Who God created me to be.

Today has been a rough day. Actually its been a rough several days. I have been in a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. The headaches are going on eight months. For awhile they had eased up, but now they are very severe again. A lot of people tell me I don't seem like I am in pain, but when you hurt all the time, after awhile you get used to it, and it becomes part of you. If its not migraine level, or close to it, I normally don't pay much attention to it. I think the same can be said of emotional pain. 

I have lived nearly a lifetime of emotional pain. Some of it I had control over and some I did not. But it has gone on for so long it has gotten to the point that it has just been part of who I am. I guess I figured I deserved to be treated badly, because it had gone on for so long. Because of it, I made bad choices on who I let in my life, and the emotional pain continued. 

If ten people told me I was awesome, and one person told me I was stupid, I believed the one. I was not a great student in school. I made average grades, and I excelled at reading and writing. But I struggled with Math. My 8th grade math teacher struggled so hard to try to teach me that she finally told me that I was too stupid to learn algebra, and to just take general and consumer math in high school. I got through math because I had awesome friends who helped me as much as they could. I got through math in college with massive tutoring. I took College Prep English in high school, and Honors English in College, I got an ACT scholarship, because my super high English score balanced my low Math score, for a 25 over all score. Back then a 25 got you a scholarship to Crowder. But every time I did something successful, all I could think of was I am too dumb to do math. At Crowder, I was the Editor of the Sentry, and Assistant Editor of the Quill, which are the newspaper and literary arts magazine. But I failed Spanish. So I was a failure. Always the negative. 

I spent my entire life beating myself up. I allowed others to do it too, both physically and verbally. My birth mother didn't want me. I never lived up to the idea of what my parents expected me to be. My brother made sure to remind me that I wasn't really a member of the family. The bully in grade school drove home the point of what an illegitimate child really was. My marriages were abusive. On and on and on. Like I said, some were my choices and others were not. But it made me who I am today. A broken person with low self esteem. 

I have been angry at God many times, wondering why. Why did I come in to the world in such a way. "My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts." Why was life always so hard. "for I know the plans I have for you.... to give you a future and a hope." Every single question comes with a response, from God, thru His word. I look back over my entire life, and I can see the hand of God, working in my life, turning my path here and there. I constantly took the wrong road, made bad decisions, but I can see where He would work things around, detour me to get me back where I needed to be. So I would, when His time was right, make a decision for Him. And even though that was the best decision I ever made, I still struggled. I still allowed myself to be abused, and mistreated. Used. I allowed "friends" in my life that had ulterior motives. It was never an equal friendship. I do for them, for little in return. I am a giver, a doer, I show my love for people by giving and doing. Cooking, giving things, helping. My counselor said I am a people pleaser. Perhaps I am. Another friend told me I am "Nice to a fault." I give and give, until there is nothing left. And if I chose to give to people who just take and take, pretty soon I am left completely empty. I am not saying I shouldn't give, or help, and I shouldn't expect anything in return. But its kinda like throwing pearls before swine. If all they are going to do is trample over me, does God expect me to continue? I am to love my neighbor, but that doesn't mean be his kicking dog. Maybe it means I should love him from afar. I need to be able to love myself. But if I continue to surround myself by people who just hurt me over and over again, I will never find a way to love me for me. 

If I won't fight for myself who will?  If I won't stand up to the ones who make themselves feel better by tearing someone else down, then I continue to be torn down. If I spend all my time trying to earn the love and approval of those incapable of showing it, I am pushing away those who earnestly love me, just the way I am. 

My project for the week is to find scripture that states I have value in God's eyes. And I am to examine my close friendships to see if they build me or hurt me. I am to fight for myself, and if someone tries to put me down, I am either to stand up for myself or walk away, not stand there and take it. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Planned before the foundation of the earth. I may have come here a little differently but I am not a mistake. I am worthy of love, and acceptance and those who only view me as someone to use, or pick on, are going to realize I am not going to be that person. We are to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. But when they do not choose to do the same, I think its time to step back. If they miss me enough to change and be what I need them to be, then I guess we are friends. If not, I guess time will tell. But for now, I just want to stop hurting. Emotionally for sure, as the physical may take more time. So its time to "suck it up Beckie" and be what God created me to be. Strong. Courageous. And an amazing Baconista! 

What am I worth?

