Forgiven

I think the biggest struggle I have as a Christian is remembering that I am forgiven. Satan loves nothing more than to unpack the memories of my past life and rub my face in the shame of the person I used to be. And it works every time! I can be cruising right along, serving God and all of a sudden something triggers a memory of something in my past that I am not proud of, and BOOM, I am swimming in a mire of regret, or self hatred, because of things that I knew better than to be doing. Then I start beating myself up, and I get depressed, because I have not been a person that I can be proud of. I take my eyes off of God, and like Peter, I start sinking like a stone. 

When all I have to do is remember that I am forgiven. My sins have all been washed away. The Bible says that when we confess our sins God is just to forgive them, and not only that, but He forgets them, and puts them as far away from us as the east is to the west. God never wants to look at the sins we have committed once He has forgiven us for them. So why do we keep letting Satan bring them to our remembrance and make us feel like we have not been forgiven? 

I have some things in my past that I have really struggled with. Satan nails me with them over and over again. Then I start to wondering if I really have been forgiven, did I forget to confess this to God? So I take it to God, ask forgiveness, over, and over, and over again. I know that God is patient, but I think sometimes He shakes His head at me and sighs deeply and says, "Here we go again." I have been talking to my counselor about it and she said that I have to remember that when I got saved that I became a new person. That I am not the person I used to be, that did the things that Satan reminds me about. She said that I cannot continue to beat myself up for the mistakes of my past, because all that does is give Satan power, and it keeps me from fully serving God. 

I have thought a lot about that this past week. I am one of those reflective people who sit and ponder things for hours. I have had a lot of quiet alone time this week, and have done a lot of thinking and soul searching. I have realized that I have been a lot like Lot's wife, I  have so much ahead of me that is wonderful, but I cannot resist looking back at the life I once lived. While I don't fear being turned in to a pillar of salt, I am just about as worthless as one, when I do this, because I am not looking at God, and towards the new life He has made for me to live. I have to conquer Satan on this, and break his power over me in this. I am really good at giving this advice to friends and family but really struggle hard at taking it. God saved me. He chose me. He knew about my past and loved me anyway. Jesus loved me enough to die for me, to pay the price for my sins so I would be able to be forgiven of them. Sometimes I get down and think that God surely made a mistake in choosing me, and that if He would look back over His records and see the life I have lived, He would take back His gift of salvation, but I know that is not possible! Nothing slips by God, and He sent His Son to save those who were broken, and full of sin. He is the great physician, who can lovingly fix the most awful mess and turn it in to something beautiful. When God looks at me He doesn't see the mistakes I made, He sees the one He loves. In the Bible,  John always refers to himself as the one Jesus loved. But any of us who are children of God, can say the same thing. WE are also the one that Jesus loved. God loved us enough to create us, and send His Son to die for us, Jesus loved us enough to go through that horrible death so that we can spend eternity in Heaven with Him, and the Holy Spirit loves us enough to convict us of our sins so that we will confess them.
And Satan...... Satan hates us. Because we turned from him to God. Because we quit living a worldly life and started trying to live a Godly one. We struggle, yes. We fail, oh all the time. And every time we do Satan thinks that he has us where he wants us, and that if he can keep us down, we will turn our back on God and go back to following him. So he starts reminding us of our failures, making us feel unworthy of God's love and grace. But I have decided that I am not going to play his game anymore. I am a born again, forgiven child of God. I have been adopted in to the family of God. I have been set free. I am the one that Jesus loved. It's what we have learned our whole life, we even taught it to our kids. Jesus loves me, this I know...... and even though I have made mistakes, and still do, they are not what defines me. What defines me, is how I choose to worship and serve the One who created me. I am not defeated..... I am FORGIVEN!!

Is Your Tongue a Sword or a Tool?

There is a verse in Proverbs that has really been on my mind tonight. Its Proverb 12:18. "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  I have been thinking about this verse because its one that has been affecting me a lot lately. I love words. As a writer I guess that would be necessary, but I believe in the power of words. 

Words have many functions. They can entertain, they can educate. They can encourage. They can be used to build a person up. But they can also be used to hurt, to discourage and to completely tear a person down. Words spoken in anger are almost always a danger to someone's feelings. But in all actuality, words spoken while joking can be just as painful. Careless words hurt as much as planned attacks. This is a struggle that I have been having lately. I have been verbally abused for much of my adult life. And truth be told, I was verbally abused as a child too. I have been bullied, and made fun of. And in my pain I have done the same to others. But I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of being hurt, of being abused and being made to feel small. I am weary of people who are supposed to be my friends, taking pleasure in belittling me with their comments. Maybe I am being thin skinned, but it hurts. 

In counseling we have been discussing this. I am supposed to examine every relationship I have, and decide whether that person builds me up or tears me down. Lately I have been doing this. And perhaps that examination has made me super sensitive where before I was not. But I have noticed more and more, the people who claim to be my friends are the ones who hurt me the most. I have to wonder why? Are they hurting in their own lives so that they have to try to bring down others around them so that they can feel better about themselves? Or are they just not realizing that the words they say are damaging to the ones around them? The hardest part to realize is how I gave these people so much power over me and my feelings that I have allowed them to hurt me so much. 

