky over you, swirling closer and closer. I watch out in the fields and watch the eagles, the hawks, and the other scavengers circling over the top of a dead animal, and at times that sight just fascinates me, wondering what they are waiting for, why they just circle and circle, instead of just going down and landing. Then I realize that they are studying the situation. Depression is much the same way. Its always there on the edge, circling and waiting. Sleep becomes a struggle again, either you want to sleep too much, or you cannot sleep at all. Things that used to make you happy don't all of a sudden. People you normally talk to non stop, you find your self avoiding, so that they don't see that you are losing the battle again. Because it makes you feel like a failure. You start to isolate. Spending more and more time by yourself. You quit wanting to go places, you stop singing to the radio in the car. You keep your head down. Don't look anyone in the eyes. So they don't see the pain there. And the buzzards get closer.

You either start eating too much, or don't eat enough. You can look at food, and know you need to eat, and nothing tastes good. Or else you go on a mindless eating spree, trying to find happiness in the bottom of a potato chip bag. Or, for some people, you try drinking your troubles away, or taking pills, or self abusing. I am fortunate that I have not taken those roads. The roads I do take are troublesome enough. Words used on me in the past echo in my ears. They are like darts that pierce my heart, my mind and my whole being and make me feel worthless. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours. I cry. I fight the demons that tell me that I will never be good enough, that I am wasting my time trying, that I should stop fighting. That I should just let the darkness overtake me. And the buzzards get closer.

Sometimes they are so close I can feel their wings brush against me. Sometimes I can feel their claws in my back as they try to latch on to me, to drag me further down. I can feel their shadow over me, drawing closer, and its hard to breathe. Its impossible to think, the weight becomes almost unbearable. But a part of me keeps fighting. I reach out to people and ask them to pray, because when I get that low, I cannot even find the words to pray. I hide it well, I can carry on a conversation, I can pretend to be happy, I can even laugh, all the while I feel like I am drowning. Like I am dying inside. And at times I want to. But God lives inside of me, and He tells me that I am better than this. That I have to keep fighting the demons that are trying to keep me from feeling God's love. The Bible says that satan is like a prowling lion, seeking who he can devour. I think he is also like a soaring buzzard. Because I know depression is not of God, but it is something satan uses to keep us from being what God wants us to be. To keep us from knowing God's love, to keep us down, instead of letting us live happily. I notice that when I do great things for God, or I am getting ready to, that the depression hits. It sidelines me for awhile, until I battle my way back out of the murkiness.

Depression is something I may struggle with the rest of my time here on earth. I have battled it for a lot of years. Sometimes I win, sometimes it wins. but I think the key is that I never give up. I have to keep praying, keep my friends praying for me, keep fighting, and keep helping those around me that I see are struggling with the same situations. I can see that sadness in other people. I can sense their pain, and can almost see the demons that they, themselves are struggling with. I want so badly to help them, but I don't know how, when I can barely keep my own head above water. But I still reach out, I share my story with them, I share my struggles so they know they aren't in this alone. That someone understands just what they are going through. Because depression's power is in the isolation, in making you feel that no one understands. And if I can help someone else loosen its hold against them, then maybe it will break its hold on me as well. Depression makes you feel hopeless and empty. Like a freezer with no bacon in it. My freezer has a lot of bacon in it and therefore my life has hope and meaning. I know that probably doesn't make sense but in my little world it does. Bacon=happiness. So I keep struggling, keep fighting, keep praying and keep eating bacon, and sooner or later, (hopefully sooner) the depression will lift again, the buzzards will fly away, and I will be able to breathe, and laugh and life will be happy once again. But I know, its always there, circling and waiting.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I am......ME! (and not a mistake)

Being adopted has a lot of downfalls. The main one is not knowing your medical history, and secondly, not knowing your family history. When I was 21 I searched for my birth family and found them, and got medical information. I was told that I was German, and Cherokee. But still, when you look in the mirror, you don't really know. I have some parts of my birth mother, but other parts that I assume must have been from the man who helped to give me life. I cannot really call him my father, because he will always be a mystery to me. I have spend my life feeling like I was just someone's mistake. I have had people in my life that have reinforced that idea over and over, until it became who I thought I was.  

