Person: Hey Beckie, how are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine, great, pretty good (insert your favorite adjective here)
Person: thats great!
Me to myself: they bought it....
I go to church because I have to. I am not made to, but there is something inside me that says I have to be in church. I have to praise God, sing songs, hear prayers being spoken. I need to hear the prayer requests, know that others have problems worse than mine, but also to hear the praises, that God hears and answers those prayers. I need to be around Christians, to feel the love, get the hugs, the teasing, the smiles. I need the sermon, whether it steps on my toes, or uplifts me and shows me I am on the right path. I need that prayer time at the altar, when I can unload my burden and leave it with God. I need to laugh, I need to cry. But I still lie.
I am in a valley. A deep ravine of emotional and spiritual agony. I am not sure why I am here. I know that many valleys are here to increase our faith, or because we have a lesson we need to learn. I wish I would learn faster. I am depressed. I have read a lot about different people in the Bible who suffered from depression. They tore their clothes and sat in ashes. Job was depressed. He lost all he had, was afflicted with sores. He questioned God, but never cursed Him. King David struggled a lot with depression, many of the Psalm's he wrote were crying out to God in his sadness. Abraham, Jonah, Jeremiah, King Saul, Elijah, all struggled with times that they were deeply sad, and depressed. People think that Christians should not have depression, but there are several examples of GODLY men who did. So why do we think we are above it? I am not comparing my struggles with Job. I have not lost all that I have. Job was tested by Satan to see if he would stay true to God if he were afflicted and if he lost all that he had. He succeeded in the test. God had great faith in Job that he would stand true to Him regardless. I wonder if He has such faith in me.
I don't curse God, and rail at Him as to why I spend so much time in the valley. I guess I question Him a lot. It seems unfair that I struggle so much and others seem to have it so together. Maybe they are better at hiding it than I am. I go to church and lie because I don't figure most of them care to hear about my struggles. I put on my church face, and play the happy Christian. Christians are supposed to be happy all the time, cause we have God and no problems. But what most people do not understand is we also have Satan battling us all the time, especially if we are working for God, and not just warming a pew. Satan is like a lion, pacing around looking for someone to devour. He looks for the weak, to try to draw them away from God. I am weak, so I draw the strength from my church family to make me strong. My friends have started to call me on my lies. When I don't make eye contact when I say I am fine, they bend down and look me in the eyes and say, "are you lying to me? Are you really okay?" I hate it when they do that, but love it at the same time. It shows me that they do care about me, but it makes me feel bad for faking it. There are times when I am truly fine, and I mean it when I say it. When I am on the road out of the valley, headed to the mountain top. When laughing comes easy, when I dash around the church from one location to another. But there are times I want to sneak in the side door, make it to my seat without talking to anyone. But still I go to church, because I know that if I don't, then I am even weaker, and become an easy target for Satan.
So the question is this. Do I go to church and be truthful and tell them that I am NOT fine? Do I look for a word to use to be more vague so as not to tell too much but not to lie? How do I know who really cares and who is just being polite in passing? I went through a spell when I wasn't sleeping. I got maybe 2-4 hours of sleep a night, for weeks. So I started just telling people I was tired. Not fine, or unfine, just tired. But I want to be fine, I want to be happy. I want to experience life on the mountain top. I have grown weary of the valley. Of the lessons to be learned there. But I have learned to recognize the others who are in their own valleys. I have learned to recognize the other liars at church. The ones who hide behind fake smiles and are crying inside. I have learned that sometimes those whose lives seem the most blessed are also the most empty. I don't think I could learn these lessons on the mountain top. God must have a lot of faith in me to spend so much time on me. He works in my life constantly. Even at my most alone, I know He is with me. So maybe when people ask how I am, I should say. "I am not fine, but I am going to be." Because things could always be worse, but with God in my corner, they are never hopeless.
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