What am I worth?

I have major issues with self worth. It's something I have struggled with for most of my life. I guess being adopted, I felt like if my own mother didn't want me, I must not be worth anything. There were a lot of issues growing up that led to a deepening of the feelings that I really didn't matter, and my self esteem was not the greatest. I got pregnant in high school, and discovered that the love I had was not unconditional, and that fall from grace had long standing effects. I married the father of my baby, even though he had already started abusing me. I had this fairy tale belief that it would get better, but it got much worse. But, I thought I must have deserved it, because I wasn't worthy of being treated better. My second marriage, while not being physically abusive, was controlling and verbally abusive. My hole got deeper, and so did my depression. 

After I got saved, I realized I had some value, otherwise God would not have given me so many chances. God sent His Son to die for ME! But even so, my self worth was not great. I was so beaten down by life that I still felt worthless. God put so many people in my life to lift me up, to encourage me, to be there as I struggled. Finally I realized that I deserved better than I had, and broke away from the abuse. But after being in it for so long, being away was harder than being in it. I began to self abuse. To constantly put myself down. To "ground" myself from the things that made me happy, because I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. 

And deep down, I was still judging myself by the Birth Mother value system. 

I have had people tell me how amazing I am. How I am smart, and funny, and awesome. and my usual response is "yeah right." Because I don't see myself that way. I write, because its in my blood. People tell me I am a good writer, but all I see is the mistakes I make. I am my own worst enemy. I am hyper critical of myself. Its my major downfall. 

There are times when I feel that life is almost too hard to handle. There are times I have struggled with a depression so deep that I have even had suicidal thoughts. My kids are the only reason I am still breathing. That, and the Holy Spirit that lives within me, that whispers "Keep going Beckie, things will get better." There are some days that it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, and it hurts to think. There are days the headaches get so bad, that I want to just give up. And out of the blue, God sends someone to me, with a message from Him, to give me just enough encouragement to keep going. 

The other night, things were really bad. And a friend told me that she wished I could see myself as others see me, because then I could see my worth, and would know I had value. She told me that she admired me! I have pondered that for a few days. I tell myself, that if I did not have value, I wouldn't have the great friends that I have. If I didn't have value, half the people in town wouldn't know me by name and be glad to see me. If I wasn't important to someone, then my Facebook wouldn't be overflowing with messages, bacon pictures, jokes and supportive comments. I was talking to another friend, and he told me that I needed to realize my worth. That God made me the way I am for a reason. and I needed to figure out how much God thought I was worth. That really stopped me in my tracks. That is the whole basis of it. It doesn't matter what the Egg Donor things about me. It doesn't matter what either husband thought of me. It really doesn't matter what anyone things of me. What matters most is what GOD thinks of me. How much value does He think I have? Obviously a lot. He sent His Son to die for my sins. He called and called, and never gave up on me, while I was being a jerk, and hating on people and pretending to be a Christian while I was living like Satan's little sister. God thinks I am valuable enough to make me the mom of three great kids, and smart enough to use my writing to bring glory to His name, and to His Son. 

I may never have anything here on earth. I may always be on the shady side of broke, I may never live in a fancy house or own a brand new car. I don't even care if I live in a cardboard box on the dirtiest street in heaven, at least I know I will be there. Because God loves me, and finds me worthy. Self worth isn't the key, God worth is. This is an issue I may always struggle with, but I am going to think about it differently now. And I am going to try to see myself as others see me. Because God has given me a purpose, or I wouldn't still be breathing, and Satan wouldn't be nailing me every time I turn around to try and get me off the path. 

What am I worth? In the eyes of my Lord, I am priceless.