I am one of those people that, when I am someone's friend, I give my all to that friendship. Perhaps I give too much. I open my heart completely and let those people in. I give them access to my emotions, to my feelings and I share my hopes and dreams with them. Most of the time, they take very good care of them, and help me on the path that I go, encouraging me, or cheering me on. They laugh with me, and cry with me. But once in awhile, a counterfeit friend sneaks in, who only has selfish motives. They think they are being a friend, but its more about what you can do for them, than what they are willing to do for you. And when you cease to be of use to them, then they take the knowledge that they have of your life, and they use those things as weapons against you. They know which buttons to push, and the fastest and easiest way to hurt you. Oh, they don't come right out and say that they aren't your friend anymore, because they might need you again in the future. But they still hurt you. And honestly, some may not even realize that they are hurting you, under the guise of trying to be funny, or thinking they are being cute. But when it continues, a person really has to start deciding if they want these people in their lives anymore. 

Another Bible verse that I really like is Ephesians 4:29:  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I am not saying that I am not equally guilty of unwholesome talk. But if I see that someone is trying to improve their life, or do something different, I do what I can to encourage them. If someone asks me about something they are writing, I don't lie and tell them its great when it isn't, but I also don't trash it completely and crush their dreams. I build them up while pointing out ways to improve it. I encourage them to keep working on it. I offer any help I can. That goes with anything that someone is doing. I know people who are trying to lose weight, and have failed attempt after failed attempt. And each time they come to me, telling me they plan to lose weight, I encourage them. I do not feel the need to remind them of every failure in the past. Or belittle or make fun of them. I try to be the positive in their life and do what I can to help them. 

God wants us to love each other. And we don't hurt the ones we are supposed to love. If the words we are saying cause them pain, then maybe we need to rethink the words we use. If we think we are joking, and we realize that we are hurting them, then we need to find different words to use. Sometimes we don't realize what all a person is going through in their life. We don't realize that what we are saying in fun, may be a reminder of what someone else said to them in anger, and we are pouring salt on a wound. 

I have been taking a step back from many hurtful relationships. These so called friendships have become toxic and these people just are not good for me. They spend more time tearing me down, than being there for me. I have spent hours crying or hurting over things they have said or done. Being let down by them, when I needed them most. Being a Christian does not mean we have to be a punching bag for someone, physically or emotionally. We can love and respect someone but sometimes it might need to be from a distance. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being made to feel small. 

I am trying to watch more carefully the things that come out of my mouth. Remember the old saying, "if you have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I am a lot more quiet than I used to be. I bite my tongue a lot. Because I do not want to add to someone elses pain the way I have been hurt. I have really started watching how I talk about myself, to myself, to others and about others. Because I know my tongue can be a sword. And I would rather it be a tool, to build someone up, rather than tear someone to shreds. Life is hard. Life hurts. I have had a lifetime of pain and I just want to be happy. I want to write, and travel, and laugh. I want to see new things, and make new friends. I want to eat bacon, and bake new desserts. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, that I can love in return. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be like honey, sweet and enjoyable. And I want the words that I hear to be the same. So to my friends, think before you speak. Build up, instead of tear down. And for the ones who have hurt me, I already forgive you. But if I have taken a step back, and you wonder why? Think about how you talk to me, and that might be your biggest clue. 

I leave you with one more scripture. Matthew 12:36-37 "But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."  These are tough words. I have many words to give account of, and for this I am ashamed. But I hope that in the future, that my choices are better, and the words that come out of my mouth are more pleasing to God. Because in all actuality, He is the only one I want to make happy, and the way to do that, is to show love to the ones He has put in my path. 

Letter from God

A while back I was going to a different counselor and she gave me an assignment that I was to write a letter to God, pouring out my feelings and problems to Him. And then I was to write a letter FROM God, using scriptures to back up what I thought He might say in response. It seemed to be an impossible assignment but as I was doing everything I could do to get past the depression that was getting darker every day, I decided to give it a try. I sat down, and over an hour poured out my heart to God. But it was tough. What was I going to say to Him. I would type. I would delete. No, that sounds whiny. That sounds dumb. God isn't going to think this is important enough to ask Him about. Then it came to me that God already knows, and He thinks everything about us is important, because He loves us. God doesn't just want our big problems, He wants our tiny ones. He wants us to come to Him when we lose our car keys, when we have a bad day, and when we want to give up. I finally made it though the letter, and then sat there. It was time to write the response From God. I prayed, and sat down, closed my eyes, and began to type. Words flowed from my fingertips at lightening speed. I am not a good typist, but my fingers flew across the keyboard. Finally, I reached the end, and looked back at what I had typed. It was the most perfect thing I had ever done. I shared it with a couple of people but have just sat on it since. But God has been working on me lately that I need to share the gift He gave me, the letter that reads so perfectly I know that the Holy Spirit inside me delivered that as a message from God. SO here goes:

