Sometimes I get really disappointed. I get disappointed when I want something really badly and I don't get it. I get disappointed when someone that I thought was my friend, walks away from our friendship without a backward glance. I get disappointed when I look in the grocery ad and bacon isn't on sale. There are levels of disappointment, and I have given examples of three of them. I couldn't really even name something I wanted that I didn't get, because wants, needs and desires are so fleeting, "Man, I really want that car." whoops, someone else bought it. And the feeling lasts until the next thing catches your eye. The second example is one of the most painful kind, when you face the loss of a relationship that you had felt was the forever kind. When your best friend decides they don't want to be part of your life anymore. When someone who professes to love you, changes their mind. This disappointment leaves a much deeper hole in your heart. It's painful, and sometimes hard to get past. The third example, the thought of paying full price for bacon, while tragic, is nothing really. Just a daily disappointment.
I myself have been a disappointment. I was a disappointment to my mom when I refused to wear dresses and play with dolls, choosing instead to play with trucks and dig in the dirt. I was a disappointment when my grades did not match my ability. And I was a disappointment when I got pregnant my senior year of high school. Disappointing my parents always bothered me, because I hated seeing that look in their eye that mean that I had not lived up to their expectations. At times I still try to live up to expectations that are impossible to meet. I try to be the perfect daughter, to make up for the mistakes made in my younger years. But nothing can make up for them, for they are in the past. Yes I got pregnant too young, unmarried, but I never considered my son to be a mistake, and for almost 27 years he has been a great joy in my life. I too have been disappointed in my parents. When they didn't get me the Michael Jackson Thriller album for Christmas, when I was forced in to a dress for school pictures, when they grounded me for something I didn't do. I would be disappointed when they weren't cool like the parents of my classmates. But I realized later that those things are nothing. None of those events were life altering. Even though maybe they felt like it at the time.
I know I disappoint my kids. When I don't feel like cooking supper and they have to eat microwave burritos.... again. When I don't let them hang out with their friends. When I cannot afford something they really want. But again, those things are fleeting. In ten years they won't remember those things. I am sure I disappoint my friends, when I fall back in to bad habits that they helped me kick, when I start thinking negatively, when I struggle with the same things over and over again, instead of walking away from it. Lot's wife and I have a lot in common. I spend a lot of time looking back, instead of concentrating on what is ahead.
But really, the biggest fear I have these days is disappointing God. The times He calls me to do things and I refuse. The times I fail and falter over and over. The times I lack faith in the simple promises He has made to His children. I imagine Him sitting there in heaven, sighing deeply and shaking His head. "Oh Beckie, " He must say. "Why do you go down this road again? If you would just listen to Me, life would be so much easier." I know He loves me unconditionally, and would never leave me, but I know that I make Him sigh A LOT! And it grieves me to know that I have done things to make Him sad. I want Him to view me like He did Job. "Sooooo, have you seen My servant Beckie, she is amazing, I am so PROUD of her." I know there are times I made Him proud. When I turned from my ways and accepted His Son as my Savior. When I did the things I was called to do without running from it. When I use my writing talent to bring glory to His name. But even among those times, I know He is still sighing. Because I struggle so much. I listen to Satan's lies and let them get me down. I look away, and go down a wrong path again, until it gets to where I can no longer hear His voice. When once again I have to cry out for Him to bring me back to the fold. And He is always right there, waiting on me to come back.
Life is short, and its full of disappointments. No one is perfect and there is no way we can ever hope to reach the expectations that people put on us. So if there is anyone that I have disappointed, I apologize. For the ones who have disappointed me, I forgive you. And I strive each day to NOT disappoint God, the only One who matters. Because I want, more than anything. for Him not to look down at me and sigh, but to smile and say, "yeah Beckie, atta girl!"
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