Recently, a friend and I started tracing our family genealogy. I had a hand full of names of relatives and I started entering them in the ancestry registry. Leaf after leaf appeared, taking me back another generation, and another. Through the 1800's when I found a relative that was Cherokee, and was on the Trail of Tears. Through the 1700's when I found relatives that fought in the American Revolution. 1600's when my family arrived in Jamestown on a ship.... from England. I am English! All of a sudden titles started to appear, Richard Cave, High Sheriff, Sir Robert, Lord of Helmsley, Barons, Knights, Lords of Estates, . Further back in to the 1300's William "the Lion" Huntington, King of Scotland. I found relatives that fought with William Wallace, and were hung, drawn and quartered and their heads hung on London Bridge! Back farther still, Edward the Elder, King of the Anglo-Saxons during the 900's. Cynric King of Wessex from 530. More leaves. Flocwald Asgard, King of the Trojans. in the year 100. and still leaves were popping up, until the last leaf was on Hwala Asgard, 120 BC.......BC..... I traced my family lineage to Before Christ. I sat there and stared at that name, and that date. Most of the people I know can trace their family back to the 1700's, or maybe the 1600's when they immigrated here, but to trace it back this far! The only way possible was that the royals kept records that most people do not. I traced my family back 83 generations. Through England, Scotland, Norway, Scandanavia, Germany, Iceland, Afghanistan, I had a relative that died in Australia. How can this be? I am nothing. But now all of a sudden I have this fantastic family tree, with hundreds of branches. I started out with 4 generations of names, and took it back 79 more, over 500 relatives names so far, and more leaves to click on the outer branches. I was busy going up, now I have to go out and fill in all the blanks. 

The history is fantastic, great stories, pictures of castles, statues, scrolls of family records, legends, monuments to great deeds. Portraits of family members. There are people who achieved great things, took great risks, lived, and traveled, and fought. One relative was married twice and had 23 kids between the two wives.  But I still had to wonder why I was finding so much information and my friends were not. Then a verse came to my mind. Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."  Now I am not talking about the prophet part of that, because I am no prophet, but the first part of that verse, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you...... God knew me, Before He formed the earth, He had a plan for me. All the way back to Hwala Asgard in 120 BC God knew that I would be born in 1969. I was never a mistake, I was planned. Maybe not by my mother. To her I was the consequence of her sin, but I was a part of the Master's plan. If I had just gone back to 1800 and then dropped off like so many of the sections of my family tree did, I would have just kept with the idea that I was a goof. But to be able to trace a line back, proves that God always meant for me to be. 

This changes nothing in my life, When I was a kid, I used to daydream that my mother was a princess, and I had been kidnapped by gypsies and put up for adoption, like the fairy tales, and one day my royal family would search for me and find me and take me to the castle. But, that never happened, and yes I do come from royal lineage, but no one is going to come and whisk me away in a carriage (or a limo). My exterior life is going to go on just as it did before. But inside, I have changed. I have a family tree! I know what parts of the world my relatives came from. According to Katie this explains my love for tea, because I am English. Maybe this explains my love for English and Scottish accents! But all in all, it shows me that God loves me, and that He always did, even before I took my first breath. Sometimes we forget that He has plans for our lives. I came from a long line of greatness. There is a tiny piece of each of those people inside of me. The life span of many of my kin were in the 70-80's. So I know these health issues are not going to get the most of me because I come from strong stock! My family stood up for what they believed in, even to the death! So who am I to fear the struggles I deal with!?? God is working in my life and I need to live up to what He has created me to be. I don't know exactly what that is, but I am going to start preparing. God put it in me to write. I am writing. For years I kept the words tucked inside me, scared of being put down. Now I put them out there and the ones who are meant to, will read them and the others will not. But I honor God with my words. All that I am, I owe to Him. I may not have a lot of worldly possessions, but I have a heavenly home. 

God has perfect timing, He put me in this place at this time, and allowed me to find this information so He could reveal to me that I am worthy. I always have been, I just didn't realize it.