Dear Beckie,

I know at times your life doesn't make sense, but Know that I have plans for you. Plans to bring you a future and a hope. Sometimes the road seems hard. You make rash decisions, without seeking My will for you. You veer off the path I have for you. Then I must re-route you to put you back on My path. These side routes are hard, but necessary to find the Narrow Gate of righteousness, away from the wide gate that leads to destruction. My child, I know you, I know all the suffering you have gone through, I know that even when you fail, you succeed, because you learn and grow. All things work for good for those who love Me. Before I formed you in your mothers womb, I knew you. I knew where you would end up, and there is a purpose for it, just as there is a purpose and a time for everything under the sun. I love you Beckie, so much that I sent My Son to die for you, so that you could live for Me and with Me eternally. When the time was right, I called you. You were stubborn, and rejected Me many times, but I kept calling you, kept drawing you closer to Me, and I knew that you would eventually turn to Me. My children know Me, they hear My voice, I have called to you many times, you recognized My voice because you belong to Me. I send you trials and temptations to strengthen you, to help you grow. To prove to Satan that you belong to Me. I don't give you any trials that are more than others have gone through, including My own Son, and I always give you a way out, so that you can stand up under the trial. Sometimes you fall, sometimes you forget to listen for My voice, you take your eyes off of Me, and wander away. But you always come back, and I am here waiting on you. Because I love you. Even when the demons come, and attack you, for My sake, remember that Jesus defeated them on the cross. Remember the end of the Bible, Beckie We win. Satan can only hurt you for a little while, but through Me, you will have victory. Keep your eye on the cross, on Me. When you feel unloved, remember how much I love you, Remember that Jesus loved you enough to die for you. Remember that I have placed people in your life to love you and make up for the ones who didn't. You touch their lives in ways you don't even realize and through you, their faith in Me grows as well. You are a strong warrior, whether you believe it or not. I love you, I have faith in you. I never regret creating you. Remember, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts and My ways are higher than your ways. Its not up to you to understand, its up to you to live, to worship, to pray, and to grow in grace in Me. Life is hard, because Satan has control of the earth, but only for a little while longer, and then I will send My Son, to bring You and the rest of My children Home to Me. I cannot wait. But there is much to happen before that day. Keep up the fight, My child, keep looking up, keep listening for My voice. and always remember, that I love you. 

Love, God

I reread this letter whenever I feel discouraged. When life gets hard. Because in my heart I know this is what He would say to me. Think about your own life. If you were to write a letter to God what would you say? What questions would you ask Him? And if He sent a letter back, what truths do you think it would reveal? God loves me. My crazy life at times does not make any sense to me at all, but God understands it completely. I may not always do what is right, but sooner or later I figure it out. And my greatest hope and prayer, is that on the day I stand before Him, He looks at me with love, and says Welcome Home Beckie. 

Changing the definition of MY LIFE

There comes a time when we have to decide how much of someone else's baggage we are going to continue to carry around. Even worse, how much longer we are going to let the lives of others define us, and make us who we are. I have just that issue. I let the mistakes of others affect my own life to the point that I am no longer ME but an extension of them. My entire life I have never really been "Beckie". I have been Albert's daughter, Helen's daughter, Ethan and Nathan's sister. Then I became John's mom. Later when I remarried I became John's wife, Joey's mom, Katie's mom. But not Beckie. I let the decisions, and yes the MISTAKES of those in my life become my choices. 

I have had real issues with my birth mother, and the fact that I do not want to be like her. To the point that if I realized I had something in common with her, I would quit doing it. Its almost like spite, but it holds me back in so many ways. She likes medication. In fact, she LOVES medication. So I take my fear of her addictions, and sabotage my own life. I get to where I don't want to take the medication the doctor has prescribed to fix my health situation, because every time I take a hand full of pills, I see her face. So I quit taking my medication. Or skip doses as a way to prove to myself that I don't really have to take it. That I am not like her. And hurt myself in the process. Sometimes its minor things that people think would be petty and crazy and they probably are. Her favorite snack is Nutella. So I refuse to eat it, because that would make me like her. I have followed her path in so many ways, even before I found her. She got pregnant young, and so did I. She writes, and so do I. Several of my quirks I got from her. But some are so ingrained that I cannot step back from them, so I choose the ones I can deal with. 

I have habits that people look at me and shake their head. I cannot handle my food touching. I have this long drawn out theory of what foods are allowed to touch and go together based on "rules" of food.  I have struggles with eating two different colors of M&M's at the same time. I used to pour my candy out and sort it according to colors, and eat it, in the order of the way they fall on the rainbow. These are things I am working on getting under control, getting past. Because these are things I got from her. But my entire life I have lived by the theory that "I don't want to be like her", but the problem with this is, I am letting her control my life, even though she isn't in it, because she is the basis of my decisions.