I have major issues with self worth. It's something I have struggled with for most of my life. I guess being adopted, I felt like if my own mother didn't want me, I must not be worth anything. There were a lot of issues growing up that led to a deepening of the feelings that I really didn't matter, and my self esteem was not the greatest. I got pregnant in high school, and discovered that the love I had was not unconditional, and that fall from grace had long standing effects. I married the father of my baby, even though he had already started abusing me. I had this fairy tale belief that it would get better, but it got much worse. But, I thought I must have deserved it, because I wasn't worthy of being treated better. My second marriage, while not being physically abusive, was controlling and verbally abusive. My hole got deeper, and so did my depression. 

After I got saved, I realized I had some value, otherwise God would not have given me so many chances. God sent His Son to die for ME! But even so, my self worth was not great. I was so beaten down by life that I still felt worthless. God put so many people in my life to lift me up, to encourage me, to be there as I struggled. Finally I realized that I deserved better than I had, and broke away from the abuse. But after being in it for so long, being away was harder than being in it. I began to self abuse. To constantly put myself down. To "ground" myself from the things that made me happy, because I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. 

And deep down, I was still judging myself by the Birth Mother value system. 

I have had people tell me how amazing I am. How I am smart, and funny, and awesome. and my usual response is "yeah right." Because I don't see myself that way. I write, because its in my blood. People tell me I am a good writer, but all I see is the mistakes I make. I am my own worst enemy. I am hyper critical of myself. Its my major downfall. 

There are times when I feel that life is almost too hard to handle. There are times I have struggled with a depression so deep that I have even had suicidal thoughts. My kids are the only reason I am still breathing. That, and the Holy Spirit that lives within me, that whispers "Keep going Beckie, things will get better." There are some days that it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, and it hurts to think. There are days the headaches get so bad, that I want to just give up. And out of the blue, God sends someone to me, with a message from Him, to give me just enough encouragement to keep going. 

The other night, things were really bad. And a friend told me that she wished I could see myself as others see me, because then I could see my worth, and would know I had value. She told me that she admired me! I have pondered that for a few days. I tell myself, that if I did not have value, I wouldn't have the great friends that I have. If I didn't have value, half the people in town wouldn't know me by name and be glad to see me. If I wasn't important to someone, then my Facebook wouldn't be overflowing with messages, bacon pictures, jokes and supportive comments. I was talking to another friend, and he told me that I needed to realize my worth. That God made me the way I am for a reason. and I needed to figure out how much God thought I was worth. That really stopped me in my tracks. That is the whole basis of it. It doesn't matter what the Egg Donor things about me. It doesn't matter what either husband thought of me. It really doesn't matter what anyone things of me. What matters most is what GOD thinks of me. How much value does He think I have? Obviously a lot. He sent His Son to die for my sins. He called and called, and never gave up on me, while I was being a jerk, and hating on people and pretending to be a Christian while I was living like Satan's little sister. God thinks I am valuable enough to make me the mom of three great kids, and smart enough to use my writing to bring glory to His name, and to His Son. 

I may never have anything here on earth. I may always be on the shady side of broke, I may never live in a fancy house or own a brand new car. I don't even care if I live in a cardboard box on the dirtiest street in heaven, at least I know I will be there. Because God loves me, and finds me worthy. Self worth isn't the key, God worth is. This is an issue I may always struggle with, but I am going to think about it differently now. And I am going to try to see myself as others see me. Because God has given me a purpose, or I wouldn't still be breathing, and Satan wouldn't be nailing me every time I turn around to try and get me off the path. 

What am I worth? In the eyes of my Lord, I am priceless. 

The Road

Everyone has those roads in their life that they wish they never traveled. Those moments of regret, those things that seemed like a great idea at the time, that have done nothing but lead to a lifetime of hurt. There are good things that have come out of these roads, but so many regrets. 

I would say the biggest regret I have is searching for my birth mother. I had this idea in my head. A fairy tale version, where I would find this person who had searched for me my entire life, desperate to find me. We would meet, and she would love me, and hug me and we would live happily ever after, making wonderful memories to make up for those lost. This is not what happened at all. She never wanted me. She never looked for me, in fact, she lived in fear of me searching for her. She didn't even really want to meet me after I did find her. She never accepted me, never loved me, and after we got past the point of trying to form a relationship, she hated me. I was her biggest regret, and the one thing she would do different if she could. My existence was her biggest regret. She wanted an abortion, but they weren't legal in 1968, so she had me, and gave me up. She had thoughts of me on my birthday, she said, she cried a lot, and battled depression. But I think I was a reminder of a time she did not want to remember. She told me of a boy she had dated, that she said was my father. But several years after I found her, I searched for him, found him, and we did a DNA and found that he was not my father. This made her angrier at me, and what of our relationship that still existed, ended, and she truly hated me. I always wondered why, until my sister, her daughter, sent me a notebook of our mother's writing. 

