Who God created me to be.

Today has been a rough day. Actually its been a rough several days. I have been in a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. The headaches are going on eight months. For awhile they had eased up, but now they are very severe again. A lot of people tell me I don't seem like I am in pain, but when you hurt all the time, after awhile you get used to it, and it becomes part of you. If its not migraine level, or close to it, I normally don't pay much attention to it. I think the same can be said of emotional pain. 

I have lived nearly a lifetime of emotional pain. Some of it I had control over and some I did not. But it has gone on for so long it has gotten to the point that it has just been part of who I am. I guess I figured I deserved to be treated badly, because it had gone on for so long. Because of it, I made bad choices on who I let in my life, and the emotional pain continued. 

If ten people told me I was awesome, and one person told me I was stupid, I believed the one. I was not a great student in school. I made average grades, and I excelled at reading and writing. But I struggled with Math. My 8th grade math teacher struggled so hard to try to teach me that she finally told me that I was too stupid to learn algebra, and to just take general and consumer math in high school. I got through math because I had awesome friends who helped me as much as they could. I got through math in college with massive tutoring. I took College Prep English in high school, and Honors English in College, I got an ACT scholarship, because my super high English score balanced my low Math score, for a 25 over all score. Back then a 25 got you a scholarship to Crowder. But every time I did something successful, all I could think of was I am too dumb to do math. At Crowder, I was the Editor of the Sentry, and Assistant Editor of the Quill, which are the newspaper and literary arts magazine. But I failed Spanish. So I was a failure. Always the negative. 

I spent my entire life beating myself up. I allowed others to do it too, both physically and verbally. My birth mother didn't want me. I never lived up to the idea of what my parents expected me to be. My brother made sure to remind me that I wasn't really a member of the family. The bully in grade school drove home the point of what an illegitimate child really was. My marriages were abusive. On and on and on. Like I said, some were my choices and others were not. But it made me who I am today. A broken person with low self esteem. 

I have been angry at God many times, wondering why. Why did I come in to the world in such a way. "My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts." Why was life always so hard. "for I know the plans I have for you.... to give you a future and a hope." Every single question comes with a response, from God, thru His word. I look back over my entire life, and I can see the hand of God, working in my life, turning my path here and there. I constantly took the wrong road, made bad decisions, but I can see where He would work things around, detour me to get me back where I needed to be. So I would, when His time was right, make a decision for Him. And even though that was the best decision I ever made, I still struggled. I still allowed myself to be abused, and mistreated. Used. I allowed "friends" in my life that had ulterior motives. It was never an equal friendship. I do for them, for little in return. I am a giver, a doer, I show my love for people by giving and doing. Cooking, giving things, helping. My counselor said I am a people pleaser. Perhaps I am. Another friend told me I am "Nice to a fault." I give and give, until there is nothing left. And if I chose to give to people who just take and take, pretty soon I am left completely empty. I am not saying I shouldn't give, or help, and I shouldn't expect anything in return. But its kinda like throwing pearls before swine. If all they are going to do is trample over me, does God expect me to continue? I am to love my neighbor, but that doesn't mean be his kicking dog. Maybe it means I should love him from afar. I need to be able to love myself. But if I continue to surround myself by people who just hurt me over and over again, I will never find a way to love me for me. 

If I won't fight for myself who will?  If I won't stand up to the ones who make themselves feel better by tearing someone else down, then I continue to be torn down. If I spend all my time trying to earn the love and approval of those incapable of showing it, I am pushing away those who earnestly love me, just the way I am. 

My project for the week is to find scripture that states I have value in God's eyes. And I am to examine my close friendships to see if they build me or hurt me. I am to fight for myself, and if someone tries to put me down, I am either to stand up for myself or walk away, not stand there and take it. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Planned before the foundation of the earth. I may have come here a little differently but I am not a mistake. I am worthy of love, and acceptance and those who only view me as someone to use, or pick on, are going to realize I am not going to be that person. We are to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. But when they do not choose to do the same, I think its time to step back. If they miss me enough to change and be what I need them to be, then I guess we are friends. If not, I guess time will tell. But for now, I just want to stop hurting. Emotionally for sure, as the physical may take more time. So its time to "suck it up Beckie" and be what God created me to be. Strong. Courageous. And an amazing Baconista!