I recently left a very controlling and verbally abusive marriage. I decided to myself that I was no longer going to let him have control over me any more. But even though he is gone, he still has control. Every decision I make is based on things he has said, done, or thought, over the extent of our marriage. I have gotten in to a deep depression because its a struggle to break the pattern of life. Every day, the minute I got home from work, I was to go to the kitchen and start cooking. So now I rarely cook, because I don't have to. Its a rebellion, but its hurting me and my family, because we go our own ways, and eat separately, instead of having a family meal. My house is still his house, because he rules it silently, from a distance. Every decision I make is based on something in my head that I have heard him say. So I either follow the decisions he had laid down over the years, or I act in rebellion and do the opposite. But he still has control. I have to figure out how to take the control back, and make my decision be my decisions. But after so many years of being beat down emotionally, its hard. 

I am a list maker. I am one of those "to do list" freaks. When I cook Thanksgiving dinner, I make a menu, so I can check things off as I fix them. At work I have a list I keep written down, so I can check things off as I get them done. My friend made me make a To Do list of life. To list several short term goals to take control of my life back, and to get back on the right path. And she gave me a deadline. Some jobs are super simple, and some are going to be harder. Harder as in physically, and some are harder emotionally. Some are going to be like ripping a scab off of a wound, but it has to be that way in order to heal. Today that list is tucked away in my purse, like the shopping list I never can find when I get to the store. But I am going to rewrite it, and hang it on my wall. Because walking past and seeing those things not checked off will bother me, and I will have to take steps to getting the things accomplished. 

The people in my life and in my past only define me to the point that I allow it. And its time to stop allowing it. That is the only way I will truly take control of my life back. My life and my decisions should only be defined by my relationship with GOD, and by what will make me happy. I am not my mother, and I am no longer anyone's wife. Maybe on paper, but not in the ways that count. So today I am putting my foot down, and taking that first step in the direction of taking control back. I am not saying there won't be days of regression, and lots of tears. But I have friends in my life that are not going to see me fail. Today truly is "the first day of the rest of my life." And my checklist may end up very big, but I am going to work on my To Do list of life, until I get the life I want, and the life I DESERVE!

Depression... the never ending battle.

Depression is one of those tricky little things that creeps up on you when you least expect it. You can be doing really well, things are starting to look up, and then all of a sudden you realize that you are back-pedaling. That the darkness is overtaking you again, and you are starting to isolate. I love to be at church, I love my church family, but when the darkness starts to take over, I have to force myself to go to church. I can sit there, and wish I was anywhere else. I can feel completely and totally alone in a crowded room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to laugh, or sing, or smile. I try to fake it, to pretend I am okay when really, I am not.

Depression is like a buzzard circling in the sky over you, swirling closer and closer. I watch out in the fields and watch the eagles, the hawks, and the other scavengers circling over the top of a dead animal, and at times that sight just fascinates me, wondering what they are waiting for, why they just circle and circle, instead of just going down and landing. Then I realize that they are studying the situation. Depression is much the same way. Its always there on the edge, circling and waiting. Sleep becomes a struggle again, either you want to sleep too much, or you cannot sleep at all. Things that used to make you happy don't all of a sudden. People you normally talk to non stop, you find your self avoiding, so that they don't see that you are losing the battle again. Because it makes you feel like a failure. You start to isolate. Spending more and more time by yourself. You quit wanting to go places, you stop singing to the radio in the car. You keep your head down. Don't look anyone in the eyes. So they don't see the pain there. And the buzzards get closer.

You either start eating too much, or don't eat enough. You can look at food, and know you need to eat, and nothing tastes good. Or else you go on a mindless eating spree, trying to find happiness in the bottom of a potato chip bag. Or, for some people, you try drinking your troubles away, or taking pills, or self abusing. I am fortunate that I have not taken those roads. The roads I do take are troublesome enough. Words used on me in the past echo in my ears. They are like darts that pierce my heart, my mind and my whole being and make me feel worthless. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours. I cry. I fight the demons that tell me that I will never be good enough, that I am wasting my time trying, that I should stop fighting. That I should just let the darkness overtake me. And the buzzards get closer.

Sometimes they are so close I can feel their wings brush against me. Sometimes I can feel their claws in my back as they try to latch on to me, to drag me further down. I can feel their shadow over me, drawing closer, and its hard to breathe. Its impossible to think, the weight becomes almost unbearable. But a part of me keeps fighting. I reach out to people and ask them to pray, because when I get that low, I cannot even find the words to pray. I hide it well, I can carry on a conversation, I can pretend to be happy, I can even laugh, all the while I feel like I am drowning. Like I am dying inside. And at times I want to. But God lives inside of me, and He tells me that I am better than this. That I have to keep fighting the demons that are trying to keep me from feeling God's love. The Bible says that satan is like a prowling lion, seeking who he can devour. I think he is also like a soaring buzzard. Because I know depression is not of God, but it is something satan uses to keep us from being what God wants us to be. To keep us from knowing God's love, to keep us down, instead of letting us live happily. I notice that when I do great things for God, or I am getting ready to, that the depression hits. It sidelines me for awhile, until I battle my way back out of the murkiness.

