Friday, February 27, 2015

Forgiven

I think the biggest struggle I have as a Christian is remembering that I am forgiven. Satan loves nothing more than to unpack the memories of my past life and rub my face in the shame of the person I used to be. And it works every time! I can be cruising right along, serving God and all of a sudden something triggers a memory of something in my past that I am not proud of, and BOOM, I am swimming in a mire of regret, or self hatred, because of things that I knew better than to be doing. Then I start beating myself up, and I get depressed, because I have not been a person that I can be proud of. I take my eyes off of God, and like Peter, I start sinking like a stone. 

When all I have to do is remember that I am forgiven. My sins have all been washed away. The Bible says that when we confess our sins God is just to forgive them, and not only that, but He forgets them, and puts them as far away from us as the east is to the west. God never wants to look at the sins we have committed once He has forgiven us for them. So why do we keep letting Satan bring them to our remembrance and make us feel like we have not been forgiven? 

I have some things in my past that I have really struggled with. Satan nails me with them over and over again. Then I start to wondering if I really have been forgiven, did I forget to confess this to God? So I take it to God, ask forgiveness, over, and over, and over again. I know that God is patient, but I think sometimes He shakes His head at me and sighs deeply and says, "Here we go again." I have been talking to my counselor about it and she said that I have to remember that when I got saved that I became a new person. That I am not the person I used to be, that did the things that Satan reminds me about. She said that I cannot continue to beat myself up for the mistakes of my past, because all that does is give Satan power, and it keeps me from fully serving God. 

I have thought a lot about that this past week. I am one of those reflective people who sit and ponder things for hours. I have had a lot of quiet alone time this week, and have done a lot of thinking and soul searching. I have realized that I have been a lot like Lot's wife, I  have so much ahead of me that is wonderful, but I cannot resist looking back at the life I once lived. While I don't fear being turned in to a pillar of salt, I am just about as worthless as one, when I do this, because I am not looking at God, and towards the new life He has made for me to live. I have to conquer Satan on this, and break his power over me in this. I am really good at giving this advice to friends and family but really struggle hard at taking it. God saved me. He chose me. He knew about my past and loved me anyway. Jesus loved me enough to die for me, to pay the price for my sins so I would be able to be forgiven of them. Sometimes I get down and think that God surely made a mistake in choosing me, and that if He would look back over His records and see the life I have lived, He would take back His gift of salvation, but I know that is not possible! Nothing slips by God, and He sent His Son to save those who were broken, and full of sin. He is the great physician, who can lovingly fix the most awful mess and turn it in to something beautiful. When God looks at me He doesn't see the mistakes I made, He sees the one He loves. In the Bible,  John always refers to himself as the one Jesus loved. But any of us who are children of God, can say the same thing. WE are also the one that Jesus loved. God loved us enough to create us, and send His Son to die for us, Jesus loved us enough to go through that horrible death so that we can spend eternity in Heaven with Him, and the Holy Spirit loves us enough to convict us of our sins so that we will confess them.
And Satan...... Satan hates us. Because we turned from him to God. Because we quit living a worldly life and started trying to live a Godly one. We struggle, yes. We fail, oh all the time. And every time we do Satan thinks that he has us where he wants us, and that if he can keep us down, we will turn our back on God and go back to following him. So he starts reminding us of our failures, making us feel unworthy of God's love and grace. But I have decided that I am not going to play his game anymore. I am a born again, forgiven child of God. I have been adopted in to the family of God. I have been set free. I am the one that Jesus loved. It's what we have learned our whole life, we even taught it to our kids. Jesus loves me, this I know...... and even though I have made mistakes, and still do, they are not what defines me. What defines me, is how I choose to worship and serve the One who created me. I am not defeated..... I am FORGIVEN!!

Monday, February 16, 2015

Is Your Tongue a Sword or a Tool?

There is a verse in Proverbs that has really been on my mind tonight. Its Proverb 12:18. "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  I have been thinking about this verse because its one that has been affecting me a lot lately. I love words. As a writer I guess that would be necessary, but I believe in the power of words. 

