There is a verse in Proverbs that has really been on my mind tonight. Its Proverb 12:18. "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." I have been thinking about this verse because its one that has been affecting me a lot lately. I love words. As a writer I guess that would be necessary, but I believe in the power of words.
Words have many functions. They can entertain, they can educate. They can encourage. They can be used to build a person up. But they can also be used to hurt, to discourage and to completely tear a person down. Words spoken in anger are almost always a danger to someone's feelings. But in all actuality, words spoken while joking can be just as painful. Careless words hurt as much as planned attacks. This is a struggle that I have been having lately. I have been verbally abused for much of my adult life. And truth be told, I was verbally abused as a child too. I have been bullied, and made fun of. And in my pain I have done the same to others. But I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of being hurt, of being abused and being made to feel small. I am weary of people who are supposed to be my friends, taking pleasure in belittling me with their comments. Maybe I am being thin skinned, but it hurts.
In counseling we have been discussing this. I am supposed to examine every relationship I have, and decide whether that person builds me up or tears me down. Lately I have been doing this. And perhaps that examination has made me super sensitive where before I was not. But I have noticed more and more, the people who claim to be my friends are the ones who hurt me the most. I have to wonder why? Are they hurting in their own lives so that they have to try to bring down others around them so that they can feel better about themselves? Or are they just not realizing that the words they say are damaging to the ones around them? The hardest part to realize is how I gave these people so much power over me and my feelings that I have allowed them to hurt me so much.
I am one of those people that, when I am someone's friend, I give my all to that friendship. Perhaps I give too much. I open my heart completely and let those people in. I give them access to my emotions, to my feelings and I share my hopes and dreams with them. Most of the time, they take very good care of them, and help me on the path that I go, encouraging me, or cheering me on. They laugh with me, and cry with me. But once in awhile, a counterfeit friend sneaks in, who only has selfish motives. They think they are being a friend, but its more about what you can do for them, than what they are willing to do for you. And when you cease to be of use to them, then they take the knowledge that they have of your life, and they use those things as weapons against you. They know which buttons to push, and the fastest and easiest way to hurt you. Oh, they don't come right out and say that they aren't your friend anymore, because they might need you again in the future. But they still hurt you. And honestly, some may not even realize that they are hurting you, under the guise of trying to be funny, or thinking they are being cute. But when it continues, a person really has to start deciding if they want these people in their lives anymore.
Another Bible verse that I really like is Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I am not saying that I am not equally guilty of unwholesome talk. But if I see that someone is trying to improve their life, or do something different, I do what I can to encourage them. If someone asks me about something they are writing, I don't lie and tell them its great when it isn't, but I also don't trash it completely and crush their dreams. I build them up while pointing out ways to improve it. I encourage them to keep working on it. I offer any help I can. That goes with anything that someone is doing. I know people who are trying to lose weight, and have failed attempt after failed attempt. And each time they come to me, telling me they plan to lose weight, I encourage them. I do not feel the need to remind them of every failure in the past. Or belittle or make fun of them. I try to be the positive in their life and do what I can to help them.
God wants us to love each other. And we don't hurt the ones we are supposed to love. If the words we are saying cause them pain, then maybe we need to rethink the words we use. If we think we are joking, and we realize that we are hurting them, then we need to find different words to use. Sometimes we don't realize what all a person is going through in their life. We don't realize that what we are saying in fun, may be a reminder of what someone else said to them in anger, and we are pouring salt on a wound.
I have been taking a step back from many hurtful relationships. These so called friendships have become toxic and these people just are not good for me. They spend more time tearing me down, than being there for me. I have spent hours crying or hurting over things they have said or done. Being let down by them, when I needed them most. Being a Christian does not mean we have to be a punching bag for someone, physically or emotionally. We can love and respect someone but sometimes it might need to be from a distance. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being made to feel small.
I am trying to watch more carefully the things that come out of my mouth. Remember the old saying, "if you have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I am a lot more quiet than I used to be. I bite my tongue a lot. Because I do not want to add to someone elses pain the way I have been hurt. I have really started watching how I talk about myself, to myself, to others and about others. Because I know my tongue can be a sword. And I would rather it be a tool, to build someone up, rather than tear someone to shreds. Life is hard. Life hurts. I have had a lifetime of pain and I just want to be happy. I want to write, and travel, and laugh. I want to see new things, and make new friends. I want to eat bacon, and bake new desserts. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, that I can love in return. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be like honey, sweet and enjoyable. And I want the words that I hear to be the same. So to my friends, think before you speak. Build up, instead of tear down. And for the ones who have hurt me, I already forgive you. But if I have taken a step back, and you wonder why? Think about how you talk to me, and that might be your biggest clue.
I leave you with one more scripture. Matthew 12:36-37 "But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." These are tough words. I have many words to give account of, and for this I am ashamed. But I hope that in the future, that my choices are better, and the words that come out of my mouth are more pleasing to God. Because in all actuality, He is the only one I want to make happy, and the way to do that, is to show love to the ones He has put in my path.
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