Depression is something I may struggle with the rest of my time here on earth. I have battled it for a lot of years. Sometimes I win, sometimes it wins. but I think the key is that I never give up. I have to keep praying, keep my friends praying for me, keep fighting, and keep helping those around me that I see are struggling with the same situations. I can see that sadness in other people. I can sense their pain, and can almost see the demons that they, themselves are struggling with. I want so badly to help them, but I don't know how, when I can barely keep my own head above water. But I still reach out, I share my story with them, I share my struggles so they know they aren't in this alone. That someone understands just what they are going through. Because depression's power is in the isolation, in making you feel that no one understands. And if I can help someone else loosen its hold against them, then maybe it will break its hold on me as well. Depression makes you feel hopeless and empty. Like a freezer with no bacon in it. My freezer has a lot of bacon in it and therefore my life has hope and meaning. I know that probably doesn't make sense but in my little world it does. Bacon=happiness. So I keep struggling, keep fighting, keep praying and keep eating bacon, and sooner or later, (hopefully sooner) the depression will lift again, the buzzards will fly away, and I will be able to breathe, and laugh and life will be happy once again. But I know, its always there, circling and waiting.

I am......ME! (and not a mistake)

Being adopted has a lot of downfalls. The main one is not knowing your medical history, and secondly, not knowing your family history. When I was 21 I searched for my birth family and found them, and got medical information. I was told that I was German, and Cherokee. But still, when you look in the mirror, you don't really know. I have some parts of my birth mother, but other parts that I assume must have been from the man who helped to give me life. I cannot really call him my father, because he will always be a mystery to me. I have spend my life feeling like I was just someone's mistake. I have had people in my life that have reinforced that idea over and over, until it became who I thought I was.  

Recently, a friend and I started tracing our family genealogy. I had a hand full of names of relatives and I started entering them in the ancestry registry. Leaf after leaf appeared, taking me back another generation, and another. Through the 1800's when I found a relative that was Cherokee, and was on the Trail of Tears. Through the 1700's when I found relatives that fought in the American Revolution. 1600's when my family arrived in Jamestown on a ship.... from England. I am English! All of a sudden titles started to appear, Richard Cave, High Sheriff, Sir Robert, Lord of Helmsley, Barons, Knights, Lords of Estates, . Further back in to the 1300's William "the Lion" Huntington, King of Scotland. I found relatives that fought with William Wallace, and were hung, drawn and quartered and their heads hung on London Bridge! Back farther still, Edward the Elder, King of the Anglo-Saxons during the 900's. Cynric King of Wessex from 530. More leaves. Flocwald Asgard, King of the Trojans. in the year 100. and still leaves were popping up, until the last leaf was on Hwala Asgard, 120 BC.......BC..... I traced my family lineage to Before Christ. I sat there and stared at that name, and that date. Most of the people I know can trace their family back to the 1700's, or maybe the 1600's when they immigrated here, but to trace it back this far! The only way possible was that the royals kept records that most people do not. I traced my family back 83 generations. Through England, Scotland, Norway, Scandanavia, Germany, Iceland, Afghanistan, I had a relative that died in Australia. How can this be? I am nothing. But now all of a sudden I have this fantastic family tree, with hundreds of branches. I started out with 4 generations of names, and took it back 79 more, over 500 relatives names so far, and more leaves to click on the outer branches. I was busy going up, now I have to go out and fill in all the blanks. 

The history is fantastic, great stories, pictures of castles, statues, scrolls of family records, legends, monuments to great deeds. Portraits of family members. There are people who achieved great things, took great risks, lived, and traveled, and fought. One relative was married twice and had 23 kids between the two wives.  But I still had to wonder why I was finding so much information and my friends were not. Then a verse came to my mind. Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."  Now I am not talking about the prophet part of that, because I am no prophet, but the first part of that verse, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you...... God knew me, Before He formed the earth, He had a plan for me. All the way back to Hwala Asgard in 120 BC God knew that I would be born in 1969. I was never a mistake, I was planned. Maybe not by my mother. To her I was the consequence of her sin, but I was a part of the Master's plan. If I had just gone back to 1800 and then dropped off like so many of the sections of my family tree did, I would have just kept with the idea that I was a goof. But to be able to trace a line back, proves that God always meant for me to be. 

This changes nothing in my life, When I was a kid, I used to daydream that my mother was a princess, and I had been kidnapped by gypsies and put up for adoption, like the fairy tales, and one day my royal family would search for me and find me and take me to the castle. But, that never happened, and yes I do come from royal lineage, but no one is going to come and whisk me away in a carriage (or a limo). My exterior life is going to go on just as it did before. But inside, I have changed. I have a family tree! I know what parts of the world my relatives came from. According to Katie this explains my love for tea, because I am English. Maybe this explains my love for English and Scottish accents! But all in all, it shows me that God loves me, and that He always did, even before I took my first breath. Sometimes we forget that He has plans for our lives. I came from a long line of greatness. There is a tiny piece of each of those people inside of me. The life span of many of my kin were in the 70-80's. So I know these health issues are not going to get the most of me because I come from strong stock! My family stood up for what they believed in, even to the death! So who am I to fear the struggles I deal with!?? God is working in my life and I need to live up to what He has created me to be. I don't know exactly what that is, but I am going to start preparing. God put it in me to write. I am writing. For years I kept the words tucked inside me, scared of being put down. Now I put them out there and the ones who are meant to, will read them and the others will not. But I honor God with my words. All that I am, I owe to Him. I may not have a lot of worldly possessions, but I have a heavenly home. 