Words have many functions. They can entertain, they can educate. They can encourage. They can be used to build a person up. But they can also be used to hurt, to discourage and to completely tear a person down. Words spoken in anger are almost always a danger to someone's feelings. But in all actuality, words spoken while joking can be just as painful. Careless words hurt as much as planned attacks. This is a struggle that I have been having lately. I have been verbally abused for much of my adult life. And truth be told, I was verbally abused as a child too. I have been bullied, and made fun of. And in my pain I have done the same to others. But I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of being hurt, of being abused and being made to feel small. I am weary of people who are supposed to be my friends, taking pleasure in belittling me with their comments. Maybe I am being thin skinned, but it hurts. 


In counseling we have been discussing this. I am supposed to examine every relationship I have, and decide whether that person builds me up or tears me down. Lately I have been doing this. And perhaps that examination has made me super sensitive where before I was not. But I have noticed more and more, the people who claim to be my friends are the ones who hurt me the most. I have to wonder why? Are they hurting in their own lives so that they have to try to bring down others around them so that they can feel better about themselves? Or are they just not realizing that the words they say are damaging to the ones around them? The hardest part to realize is how I gave these people so much power over me and my feelings that I have allowed them to hurt me so much. 


I am one of those people that, when I am someone's friend, I give my all to that friendship. Perhaps I give too much. I open my heart completely and let those people in. I give them access to my emotions, to my feelings and I share my hopes and dreams with them. Most of the time, they take very good care of them, and help me on the path that I go, encouraging me, or cheering me on. They laugh with me, and cry with me. But once in awhile, a counterfeit friend sneaks in, who only has selfish motives. They think they are being a friend, but its more about what you can do for them, than what they are willing to do for you. And when you cease to be of use to them, then they take the knowledge that they have of your life, and they use those things as weapons against you. They know which buttons to push, and the fastest and easiest way to hurt you. Oh, they don't come right out and say that they aren't your friend anymore, because they might need you again in the future. But they still hurt you. And honestly, some may not even realize that they are hurting you, under the guise of trying to be funny, or thinking they are being cute. But when it continues, a person really has to start deciding if they want these people in their lives anymore. 


Another Bible verse that I really like is Ephesians 4:29:  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I am not saying that I am not equally guilty of unwholesome talk. But if I see that someone is trying to improve their life, or do something different, I do what I can to encourage them. If someone asks me about something they are writing, I don't lie and tell them its great when it isn't, but I also don't trash it completely and crush their dreams. I build them up while pointing out ways to improve it. I encourage them to keep working on it. I offer any help I can. That goes with anything that someone is doing. I know people who are trying to lose weight, and have failed attempt after failed attempt. And each time they come to me, telling me they plan to lose weight, I encourage them. I do not feel the need to remind them of every failure in the past. Or belittle or make fun of them. I try to be the positive in their life and do what I can to help them. 


God wants us to love each other. And we don't hurt the ones we are supposed to love. If the words we are saying cause them pain, then maybe we need to rethink the words we use. If we think we are joking, and we realize that we are hurting them, then we need to find different words to use. Sometimes we don't realize what all a person is going through in their life. We don't realize that what we are saying in fun, may be a reminder of what someone else said to them in anger, and we are pouring salt on a wound. 


I have been taking a step back from many hurtful relationships. These so called friendships have become toxic and these people just are not good for me. They spend more time tearing me down, than being there for me. I have spent hours crying or hurting over things they have said or done. Being let down by them, when I needed them most. Being a Christian does not mean we have to be a punching bag for someone, physically or emotionally. We can love and respect someone but sometimes it might need to be from a distance. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being made to feel small. 


I am trying to watch more carefully the things that come out of my mouth. Remember the old saying, "if you have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I am a lot more quiet than I used to be. I bite my tongue a lot. Because I do not want to add to someone elses pain the way I have been hurt. I have really started watching how I talk about myself, to myself, to others and about others. Because I know my tongue can be a sword. And I would rather it be a tool, to build someone up, rather than tear someone to shreds. Life is hard. Life hurts. I have had a lifetime of pain and I just want to be happy. I want to write, and travel, and laugh. I want to see new things, and make new friends. I want to eat bacon, and bake new desserts. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, that I can love in return. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be like honey, sweet and enjoyable. And I want the words that I hear to be the same. So to my friends, think before you speak. Build up, instead of tear down. And for the ones who have hurt me, I already forgive you. But if I have taken a step back, and you wonder why? Think about how you talk to me, and that might be your biggest clue. 


