I would say the biggest regret I have is searching for my birth mother. I had this idea in my head. A fairy tale version, where I would find this person who had searched for me my entire life, desperate to find me. We would meet, and she would love me, and hug me and we would live happily ever after, making wonderful memories to make up for those lost. This is not what happened at all. She never wanted me. She never looked for me, in fact, she lived in fear of me searching for her. She didn't even really want to meet me after I did find her. She never accepted me, never loved me, and after we got past the point of trying to form a relationship, she hated me. I was her biggest regret, and the one thing she would do different if she could. My existence was her biggest regret. She wanted an abortion, but they weren't legal in 1968, so she had me, and gave me up. She had thoughts of me on my birthday, she said, she cried a lot, and battled depression. But I think I was a reminder of a time she did not want to remember. She told me of a boy she had dated, that she said was my father. But several years after I found her, I searched for him, found him, and we did a DNA and found that he was not my father. This made her angrier at me, and what of our relationship that still existed, ended, and she truly hated me. I always wondered why, until my sister, her daughter, sent me a notebook of our mother's writing.
In that notebook, I found an entry, that was pretty much a retelling of her childhood. It was filled with pain, defiance, things I wish I had never read. There was a section that pretty much describes where I came from, explains why she hates me. Why, once it came out that the boy she wanted to be my father wasn't, then it confirmed the events that led to my existence, that I once again became a reminder of a time she regretted. Reading that, made me feel like I had truly been a mistake, like damaged goods. I have always struggled with feelings of unworthiness, with not feeling like I fit in with the family that raised me, but not feeling a part of the family I shared DNA with. I love my sister, and we are alike in so many ways. Our lives have really been parallel in so many ways. I have always been jealous of her, because our mother kept her, and she admitted she was jealous of me, because I got out and had a chance at a normal life. Other than my sister, and finding my Uncle, and meeting my grandfather, I wish I had never found her. The pain that it has caused me, has been very damaging.
My life was on a very wrong path even before I found her. They say that life is half nature and half nurture. My nurture was lacking and my nature was bad. So I made a LOT of bad decisions in my younger years. and followed a lot of the same paths that she did, even tho I did it unknowingly. I was determined to be different, but found out I was much the same. When I found her and my sister, and saw how differently I was raised, I was glad. My parents weren't avid church goers, but at least I had a basis of belief in God. I thought I was right with God, but didn't realize until a few years ago that I wasn't. Thankfully God had patience with me, and kept waiting on me. Looking back tho, I was more like her than I ever realized. I did not love people, I hated everyone. I was not a good mother, because I really didn't even know how to love my kids. I was mean, and hateful, and grudge carrying, exactly like she is. My only saving grace was that I believed in God where she hated God. She is big in to witchcraft. The first day I spent with her, she took me to meet her shrink and to get my palm and tarot cards read. In my attempt to get her to accept me, I delved in to the things she liked, but it was so different from my raising that I never could accept it. I couldn't get too deep. I am thankful for that.
After awhile we quit trying to have a relationship, because I couldn't accept the wild life she lived, and she couldn't accept me for who I was. I missed my sister, but life moved on. Several years later I found my sister on Facebook and we started working our way to a relationship. Our mother instructed her to tell me she was dead, and my sister tried, but in the end couldn't lie to me and told me the truth. Our mother became very hateful towards me, and said much to hurt me, until finally we blocked each other so I no longer had to deal with her hatefulness. But deep inside I still wanted her to love me.
She had told me the name of the boy she said was my father. I searched for and found him. He asked to have a DNA test ran, so that he could confirm I was his before we attempted a relationship, because he had doubts due to the person she was. Well, he was right, and the test showed he was not my father. When she found out, she was so angry with me. She sent me the most hurtful and hateful letter imaginable, and even all these years later, the things she said still hurt, and still affect the person that I am.
So much of who I am comes from her. So much of what I battle, comes from her. Even the writing, comes from HER. My weird little quirks that people laugh about, and tease me about, but accept because they love me, come from HER. We battle many of the same demons. I want to be nothing like her, but hard as I try, I am more like her than I can even imagine. I make decisions based on her. She is like this, so I won't be. She is a drug addict. I am so scared of becoming addicted to drugs, that I won't even take the medication that I need to for my health, because every time I take a handful of pills, I see her. She is addicted to pain meds, so I refuse any narcotic type pills, and basically suffer through the headaches, with something barely stronger than Tylenol. When I bother to take it. So in trying to NOT be like her, I am damaging my own life, and my body. Somehow I have handed complete control of my life to her, because every decision I make somehow is linked to her. Even tho we never see each other, never speak, she affects every part of my life. When I make parental decisions, its because I don't want to be the type of mother she was. I don't want Katie to follow my path, or her path. I have to take control back, but I am not sure how.
I know that with God on my side, and the love of Jesus in my heart I can never be 100% like her, but there is still so much struggle there. And deep down inside I still have this deep seeded want for her to love me, to accept me. I am stuck on this road, full of pain, and pot holes and I don't know how to get off of it. I pray about it, I turn it over to God, and somehow, when I least expect it, the scab gets torn off the wound and I am hurting all over again. Everyone tells me I had a great family, and great parents, but there is always more to a story than meets the eye, and sometimes what people see, isn't always the way it is. But I will continue down this road, always searching for the path that veers off. Where I can finally be whole, and happy. I will battle the demons, and the negative thoughts, and will finally, one day, I will be complete. The thing I have realized, it may never happen here on earth. Fixing me may only come when God takes me home.
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