Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Fighting The Infection Within

Lately, I have been doing zero writing. I'm not sure if it's because I feel like I have other things I need to be doing, or if I feel like I don't deserve to get to do the one thing that brings me the most pleasure. I claim writer's block, but really, I haven't even attempted it. But tonight, after a very powerful Celebrate Recovery, I decided that I needed to write out the things I am figuring out so that I can deal with it. Also, God has laid it on me that someone needs to hear this. Not sure who, but I pray that the right one reads this. 

My name is Beckie, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, who struggles with depression and feelings of low self-worth. I have many character defects, but these are the two that I struggle with most and the ones that I want to overcome first. I feel the others will come in time. I have been told much of my life that depression is a disease, an illness, and needs to be treated with medication. While I will agree that some cases are caused by a chemical imbalance, and am by no means downplaying that type of depression, I also believe that in many cases, depression is a byproduct of a severe case of "Life-sucks-itis". At one time in my life, I was heavily medicated for depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I changed my life situation and it improved, at least until my life took another downward spiral. 

At Celebrate Recovery tonight, the study leader stated that Depression is NOT an illness. It is a symptom. This resonated in my head and it was like a light switched on. I had heard this before, but for the first time it really REALLY sank in. When you get a cold, you get a cough, sneezing, headache, sore throat, etc. So, you have a sore throat. But a sore throat is NOT your disease, even though it may be the worst sore throat you ever had. The problem is, you have a COLD. The core issue is a germ that gave you a cold. But no one really considers the core issue, a germ. They discuss the symptoms. So here are my symptoms, (remember, not my disease) I have depression, experienced with bouts of melancholy, sadness, crying, isolation, and at times in the past, suicidal thoughts. I have anxiety, experienced with bouts of racing thoughts, running scenarios of things that will never EVER happen, stress, insomnia, sadness and feelings of abandonment. I have low self-esteem, experienced with sadness, feelings of  being unloved, unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary, and worthlessness. These are all symptoms. There is a CORE ISSUE, that causes these things. So my depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem are like an infection, not an ailment. There is something inside me causing this infection. 

In my case, its damaged relationships, the abuse I have suffered, both physical and emotional, and a lot of  issues cause by my adoption, finding my birth mother, and two failed marriages. Because I was never taught ways to cope with things, I buried them. I dealt with things by not dealing with them. I poked those hurts in a box and put it on a shelf and tried to move on with my life. But they just sat there, on that shelf, festering, dripping poison onto the healthy parts of my life until those also became infected. 

I didn't feel like I deserved good things, happiness or success, so I never strove to be all I was created to be. I would turn down good opportunities, rather than put myself out on a limb and face disappointment, I would sabotage relationships because I was afraid they would hurt me. I put walls up between myself and virtually everyone else so that they couldn't get close enough to see that I was hurting, or to hurt me. 

So, now I am a mess. Even with God in my life, I still struggle with depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety. People say that's not possible. That a saved person cannot be depressed. But, if you never dealt with the junk from before God, how can you ever be clear of it? I turned my life fully over to God, and asked Him into my heart, but there was always that little closet in the back of my mind that I kept locked up from Him. 
"Sure God, you can have access to all of me, my heart, my head, my decisions. What? That little closet in the back of my mind? Oh, that's nothing, just a bunch of boxes of stuff I never dealt with. I was just going to deal with it later. Now? Ummm, kinda busy now, so I was thinking later, much later, you know, like LATER later. And maybe You will forget about it and we can leave it alone. See me serving You? Praising and worshiping and working for You? See me being all busy and stuff working in the church? Yeah, I don't have time for boxes of issues." And life goes on. I serve God to the best of my ability, I serve my church. I give great advice to my friends who deal with the same issues, I read my Bible, but not nearly enough, I pray regularly. And I have a raging infection brewing inside me that sidelines me when I least expect it. I can be having just the greatest day, and BOOM, a negative thought hits me and I start spiraling. It cycles, the scenarios start, the emotions snowball, the tears begin. I isolate, I cry, I sit up half the night going over things I said or didn't say. I reread texts to see if I said something wrong. Morning comes, I struggle to get out of bed. I don't want to see people, I don't want to go anywhere, but I have to. So I plaster a fake smile on my face and greet the day. I can fool most people, except the ones who are where I am, because they recognize the signs, and the ones closest to me, because they know me. 

The symptoms are killing me slowly. The depression keeps me down, the anxiety keeps my mind occupied with junk and the negative voices fill my thoughts with lies that keep me from fighting. 

But that was then. This is now. I take the key and turn the lock on the closet door. I step inside and look at the boxes. The number is daunting. I sigh deeply, and reach for the first box. I open it, and with the help of God, and my Celebrate Recovery family, and my church family, I start going through the painful reminders of my past. I look at the lies I believed for so many years and exchange them for truths. I shake out the wrinkled tattered rags of my childhood and replace them with pure white garments of truth that God has given me. I am not unwanted, I am a child of God. I am adopted, TWICE! I am adopted into my earthly family, but also into the family of God. I am not unloved, John 3:16 tells me I am the Whosoever! Jesus died for ME! I am not unneeded, I am shown this every day when someone asks me something, or needs help, or comes up needing a hug, or encouragement. I am not a mistake. God planned for me before the earth began. Slowly the lies are exchanged for the truth. and the TRUTH is setting me FREE. 

Satan sends demons to whisper those negative thoughts in my ears. The Bible says we don't struggle with flesh and blood but powers and principalities. Every time I make great strides for God, or am about to, these negative thoughts get so strong it's hard to drown them out. But I have to continue to fight. 
I found this saying once, and it's really coming true:
God has a plan for your life.
Satan also has a plan for your life. 
You have to figure out which one to battle and which one to embrace.

I look at the people that I see at CR each week. They are just like me. They are struggling with demons. My demons are depression and negativity. Theirs might be drugs or alcohol. But even those are simply symptoms. There is still a core issue that they have to face, and deal with to ever be free from it. CR is giving me the tools I need to do so. And with God's help, I will be successful. Because somewhere out there, is peace and happiness. I thought I could settle for contentment, but I can't. I need happiness. And true happiness will only come when I free my body from the poisons that are eating me from the inside out. One day at at time, one box at a time. I didn't get to this point overnight and I won't heal overnight. But I feel like I am finally on the right path. 

I have always been the type to not want to do anything alone. I wanted someone to go with me and hold my hand. God has put distance between me and the ones I usually go to. Because this is a journey I have to make on my own. Because if someone is with me, I rely on them and not on God. God has put me in a labyrinth. People can watch me over the top of the walls, and cheer me on, or give me advice, but they can't go with me. I have to find my way through this maze on my own. I have to listen for God's voice to tell me which way to turn. I truly hope it's a small maze because we all know my sense of direction sucks. I don't want to spend years in here. But I am making my way. And I can shout encouragement to the other people in their own mazes, trying to find their way to the treasure box that is at the end. A treasure box full of what all of us are searching for. Healing and peace. 

So that's my journey. It's where I am right now. Sometimes I look down and lose sight of God. But I don't give up and I won't. Because God did not create me to be a quitter. He is right there in front of me waiting for me to look up and take the next step. To rip the lid off the next box so we can go through it, and He can exchange the rags for something much better. 

If you have read this far, this isn't the same as the blogs I usually write. It's deep and emotional, and hard. But it is also truth, and as I said before, it's something that someone needs to see. 

Life isn't fair, and it isn't easy. Being a Christian doesn't mean life gets easier, it just means I no longer have to go this road alone. and I will make it to the end because God's word says so. I can do ALL things, through Christ who gives me strength.