God has perfect timing, He put me in this place at this time, and allowed me to find this information so He could reveal to me that I am worthy. I always have been, I just didn't realize it. 

All I want for Christmas is Unconditional Love

Christmas is about family. Its a time when families gather together and celebrate. We celebrate the birth of our Savior, or at least that is what we are supposed to be celebrating. It seems that now adays more people celebrate presents, and food, and parties, rather than remember the true "reason for the season."

I have been pretty ill this last few months. Everything is such a struggle and I spend a lot of time going to the doctors, getting tests, taking medication. I find myself isolating a lot, wanting to spend time alone, sleep, or just let time pass me by. I didn't have the energy to shop, to bake, to play Christmas songs and dance around and sing. There is no tree up at my house, no decorations, The rolls of wrapping paper are sitting in the corner and the presents are stuck in a box with each kids name on it, and duct taped shut. For my grandkids I shopped online and had it sent straight to them.  No stockings are hung. I had decided that Christmas just wasn't going to happen this year. But I forgot that these are not the things that make Christmas. Christmas is about Jesus. Its about going to church and watching the youth put on a Christmas program. Its about going with your church family and handing out food and fruit baskets and singing Christmas carols. These things I was able to do.  Its about going to church on Christmas eve to sing praises to God for sending His Son for us. Its about spending time with family, and friends, and showing them you love them, and accepting their love for you.

I have one of those messed up kind of lives where my family is very mixed and matched. Being adopted, you have a lot of issues. I have a family that shares DNA with me. I have no relationship with my birth mother, but I know my sister and an uncle and I love them both dearly. These are my blood relations. I have my adopted family, my mother, 2 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, and lots of nieces and nephews. I love them as well. I also have my church family, the family that God gave to me, where He placed me to be saved and to serve. He has given me a group of people who love me even when I am unlovable. Who miss me when I am not there, and who are happy to see me. Who tease me, and worry about me, and chew me out (with love) when I mess up. He has given me awesome friends who refuse to let me isolate. Who drag me out and keep me as active as I can manage, but who don't act disappointed in me when I wear down.

I have had a few people make comments about how they cannot wait til I get back to being "the old Beckie", because this Beckie "isn't fun". That the doctors need to "Fix" me so I can "get back to normal.". This kinda hurts my feelings because while I feel bad, I don't feel like I am broken to need to be "fixed". And when someone goes through an illness, many times they come out on the other side changed, and never go back to the way they were before the illness. I look at a lot of things differently, my priorities are different, my wants and needs are different. God has  slowed me down, so I have no desire to go 90 to nothing all the time. He has shown me that I have to take care of myself, instead of putting myself dead last in order to meet everyone else's wants and needs. I want to be loved for who I am, whether I am sick Beckie or well Beckie or fun Beckie or depressed Beckie. I am still Beckie. These are just sides of me, they are not what defines me. But to feel like I am not good enough for someone if I don't behave the way they think I need to, or act like I did back when I was killing myself to satisfy everyone, that makes me feel like people don't love me for ME, but for what I can do for them. And that is not love.

Christmas is the season of Love. Remember John 3:16. For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. God loves us, whether we deserve it or not, whether we are sick or healthy, whether we are happy or sad. He loves us unconditionally. We should be the same towards each other. So as everyone gathers together with their family, look past the presents, and the food and truly look at each other. Love the ones that God has put in your life. Don't be upset if they are down, or sick, love the fact that they are still alive to love on. Don't look at people as needing to be fixed. God has put them in the valley for a reason, and people grow and change in the valley, don't pressure them to be what they no longer are. Love your family. Love your friends. Love God and Jesus, and remember this season is about Them.

Merry Christmas! May your holidays be everything you hope they are, and may you find Love wrapped up inside every package.

Who I USED to be.....

The other day I was talking to a friend, and made a comment about how he used to be a jerk in high school. He looked at me somewhat sadly and said, "yes, but I have already apologized to you for that." And he had. He came to me one day and asked me how he had treated me in high school, and then apologized for any times that he might have been mean to me. You see, he is a different person than he was then. Because a while back, he was saved. And part of being saved means you turn your back on your past life, and start living a new life for God. Sometimes part of that life means going to people who you have wronged and asking forgiveness. Or forgiving people you have been angry at, whether they have asked for it or not. Its not always easy, but if God forgives us, who are we to not forgive. But forgiveness isn't really what I have on my mind at the moment. Well, it is, but again it isn't. What I am pondering so deeply, is this. How powerful is the forgiveness that comes from God. We know we are forgiven through the blood of Christ. But how powerful is that blood?