I leave you with one more scripture. Matthew 12:36-37 "But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."  These are tough words. I have many words to give account of, and for this I am ashamed. But I hope that in the future, that my choices are better, and the words that come out of my mouth are more pleasing to God. Because in all actuality, He is the only one I want to make happy, and the way to do that, is to show love to the ones He has put in my path. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Letter from God

A while back I was going to a different counselor and she gave me an assignment that I was to write a letter to God, pouring out my feelings and problems to Him. And then I was to write a letter FROM God, using scriptures to back up what I thought He might say in response. It seemed to be an impossible assignment but as I was doing everything I could do to get past the depression that was getting darker every day, I decided to give it a try. I sat down, and over an hour poured out my heart to God. But it was tough. What was I going to say to Him. I would type. I would delete. No, that sounds whiny. That sounds dumb. God isn't going to think this is important enough to ask Him about. Then it came to me that God already knows, and He thinks everything about us is important, because He loves us. God doesn't just want our big problems, He wants our tiny ones. He wants us to come to Him when we lose our car keys, when we have a bad day, and when we want to give up. I finally made it though the letter, and then sat there. It was time to write the response From God. I prayed, and sat down, closed my eyes, and began to type. Words flowed from my fingertips at lightening speed. I am not a good typist, but my fingers flew across the keyboard. Finally, I reached the end, and looked back at what I had typed. It was the most perfect thing I had ever done. I shared it with a couple of people but have just sat on it since. But God has been working on me lately that I need to share the gift He gave me, the letter that reads so perfectly I know that the Holy Spirit inside me delivered that as a message from God. SO here goes:

Dear Beckie,
I know at times your life doesn't make sense, but Know that I have plans for you. Plans to bring you a future and a hope. Sometimes the road seems hard. You make rash decisions, without seeking My will for you. You veer off the path I have for you. Then I must re-route you to put you back on My path. These side routes are hard, but necessary to find the Narrow Gate of righteousness, away from the wide gate that leads to destruction. My child, I know you, I know all the suffering you have gone through, I know that even when you fail, you succeed, because you learn and grow. All things work for good for those who love Me. Before I formed you in your mothers womb, I knew you. I knew where you would end up, and there is a purpose for it, just as there is a purpose and a time for everything under the sun. I love you Beckie, so much that I sent My Son to die for you, so that you could live for Me and with Me eternally. When the time was right, I called you. You were stubborn, and rejected Me many times, but I kept calling you, kept drawing you closer to Me, and I knew that you would eventually turn to Me. My children know Me, they hear My voice, I have called to you many times, you recognized My voice because you belong to Me. I send you trials and temptations to strengthen you, to help you grow. To prove to Satan that you belong to Me. I don't give you any trials that are more than others have gone through, including My own Son, and I always give you a way out, so that you can stand up under the trial. Sometimes you fall, sometimes you forget to listen for My voice, you take your eyes off of Me, and wander away. But you always come back, and I am here waiting on you. Because I love you. Even when the demons come, and attack you, for My sake, remember that Jesus defeated them on the cross. Remember the end of the Bible, Beckie We win. Satan can only hurt you for a little while, but through Me, you will have victory. Keep your eye on the cross, on Me. When you feel unloved, remember how much I love you, Remember that Jesus loved you enough to die for you. Remember that I have placed people in your life to love you and make up for the ones who didn't. You touch their lives in ways you don't even realize and through you, their faith in Me grows as well. You are a strong warrior, whether you believe it or not. I love you, I have faith in you. I never regret creating you. Remember, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts and My ways are higher than your ways. Its not up to you to understand, its up to you to live, to worship, to pray, and to grow in grace in Me. Life is hard, because Satan has control of the earth, but only for a little while longer, and then I will send My Son, to bring You and the rest of My children Home to Me. I cannot wait. But there is much to happen before that day. Keep up the fight, My child, keep looking up, keep listening for My voice. and always remember, that I love you. 
Love, God


I reread this letter whenever I feel discouraged. When life gets hard. Because in my heart I know this is what He would say to me. Think about your own life. If you were to write a letter to God what would you say? What questions would you ask Him? And if He sent a letter back, what truths do you think it would reveal? God loves me. My crazy life at times does not make any sense to me at all, but God understands it completely. I may not always do what is right, but sooner or later I figure it out. And my greatest hope and prayer, is that on the day I stand before Him, He looks at me with love, and says Welcome Home Beckie.