"You are so stupid."..... "You can't do anything right.".... "I have never seen a screw up bigger than you.".... I hear these things being said to me all the time. These, and much, much worse. I don't do anything right these days. I pay the bills late, I burn supper, I forget to buy bread, even though I work in a grocery store. Words such as these are verbal abuse. It's hard to believe that I would put up with someone talking to me that way, but I do. Daily. I am a victim of verbal abuse. I lived for many years in a marriage where I was verbally abused. Made to feel less than. But I am out of that now, and on my own. But I am still abused. Every mistake is magnified, and I am belittled, raked over the coals for the most minor transgression. Punished for every small misdeed. How can this be? But I face my abuser every single day..... when I look in the mirror.
When I heard the term "self abuser" I always thought about people that cut themselves, or otherwise caused physical damage to their body. I never thought about using words or thoughts to abuse yourself. But this is even more damaging I think than the other. Because I was verbally abused for so many years, it became a part of my life. Every action had a reaction. If I was running late from work, my mind would race about what would happen when I got home. Not physical abuse, but accusations, questions, made to feel guilty when I had done nothing wrong. Time limitations. Constant calls to see where I was, who I was with. It got to where I would dodge people in the stores because I didn't have time to talk to them, without getting in trouble. If I wanted to do something that wasn't approved of, then I was discouraged, or told no. I couldn't do this, because I hadn't done that.
After I got away from that lifestyle I thought things would be so much better, and in many ways they were. I found I was very capable of doing things I never had done before. I fixed my own truck, I changed the fuses in the breaker box when one blew. I thawed my own frozen water pipes. I bought a lawn mower. Each thing was a victory, and I was so proud of myself for each accomplishment. But I struggled in many ways too. All of a sudden I sank in to a depression. Each day was a struggle. I would go to work, go home, walk in the back door, kick my shoes off and slide in to bed. There would be days I never went in to the kitchen. My kids would have already eaten by the time I got home and I would eat crackers or whatever snack I had in my room. I was an avid reader, and I haven't read a book in 10 months, maybe longer. It's not that I don't have the time, but I just don't.
When I started counseling the first thing she asked me was how I felt about myself. My first thought out was " I am a screw up." The day before I had my internet disconnected for not paying my bill. Not because I didn't have the money, but because I forgot to pay it. Time got away from me and I didn't realize what the date was. I was so angry with myself over this. How could I be so lazy, all it takes is a phone call. I need a keeper. How am I going to live life on my own if I can't manage to pay my bills on time. The counselor said I needed to cut myself some slack. That I had gotten out of the abusive relationship but, because I was so used to being abused..... that I had begun to abuse myself. And looking over the past year, I have done just that. If I messed up, I would chew myself out until I would cry about it. If I made a mistake at work, I never had to worry about what my boss would say because I had already made myself feel so bad, that nothing he could say would make me feel worse. If I discovered I had mispriced a few cans, I would tell myself, "you are the most stupid person in the world, Beckie, how long have you done this job?" and so on, and so on. And then I would start punishing myself.
There are just a few things in life that I love to do. I love to read, I love to garden, I love to write and I love to bake. So every time I would think about reading a book, and I have a tall stack of "to read" books, I would tell myself, "you haven't done the dishes, you don't have time to read." "You don't need to read that, you have other things you need to spend that time doing." I had heard those things for years, but now that it was my choice to do what I wanted, I was still limiting myself, and punishing myself for what I wasn't doing. I have several flower beds, and I love tinkering in them. but mid summer I let them go, let the weeds take over and rarely even went out to smell the flowers. Why? Because my yard wasn't mowed, or my floor wasn't swept. If I don't have time to get the work done, I don't have time to do the pleasurable things. I had quit writing years ago because it was belittled, unimportant. Or my words were taken out of context and used against me. Journals were not private, I couldn't jot down thoughts or emotions and have them be private. So I quit writing and started to internalize everything. I would still bake, but only because that fostered the other insecurity in my mind, that people at church only liked me because I baked stuff for them.
I have recently started isolating myself again. Not really going places or doing things. If something fun comes along I do my best not to go. Sometimes my friends drag me, and I have fun. But I always tell myself I don't deserve to go, because I have so much work that is undone. I am lazy, unmotivated, worthless. One thing my counselor said that really made me think. She asked me what my friends say about me. I told her that they say I am awesome, amazing, funny, smart. She asked me if my friends were good people. Yes. Do they lie? No...... Then I should believe them. If they tell me I am a great person, then I am a great person. Think about the people who put me down. Are they good people? Do they lie? Then why do I believe their words over the words of good people who don't lie? If I was truly that bad of a person I would have no friends. My friends would not be encouraging me to do things. they wouldn't be showing up at my house to drag me places. My phone would not be blowing up with texts seeing how I am. My Facebook page would not be covered with inspirational sayings and pictures of bacon wrapped turkeys and hot dogs. My friends love me, they think I am amazing. So maybe I need to take a long look at that person in the mirror that is always calling me names, and putting me down, and tell her to shut up! STOP! Enough is enough. Abuse is a cycle. And its time I break that cycle. I don't talk to my kids the way I talk to myself. I don't talk to my friends the way I talk to myself. So why must I treat myself as less than the way I treat others? The saying that I am my own worst enemy is very true. I left an abusive relationship, only to become abusive myself. I have to learn to love myself, to see my own awesomeness, to reward my accomplishments and cut myself some slack on my screw ups. I need to make myself read, even just a chapter a day, until I get past that self imposed grounding from the things I enjoy. I need to choose a warmer day and clean out the flower beds for next spring. I need to relax, and remind myself that God sent His Son to die for me! That He loved me enough to plan a life for me. He loves me no matter how much I screw up, and regardless of whether my dishes are done, or my lawn is mowed. My friends don't care if my truck needs washed, or if I baked some awesome dessert, or walk in empty handed. I am an amazing child of God, and I need to quit treating myself so bad.
My son and I started a new habit. Every time we put ourselves down we have to counter it with something positive about ourselves. If I get caught telling myself I am stupid, I have to then complement myself to make up for it. Combat negative with positive. It helps. I notice that my thoughts about myself are starting to improve. I still struggle with self abuse but I think admitting the problem is the first step in fixing it. I have a ton of friends, so I have to be a good person. God made me, and He doesn't make mistakes. I am starting to like myself, so I know that I am on the way to loving myself and you don't abuse the ones you love. You treat them well.... and feed them bacon.
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