I think we as people seem to make levels of sin. You have your gossipers and your gluttons, the little white liars. Then your big fat liars, your thieves, your adulterers. And then you have your murderers, your child molesters and people like Hitler, Bin Laden, etc. But I have never seen anywhere in the bible that lists greater or lesser sins. They are all listed as sins. So, based on that, the nice little grandma that sits at the cafe and "bears false witness against her neighbor" by gossiping, is actually just as bad as the terrible serial killer with fifteen dead bodies in his back yard. In GOD's eyes. Sin is sin. So, now that I have taken the long way around the barn, what I am pondering, is this. Is the blood of Christ powerful enough to wash away the sins of the mass murderer the same as the little ol granny? In my book the answer is yes. If the murderer repents, and TRULY turns his life over to God. So why is it that we as people, decide that the blood of Christ is strong enough to cover small sins, but not enough to cover big ugly sins? Or if we agree that it is strong enough, why do we continue to drag a repentant person thru the muck and mire of their past sinful life, rather than forgive them truly and let it be in the past.

We are supposed to be Christians. To be "Christ Like". And in all the verses that I have read, when Jesus forgave someone of their sins, it was forgiven, as far as the east is from the west. I don't remember Him ever running in to the Samaritan woman later and calling her that woman who used to be an adulterer. I don't recall Him acting that way towards the woman He saved from stoning. I don't remember Him constantly rubbing the disciples noses in the fact that they bailed on Him, or that Peter denied Him. And I feel fairly confident that when I stand before God's throne, He is not going to say "well there's Beckie, she USED to be a grudge holder," He is going to say, "there is Beckie, she trusted in My Son for salvation, she is My child." So as Godly people, why aren't we treating our brothers and sisters the same way. Why do we feel the need to drag up their past, if we claim to have forgiven them? Or if they didn't wrong us, but we know that their past is not a shiny one, why do we expect people do forget our own sketchy past and not extend that same measure of grace to them?

Our past is just that, its our past. And if GOD can forgive us for it, through the blood of His Son, then are we better than He is, to continue down that road of judgement and unforgiveness? Are we going to have to realize that we might actually see repentant murderers in Heaven, while sweet little grandma's go to hell because they never got saved. Its a hard pill to swallow. But its the way it is. But my goal is to stop reminding people about how they USED to be. If you USED to be a jerk, if you USED to be a liar, if you USED to do drugs, drink, swear, or whatever, and you turned your life over to God, then that is not who you are any more. For those I have judged by old standards, I apologize. For those that perhaps have judged ME by old standards, please realize that I am not that person anymore. I struggle at times, I fail and at times I am not very Christ-like, but I am NOTHING like how I USED to be. And I am so very thankful for that.

Disappointment..... a reflection.

Sometimes I get really disappointed. I get disappointed when I want something really badly and I don't get it. I get disappointed when someone that I thought was my friend, walks away from our friendship without a backward glance. I get disappointed when I look in the grocery ad and bacon isn't on sale. There are levels of disappointment, and I have given examples of three of them. I couldn't really even name something I wanted that I didn't get, because wants, needs and desires are so fleeting, "Man, I really want that car." whoops, someone else bought it. And the feeling lasts until the next thing catches your eye. The second example is one of the most painful kind, when you face the loss of a relationship that you had felt was the forever kind. When your best friend decides they don't want to be part of your life anymore. When someone who professes to love you, changes their mind. This disappointment leaves a much deeper hole in your heart. It's painful, and sometimes hard to get past.  The third example, the thought of paying full price for bacon, while tragic, is nothing really. Just a daily disappointment.

I myself have been a disappointment. I was a disappointment to my mom when I refused to wear dresses and play with dolls, choosing instead to play with trucks and dig in the dirt. I was a disappointment when my grades did not match my ability. And I was a disappointment when I got pregnant my senior year of high school. Disappointing my parents always bothered me, because I hated seeing that look in their eye that mean that I had not lived up to their expectations. At times I still try to live up to expectations that are impossible to meet. I try to be the perfect daughter, to make up for the mistakes made in my younger years. But nothing can make up for them, for they are in the past. Yes I got pregnant too young, unmarried, but I never considered my son to be a mistake, and for almost 27 years he has been a great joy in my life. I too have been disappointed in my parents. When they didn't get me the Michael Jackson Thriller album for Christmas, when I was forced in to a dress for school pictures, when they grounded me for something I didn't do. I would be disappointed when they weren't cool like the parents of my classmates. But I realized later that those things are nothing. None of those events were life altering. Even though maybe they felt like it at the time.

I know I disappoint my kids. When I don't feel like cooking supper and they have to eat microwave burritos.... again. When I don't let them hang out with their friends. When I cannot afford something they really want. But again, those things are fleeting. In ten years they won't remember those things. I am sure I disappoint my friends, when I fall back in to bad habits that they helped me kick, when I start thinking negatively, when I struggle with the same things over and over again, instead of walking away from it. Lot's wife and I have a lot in common. I spend a lot of time looking back, instead of concentrating on what is ahead.

