Have you ever made a mistake? I am not talking about a small mistake, but a HUGE one. One that totally changes your life, and not for the better. The kind of mistake that you just can't seem to get over? The kind that haunts you. No matter how much you ask for forgiveness, its still there. You pray and pray for God to forgive you, and you know He has, but then a few days later, its back again, that feeling of regret. And you ask for forgiveness again. And again. And again. And God is right there, and He is saying to you, " My Child, I have forgiven you and forgotten this, as far as the east is from the west. " So you realize two things. First of all, that Satan is the one that keeps bringing those mistakes up, rubbing your face in them, trying to make you feel unworthy. And second of all, the unforgiveness that you feel, is within yourself. As a reformed grudge holder, I have realized that the hardest person to forgive.... is myself.
I used to hold many grudges. Anyone that has heard my testimony has heard about my list. I kept a written list of people that I hated. I referred to it as "The Top Ten People I Would Kill if I Became a Serial Killer". And it was always full. The names changed once in awhile as I found someone to hate more than someone else, but I never forgave anyone, they were just moved farther down the list. No longer top ten. When God started working in my life the first area He worked on was my unforgiveness. How could I ever ask God to forgive my sins and save me, if I didn't know what forgiveness was? It took several months for most of the list to disappear. Most of the people were no longer in my life anyway, so it was not a hard thing to do. Then as we got to the top of the list, it was harder. One grudge I had held on to for over 30 years! But after awhile, God kept plugging away at me, and I forgave this person. But it wasn't enough for me to say to God, that I forgave that person, He then led me to tell that person that I forgave him. I was afraid that he would laugh at me, or make fun of me, But anyone that has ever argued with God knows that He will not give you peace until you submit, so after awhile I wrote him a message telling him that I forgave him, and why. Well, he messaged me back and oddly enough, not only did he not even know I was angry, he didn't even remember doing what made me mad in the first place! I had wasted 30 years of my life hating someone for something they didn't even remember doing. Its like that old saying "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting on the other person to die." But he did apologize for the incident that he didn't remember and thanked me for forgiving him. It ended up cleansing us both. We are now good friends, and the years of hatred are something I can laugh about. In kind of a sad and pathetic way.
The top two people took a little longer. Though the wounds were not as old as the other, they were much deeper. One was an abusive relationship, and one was my birth mother who rejected me. God showed me that while the abusive relationship was bad, some good came out of it, and that I could never heal inside as long as I carried on with that anger. It was like having a cut, and tearing the scab off day after day, and making it bleed, instead of letting it heal. Finally I gave in to that one, and forgiveness came. The next time I ran in to the person in town I walked up and spoke to him. We had not spoken in almost 20 years. He was shocked, but it worked, God did not push me to tell this person I forgave him, but just to let bygones be bygones. The proof that I had forgiven him, was when he had a health situation come up and I was able to pray for him. And NOT the prayer of earlier years: "God, just please let something bad happen to him, make him suffer.... and die...." Yes, I actually prayed that way, years ago. It breaks my heart to think that I prayed to God expecting Him to do that. It makes me deeply ashamed. And so very thankful that God is forgiving of our ignorance.
The final act of forgiveness is more recent. God finally got it through my thick head that my birth mother rejected me because it was never His will for her to raise me. I was brought here, through different means than most people, to be put exactly where God needed me to be. I am living the life that God intended me to live. I have never managed to follow the right path, and He has had to map thousands of detours to get me back on the path that He had set up for me to go. But now I realize that I have to be in His will, and listen to His voice, so that I can be on the right path.
But back to the original topic. (yeah, sometimes I like to take the LONG way around the barn. Why is it so hard to forgive yourself for your mistakes? Is it because we expect more of ourselves? Do we hold ourselves to higher standards? Or is it that Satan won't give us enough peace to forgive ourselves? Does he send his little demons to whisper in our ears over and over, reminding us of our mistakes, so that we always have to feel bad. I know others who have made terrible mistakes and they have been able to forgive themselves, and find peace within their lives. Its something I struggle with, but I pray that as I grow stronger in Christ, that I will find the answer, and be able to lay these things to rest once and for all. Because if God has forgiven us, then who are we to not forgive ourselves?
I had a complaint from a friend that this was supposed to be a blog about my faith, my walk with God, and bacon. And she had yet to see a single recipe. So, here is my recipe for cheesy chicken, bacon mac and cheese. Its my new favorite food.
Cheesy chicken Bacon mac and cheese
1# of noodles, cooked and drained. (I like penne, or rotini)
2 cups cooked and diced chicken
1# bacon fried, cooled and broken up
1 stick of butter
1/3 cup of flour
4 cups of milk
3 cups shredded cheese (I like mild cheddar or cheddar jack)
salt and pepper to taste
in a pan melt the stick of butter and then whisk in the flour, its going to be kinda like a gravy, you add the milk one cup at a time until it gets to be a thickened sauce. Then add 2 cups cheese until its melted. Then stir in your noodles, chicken and your bacon. salt and pepper however you like it. Put in a 9x13 baking dish and sprinkle remaining cheese over top and bake until cheese is melted. If you put it in a crockpot afterwards instead of baking, then pour cheese over top and put on low til cheese is melted. It really makes a lot. I can't say how many servings as I eat a huge plate of it with garlic bread! But its sooooo delicious, and even good warmed up the next day.
and if you happen to be holding a grudge against someone, forgive them. Make a pot of this and take them a plate, I'm pretty sure they will be forgiving once they get a bite of this cheesy yumminess.
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