Have you ever been tired? I mean so tired that you just can't move? Last winter I went through a bout of insomnia where I was sleeping 2 hours a night, if that much, and I got so tired, that I fell asleep at church, in a crowded noisy room, standing up, leaning against a wall. Just for a moment, before someone touched me to see if I was okay. But I was that tired. Now I am in a phase where I want to sleep all the time. I go to work, come home and go to bed and sleep. Some nights I sleep ten hours or more. And wake up exhausted. I know that while my body may be asleep, my mind is on overdrive. I toss and turn and wake up with my blankets on the floor, my pillows may be down by my feet. Its like I am battling something all night long. And I wake up feeling like I haven't been to sleep at all.
I am so tired. I am tired of living in a world so full of sin that it seems normal. I am tired of people who act like they are my friend but talk behind my back. I am tired of people who think that I am incapable of managing without their constant "advice". I am tired of being made to feel small, of being made fun of because of my faith, of being hurt, and abused, and neglected. I am tired of working as hard as God has called me to work, and seeing the pew sitters complain about things that haven't been done. I am just tired. And because I am tired, I am complaining.
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and telling him what all had been going on, since it had been awhile since we had seen each other. I told him that I was deep in a valley, and that I knew that I had to spend time in the valley to grow, but that I was so weary of it all. He said that we all think that because we are Christians that we are supposed to be on the mountain all the time. He said that these "feel good preachers" (insert names here) give us this false reasoning that following God means that life is going to be a piece of cake, but that if we are truly followers of Christ then we are going to have it hard. Christ suffered, He was mistreated His entire ministry, so how can we as followers of Him, expect to be treated any differently. He was tempted by Satan for 40 days, so how can we expect Satan to leave us alone if we are doing God's work? The best advice he gave me was to keep my head up. Look up towards God, keep my head held high, because I am living my life in a fallen world and trying to do what's right, and even though the valley seems endless, not to do anything crazy. Let the haters be haters. Let the pew sitters sit, because their rewards,(and the lack there of) will follow them. It really made me think and it made me feel good. I should feel blessed to be attacked by Satan because it means he is not liking what I am doing. If the haters are hating, it means that I am making them think, and they have to knock me down to try to get me to stop.
Another friend told me recently that I need to remember that I am a child of God and that I need to remember to praise Him in the storms. Sometimes that is so hard. Especially when I am in a storm and see so many people sunning on the beach of their life. Sometimes God calls me to do things, and I hesitate, and wonder what the repercussions are going to be. I shouldn't be that way, because Jesus never hesitated to wonder if He was going to be stoned, He dove right in and did what He was sent to do.
I am looking at these headaches I am going through as one of two things. Either God has brought them upon me, because it has greatly slowed me down, I pray more, think more. I have soul searched, and made changes in my life that were needed. I have started writing again. I do what He calls me to do the first time He calls, rather than pulling a Jonah and running from Him. I love more, and I show that love more. I take nothing for granted. The other thought is that Satan is behind them, trying to keep me down, so that I don't feel like going to church, reading my Bible or praising God. I will admit, sometimes it gets hard. I have had to walk out of the sanctuary at church when the singing has gotten too loud. I have walked away from fellowship because the noise level was too high. I have skipped devotion times because my head was hurting and I could not concentrate.But I have never let my love for God diminish.
I know this is different than a lot of my blogs here lately have been, but these are the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head this morning. Over and over, so I decided they needed to be shared because someone obviously needs to hear them.
I have decided to find the joy in this valley, to look for the positive even if it feel like it does not exist..... and I have decided to fix bacon for breakfast and I might just eat the whole package. Because bacon is the Prozac of the food world, and its been a really rough week......
No comments:
Post a Comment