Changing the definition of MY LIFE

There comes a time when we have to decide how much of someone else's baggage we are going to continue to carry around. Even worse, how much longer we are going to let the lives of others define us, and make us who we are. I have just that issue. I let the mistakes of others affect my own life to the point that I am no longer ME but an extension of them. My entire life I have never really been "Beckie". I have been Albert's daughter, Helen's daughter, Ethan and Nathan's sister. Then I became John's mom. Later when I remarried I became John's wife, Joey's mom, Katie's mom. But not Beckie. I let the decisions, and yes the MISTAKES of those in my life become my choices. 

I have had real issues with my birth mother, and the fact that I do not want to be like her. To the point that if I realized I had something in common with her, I would quit doing it. Its almost like spite, but it holds me back in so many ways. She likes medication. In fact, she LOVES medication. So I take my fear of her addictions, and sabotage my own life. I get to where I don't want to take the medication the doctor has prescribed to fix my health situation, because every time I take a hand full of pills, I see her face. So I quit taking my medication. Or skip doses as a way to prove to myself that I don't really have to take it. That I am not like her. And hurt myself in the process. Sometimes its minor things that people think would be petty and crazy and they probably are. Her favorite snack is Nutella. So I refuse to eat it, because that would make me like her. I have followed her path in so many ways, even before I found her. She got pregnant young, and so did I. She writes, and so do I. Several of my quirks I got from her. But some are so ingrained that I cannot step back from them, so I choose the ones I can deal with. 

I have habits that people look at me and shake their head. I cannot handle my food touching. I have this long drawn out theory of what foods are allowed to touch and go together based on "rules" of food.  I have struggles with eating two different colors of M&M's at the same time. I used to pour my candy out and sort it according to colors, and eat it, in the order of the way they fall on the rainbow. These are things I am working on getting under control, getting past. Because these are things I got from her. But my entire life I have lived by the theory that "I don't want to be like her", but the problem with this is, I am letting her control my life, even though she isn't in it, because she is the basis of my decisions.

I recently left a very controlling and verbally abusive marriage. I decided to myself that I was no longer going to let him have control over me any more. But even though he is gone, he still has control. Every decision I make is based on things he has said, done, or thought, over the extent of our marriage. I have gotten in to a deep depression because its a struggle to break the pattern of life. Every day, the minute I got home from work, I was to go to the kitchen and start cooking. So now I rarely cook, because I don't have to. Its a rebellion, but its hurting me and my family, because we go our own ways, and eat separately, instead of having a family meal. My house is still his house, because he rules it silently, from a distance. Every decision I make is based on something in my head that I have heard him say. So I either follow the decisions he had laid down over the years, or I act in rebellion and do the opposite. But he still has control. I have to figure out how to take the control back, and make my decision be my decisions. But after so many years of being beat down emotionally, its hard. 

I am a list maker. I am one of those "to do list" freaks. When I cook Thanksgiving dinner, I make a menu, so I can check things off as I fix them. At work I have a list I keep written down, so I can check things off as I get them done. My friend made me make a To Do list of life. To list several short term goals to take control of my life back, and to get back on the right path. And she gave me a deadline. Some jobs are super simple, and some are going to be harder. Harder as in physically, and some are harder emotionally. Some are going to be like ripping a scab off of a wound, but it has to be that way in order to heal. Today that list is tucked away in my purse, like the shopping list I never can find when I get to the store. But I am going to rewrite it, and hang it on my wall. Because walking past and seeing those things not checked off will bother me, and I will have to take steps to getting the things accomplished. 

The people in my life and in my past only define me to the point that I allow it. And its time to stop allowing it. That is the only way I will truly take control of my life back. My life and my decisions should only be defined by my relationship with GOD, and by what will make me happy. I am not my mother, and I am no longer anyone's wife. Maybe on paper, but not in the ways that count. So today I am putting my foot down, and taking that first step in the direction of taking control back. I am not saying there won't be days of regression, and lots of tears. But I have friends in my life that are not going to see me fail. Today truly is "the first day of the rest of my life." And my checklist may end up very big, but I am going to work on my To Do list of life, until I get the life I want, and the life I DESERVE!