Depression is one of those tricky little things that creeps up on you when you least expect it. You can be doing really well, things are starting to look up, and then all of a sudden you realize that you are back-pedaling. That the darkness is overtaking you again, and you are starting to isolate. I love to be at church, I love my church family, but when the darkness starts to take over, I have to force myself to go to church. I can sit there, and wish I was anywhere else. I can feel completely and totally alone in a crowded room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to laugh, or sing, or smile. I try to fake it, to pretend I am okay when really, I am not.
Depression is like a buzzard circling in the sky over you, swirling closer and closer. I watch out in the fields and watch the eagles, the hawks, and the other scavengers circling over the top of a dead animal, and at times that sight just fascinates me, wondering what they are waiting for, why they just circle and circle, instead of just going down and landing. Then I realize that they are studying the situation. Depression is much the same way. Its always there on the edge, circling and waiting. Sleep becomes a struggle again, either you want to sleep too much, or you cannot sleep at all. Things that used to make you happy don't all of a sudden. People you normally talk to non stop, you find your self avoiding, so that they don't see that you are losing the battle again. Because it makes you feel like a failure. You start to isolate. Spending more and more time by yourself. You quit wanting to go places, you stop singing to the radio in the car. You keep your head down. Don't look anyone in the eyes. So they don't see the pain there. And the buzzards get closer.
You either start eating too much, or don't eat enough. You can look at food, and know you need to eat, and nothing tastes good. Or else you go on a mindless eating spree, trying to find happiness in the bottom of a potato chip bag. Or, for some people, you try drinking your troubles away, or taking pills, or self abusing. I am fortunate that I have not taken those roads. The roads I do take are troublesome enough. Words used on me in the past echo in my ears. They are like darts that pierce my heart, my mind and my whole being and make me feel worthless. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours. I cry. I fight the demons that tell me that I will never be good enough, that I am wasting my time trying, that I should stop fighting. That I should just let the darkness overtake me. And the buzzards get closer.
Sometimes they are so close I can feel their wings brush against me. Sometimes I can feel their claws in my back as they try to latch on to me, to drag me further down. I can feel their shadow over me, drawing closer, and its hard to breathe. Its impossible to think, the weight becomes almost unbearable. But a part of me keeps fighting. I reach out to people and ask them to pray, because when I get that low, I cannot even find the words to pray. I hide it well, I can carry on a conversation, I can pretend to be happy, I can even laugh, all the while I feel like I am drowning. Like I am dying inside. And at times I want to. But God lives inside of me, and He tells me that I am better than this. That I have to keep fighting the demons that are trying to keep me from feeling God's love. The Bible says that satan is like a prowling lion, seeking who he can devour. I think he is also like a soaring buzzard. Because I know depression is not of God, but it is something satan uses to keep us from being what God wants us to be. To keep us from knowing God's love, to keep us down, instead of letting us live happily. I notice that when I do great things for God, or I am getting ready to, that the depression hits. It sidelines me for awhile, until I battle my way back out of the murkiness.
Depression is something I may struggle with the rest of my time here on earth. I have battled it for a lot of years. Sometimes I win, sometimes it wins. but I think the key is that I never give up. I have to keep praying, keep my friends praying for me, keep fighting, and keep helping those around me that I see are struggling with the same situations. I can see that sadness in other people. I can sense their pain, and can almost see the demons that they, themselves are struggling with. I want so badly to help them, but I don't know how, when I can barely keep my own head above water. But I still reach out, I share my story with them, I share my struggles so they know they aren't in this alone. That someone understands just what they are going through. Because depression's power is in the isolation, in making you feel that no one understands. And if I can help someone else loosen its hold against them, then maybe it will break its hold on me as well. Depression makes you feel hopeless and empty. Like a freezer with no bacon in it. My freezer has a lot of bacon in it and therefore my life has hope and meaning. I know that probably doesn't make sense but in my little world it does. Bacon=happiness. So I keep struggling, keep fighting, keep praying and keep eating bacon, and sooner or later, (hopefully sooner) the depression will lift again, the buzzards will fly away, and I will be able to breathe, and laugh and life will be happy once again. But I know, its always there, circling and waiting.
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