But really, the biggest fear I have these days is disappointing God. The times He calls me to do things and I refuse. The times I fail and falter over and over. The times I lack faith in the simple promises He has made to His children. I imagine Him sitting there in heaven, sighing deeply and shaking His head. "Oh Beckie, " He must say. "Why do you go down this road again? If you would just listen to Me, life would be so much easier." I know He loves me unconditionally, and would never leave me, but I know that I make Him sigh A LOT! And it grieves me to know that I have done things to make Him sad. I want Him to view me like He did Job. "Sooooo, have you seen My servant Beckie, she is amazing, I am so PROUD of her." I know there are times I made Him proud. When I turned from my ways and accepted His Son as my Savior. When I did the things I was called to do without running from it. When I use my writing talent to bring glory to His name. But even among those times, I know He is still sighing. Because I struggle so much. I listen to Satan's lies and let them get me down. I look away, and go down a wrong path again, until it gets to where I can no longer hear His voice. When once again I have to cry out for Him to bring me back to the fold. And He is always right there, waiting on me to come back.

Life is short, and its full of disappointments. No one is perfect and there is no way we can ever hope to reach the expectations that people put on us. So if there is anyone that I have disappointed, I apologize. For the ones who have disappointed me, I forgive you. And I strive each day to NOT disappoint God, the only One who matters. Because I want, more than anything. for Him not to look down at me and sigh, but to smile and say, "yeah Beckie, atta girl!"

Greetings from the Valley

Have you ever been tired? I mean so tired that you just can't move? Last winter I went through a bout of insomnia where I was sleeping 2 hours a night, if that much, and I got so tired, that I fell asleep at church, in a crowded noisy room, standing up, leaning against a wall. Just for a moment, before someone touched me to see if I was okay. But I was that tired. Now I am in a phase where I want to sleep all the time. I go to work, come home and go to bed and sleep. Some nights I sleep ten hours or more. And wake up exhausted. I know that while my body may be asleep, my mind is on overdrive. I toss and turn and wake up with my blankets on the floor, my pillows may be down by my feet. Its like I am battling something all night long. And I wake up feeling like I haven't been to sleep at all.

I am so tired. I am tired of living in a world so full of sin that it seems normal. I am tired of people who act like they are my friend but talk behind my back. I am tired of people who think that I am incapable of managing without their constant "advice". I am tired of being made to feel small, of being made fun of because of my faith, of being hurt, and abused, and neglected. I am tired of working as hard as God has called me to work, and seeing the pew sitters complain about things that haven't been done. I am just tired. And because I am tired, I am complaining.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and telling him what all had been going on, since it had been awhile since we had seen each other. I told him that I was deep in a valley, and that I knew that I had to spend time in the valley to grow, but that I was so weary of it all. He said that we all think that because we are Christians that we are supposed to be on the mountain all the time. He said that these "feel good preachers" (insert names here) give us this false reasoning that following God means that life is going to be a piece of cake, but that if we are truly followers of Christ then we are going to have it hard. Christ suffered, He was mistreated His entire ministry, so how can we as followers of Him, expect to be treated any differently. He was tempted by Satan for 40 days, so how can we expect Satan to leave us alone if we are doing God's work? The best advice he gave me was to keep my head up. Look up towards God, keep my head held high, because I am living my life in a fallen world and trying to do what's right, and even though the valley seems endless, not to do anything crazy. Let the haters be haters. Let the pew sitters sit, because their rewards,(and the lack there of) will follow them. It really made me think and it made me feel good. I should feel blessed to be attacked by Satan because it means he is not liking what I am doing. If the haters are hating, it means that I am making them think, and they have to knock me down to try to get me to stop.

Another friend told me recently that I need to remember that I am a child of God and that I need to remember to praise Him in the storms. Sometimes that is so hard. Especially when I am in a storm and see so many people sunning on the beach of their life. Sometimes God calls me to do things, and I hesitate, and wonder what the repercussions are going to be. I shouldn't be that way, because Jesus never hesitated to wonder if He was going to be stoned, He dove right in and did what He was sent to do.

I am looking at these headaches I am going through as one of two things. Either God has brought them upon me, because it has greatly slowed me down, I pray more, think more. I have soul searched, and made changes in my life that were needed. I have started writing again. I do what He calls me to do the first time He calls, rather than pulling a Jonah and running from Him. I love more, and I show that love more. I take nothing for granted.  The other thought is that Satan is behind them, trying to keep me down, so that I don't feel like going to church, reading my Bible or praising God. I will admit, sometimes it gets hard. I have had to walk out of the sanctuary at church when the singing has gotten too loud. I have walked away from fellowship because the noise level was too high. I have skipped devotion times because my head was hurting and I could not concentrate.But I have never let my love for God diminish.

I know this is different than a lot of my blogs here lately have been, but these are the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head this morning. Over and over, so I decided they needed to be shared because someone obviously needs to hear them.

I have decided to find the joy in this valley, to look for the positive even if it feel like it does not exist..... and I have decided to fix bacon for breakfast and I might just eat the whole package. Because bacon is the Prozac of the food world, and its been a really rough week......