In that notebook, I found an entry, that was pretty much a retelling of her childhood. It was filled with pain, defiance, things I wish I had never read. There was a section that pretty much describes where I came from, explains why she hates me. Why, once it came out that the boy she wanted to be my father wasn't, then it confirmed the events that led to my existence, that I once again became a reminder of a time she regretted. Reading that, made me feel like I had truly been a mistake, like damaged goods. I have always struggled with feelings of unworthiness, with not feeling like I fit in with the family that raised me, but not feeling a part of the family I shared DNA with. I love my sister, and we are alike in so many ways. Our lives have really been parallel in so many ways. I have always been jealous of her, because our mother kept her, and she admitted she was jealous of me, because I got out and had a chance at a normal life. Other than my sister, and finding my Uncle, and meeting my grandfather, I wish I had never found her. The pain that it has caused me, has been very damaging. 

My life was on a very wrong path even before I found her. They say that life is half nature and half nurture. My nurture was lacking and my nature was bad. So I made a LOT of bad decisions in my younger years. and followed a lot of the same paths that she did, even tho I did it unknowingly. I was determined to be different, but found out I was much the same. When I found her and my sister, and saw how differently I was raised, I was glad. My parents weren't avid church goers, but at least I had a basis of belief in God. I thought I was right with God, but didn't realize until a few years ago that I wasn't. Thankfully God had patience with me, and kept waiting on me. Looking back tho, I was more like her than I ever realized. I did not love people, I hated everyone. I was not a good mother, because I really didn't even know how to love my kids. I was mean, and hateful, and grudge carrying, exactly like she is. My only saving grace was that I believed in God where she hated God. She is big in to witchcraft. The first day I spent with her, she took me to meet her shrink and to get my palm and tarot cards read. In my attempt to get her to accept me, I delved in to the things she liked, but it was so different from my raising that I never could accept it. I couldn't get too deep. I am thankful for that. 

After awhile we quit trying to have a relationship, because I couldn't accept the wild life she lived, and she couldn't accept me for who I was. I missed my sister, but life moved on. Several years later I found my sister on Facebook and we started working our way to a relationship. Our mother instructed her to tell me she was dead, and my sister tried, but in the end couldn't lie to me and told me the truth. Our mother became very hateful towards me, and said much to hurt me, until finally we blocked each other so I no longer had to deal with her hatefulness. But deep inside I still wanted her to love me. 

She had told me the name of the boy she said was my father. I searched for and found him. He asked to have a DNA test ran, so that he could confirm I was his before we attempted a relationship, because he had doubts due to the person she was. Well, he was right, and the test showed he was not my father. When she found out, she was so angry with me. She sent me the most hurtful and hateful letter imaginable, and even all these years later, the things she said still hurt, and still affect the person that I am. 

So much of who I am comes from her. So much of what I battle, comes from her. Even the writing, comes from HER. My weird little quirks that people laugh about, and tease me about, but accept because they love me, come from HER. We battle many of the same demons. I want to be nothing like her, but hard as I try, I am more like her than I can even imagine. I make decisions based on her. She is like this, so I won't be. She is a drug addict. I am so scared of becoming addicted to drugs, that I won't even take the medication that I need to for my health, because every time I take a handful of pills, I see her. She is addicted to pain meds, so I refuse any narcotic type pills, and basically suffer through the headaches, with something barely stronger than Tylenol. When I bother to take it. So in trying to NOT be like her, I am damaging my own life, and my body. Somehow I have handed complete control of my life to her, because every decision I make somehow is linked to her. Even tho we never see each other, never speak, she affects every part of my life. When I make parental decisions, its because I don't want to be the type of mother she was. I don't want Katie to follow my path, or her path. I have to take control back, but I am not sure how. 

I know that with God on my side, and the love of Jesus in my heart I can never be 100% like her, but there is still so much struggle there. And deep down inside I still have this deep seeded want for her to love me, to accept me. I am stuck on this road, full of pain, and pot holes and I don't know how to get off of it. I pray about it, I turn it over to God, and somehow, when I least expect it, the scab gets torn off the wound and I am hurting all over again. Everyone tells me I had a great family, and great parents, but there is always more to a story than meets the eye, and sometimes what people see, isn't always the way it is. But I will continue down this road, always searching for the path that veers off. Where I can finally be whole, and happy. I will battle the demons, and the negative thoughts, and will finally, one day, I will be complete. The thing I have realized, it may never happen here on earth. Fixing me may only come when God takes me home.