Have you ever had one of those days when it hurts to think? When you want nothing more than to just stay in your pajamas and eat ice cream out of the carton, and watch sad movies so you feel justified for crying? Its been one of those days.... Heck, its been one of those months. I battle depression, and right now, it feels like it is kicking my butt.
I guess I have always struggled with the blues, melancholy, down in the dumps or what ever term people use when they don't want to use the Big D word. I remember when my oldest son was small, I hated winter time. Still do. But I would stand at the window and just cry. Not sobbing, just tears running down my face. To me, wintertime is like death. There are no leaves, no grass, no flowers, no color. It is darker longer, and cold. I know deep inside that God created all the seasons and winter time is simply a time for rest for all things. But it still feels dead to me. My son used to color flowers, green trees, big yellow suns with smiley faces. He would cut these out and tape them all over the windows. He figured out that when I would look out the window I would see color, even if it was simply ON the windows. I never told him to do this, and I don't even know where he got the idea. But at 4 years old, he was helping me combat depression. The doctors have a name for this. They call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Winter blues. Several people I know have this. Winter is a real struggle for them as well. But I also know lots of people who don't understand it. I have been told to "snap out of it", "pray more", that I obviously am not right with God or I wouldn't be feeling this way. "Christian's aren't supposed to be depressed." I pray a lot. Daily, weekly, every Sunday at the altar, begging God to take these feelings from me.
When my dad died I fell in to a deep depression. I cried all the time. Oh, I went to work every day, never missed. But I cried all the way there, and all the way home. I didn't eat. I lost weight. I ended up on two antidepressants and spend five years in an emotionless state. You couldn't have paid me to cry. I was isolated, in a controlling environment and had zero friends. After awhile, I hit rock bottom and moved to town. I got off the medication. I got closer to my family, and made friends. Ended up getting back in church, got saved. Life was great! I was working for God. But then the depression hit again. How could that be? Life was supposed to be good. "Too blessed to be depressed". But I am. Blessed. And depressed.
Have you ever taken one of those questionnaires that ask about the life changes you have gone through? My life has taken a total turn around in the past year. I have had my marriage end, I have lost a loved one, I have a family member with a serious illness, I have dealt with cancer scares of siblings, my son graduated, my other son got married and he and his wife had a baby. I have traveled for the first time in 20 years. Twice to Nebraska, once alone by bus. And I spent a crazy weekend alone in Chicago fulfilling a life dream. I have learned to be independent, I have made new friends, and lost new and old friends. I have stood in front of my church and told my testimony. I have had the walls around my heart torn down, and at times feel emotionally naked.
I have learned to put on an act. I can laugh, and tell jokes, and act as though nothing is wrong. Many people look at me and think that nothing is going on at all. But there are the ones who have gotten close enough to me that they can look in my eyes, and see the pain in my heart. The ones who have decided that they love me enough to dive in to the mess that is Beckie, and try to pull me out of the muck of depression. The ones who decide not to walk away, thinking I am too much trouble, and they are in for the long haul. Those people are few and far between. A lot of people tell me, "I am here for you, I won't ever leave you", until I have a major down time. And they get tired of the tears, the pain, the sadness, and cut their losses and walk away. The ones who understand the most are the ones who have battled depression themselves. They understand the demons that I battle. For they have battled their own.
When Robin Williams committed suicide people were in shock. He seemed to have it so together. He had it all. But he battled demons that none of us knew about. He covered it up with jokes, and made us laugh, but deep inside he was tormented. I won't lie and say I have never been suicidal. I have struggled with those thoughts as well. I know that is not a route I would ever take, but I have been at that intersection many times. I had a nephew that took his own life a few years ago. I remember the agony his family went through. I held several family members while they cried. I would never put my own family through that torment. But those thoughts still visit from time to time. And I fight them.
Battling depression is just that, its a BATTLE. You fight every second of the day. I know much of it is Satan. I am doing mighty things for God, and Satan wants to bring me down to keep me from working for God, and at times he gets me down, and I have to struggle to get back up. But I keep fighting, I keep making my way back to my feet. And then the feeling lifts. I can smile freely, I laugh and mean it, I am happy. But then it comes again. And I pray. Asking, begging for deliverance from these feelings. I soul search for things that I might have standing between me and God. I sing praise songs, I read Psalm's and all kinds of scriptures. I start to isolate myself. I don't want to be around people. My friends notice and force me to get out. I work in the public so I am around people, but I can be in a room full of people and feel totally alone. I can isolate myself in a crowd. I rarely answer the phone. I dodge people in the aisles at the store so I don't have to talk to them. Because I don't want to pretend that things are great. But I also don't want them to see that things are not. I am back on medication for depression. Somewhere I swore I never would be. But I don't consider it a permanent situation, just until I get my life in a balance. And even when I have been at my lowest, I know that God has never left my side. There is a reason I am going through this. God has allowed this depression for some greater good further down the line. I will praise Him in this storm. I know I am in the valley now, but the mountain is just around the bend. I have depression, but depression does not have me, because I am a fighter. And "greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. " and besides. I have a freezer full of bacon and a ton of new recipes to try. I found a recipe for bacon jam. I am really wondering how that one would taste.....
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