I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and what I have figured out, is I'm not God. God has been here forever. He has done a lot of miraculous things, and He did it all without me! He created the universe from nothing and didn't even need to ask me how. He created every animal, without my input, and they turned out just fine. He created every person who would ever be on the face of the earth, including ME, and really, without asking my advice, did a great job.
So why is it, when God wants to do some work on me, in me or using me, do I feel the need to tell Him how to do His job?
God: Beckie, you need to work on some things, I would like you to study My word more often than you do.
Me: Okay God, but...... how about if I listen to the guy read the Bible on the app on my phone. That technically qualifies, right?
God: No. Listening is not the same as reading. I want you to read.
Me: Okay. (Read two verses) There ya go, God, took care of that for ya.
God: (sigh)That isn't what I had in mind. I want you to pray more. The more you talk to Me, the closer we will become.
Me: I can do that. I will just pray when I think about it. I will pray in the car going to work, and when I eat, and when I am going to sleep.
God: NO, Beckie, I want real prayer time with you. Not when you are rushed, or busy or distracted. I want you to talk to ME about your problems,
Me: Oh, well I already talked those over with one of my friends, so I am good now, but thanks! If I have a problem I can't manage on my own tho, I will be sure to holler.
God: (sigh) This depression, it's getting out of hand. I never created you to be sad all the time. You listen to satan when you should listen to Me. I would never say things to make you feel bad, I would never make you feel worthless.
Me: I'm sorry God, what were you saying? I wasn't listening. I was busy listening to the voices that tell me I am junk.
Me: God, I have an idea. How about You work things out, so I can write full-time and not have to have a regular job. Then I can stay home, and just write.
God: Beckie, you write to bring glory to My name, yes, and I want you to write, but I also want you to work at your job because I put people in your path that I need you to talk to. I put people in front of you so that you can tell them about Me, so you can encourage and uplift them, make them laugh with the sense of humor that I gave you.
Me: well, yeah, But I just think that it would be easier to just do it my way.
God: but your ways are not My ways.
Me: I KNOW God, but..... Your ways are not easy.
God: I never promised easy. See that person over there? The sad one. I want you to go and talk to them.
Me: (sigh) I don't want to. I mean, I will, but I don't want to. Maybe you should send someone else to go talk to them. Someone that knows what to say, someone, that knows how to talk to them in ways I can't. I'm not good at that.
God: When I send you to talk to someone I give you the words.
Me: But, what if I mess up?
God: You won't mess up.
God: I want you to slow down, Beckie, you are too busy, you don't rest enough, you don't spend enough time doing the things I want you to do, just being still and knowing that I am your God.
Me: Hey, look! Another project! I can serve You, God, by doing more at church!
God: Beckie, you serve Me, yes, but you are so busy serving Me, that you never have time to spend with Me, to worship Me, to grow in Me, to pray to Me. You stay so busy, that you end up farther away from Me than if you did nothing at all.
Me: But God, I need to be busy, so I can't hear the negative voices that tell me I am junk.
God: You wouldn't hear the voices if you would spend that busy time praying to Me, or reading the Bible.
Me: yeah but....
God: (sigh) Read the Bible Beckie, Jeremiah 29:11. Know the plans I have for you. The plans "I" have. It doesn't say the plans Beckie has.
Me: I know God. And I think they are good plans. But I just think sometimes that my plans are better, surely easier, and...less painful.
God: You "think". But your thoughts are not My thoughts. I see the whole picture, you just see the tiny piece you are in. All I ask of you Beckie is obedience. To trust Me, that I have things under control. That I know what is best for you.
God: I love you, Beckie, I loved you before the earth even began. when I formed the plan for you. When I worked out your story, and how you would come to be. I knew the mistakes you would make. I knew the wrong paths you would take. I knew you would reject My Son, many, many times before you would accept Him.
Me: But... why couldn't I just have a normal life? Why did I have to be adopted? Why did I have to have the hard life, so full of pain?
God: I needed you to come to earth in a different way because I needed you to learn lessons differently, so I could use you to help people in ways that others couldn't. Life was hard because you kept making the wrong decision. Because you kept going off the path I had for you, and it took Me time to get you back on the path, just in time for you to get off of it again. You are stubborn, and willful, like the Israelites who had to wander in the desert for 40 years. You spent a lot of years wasted and lost when you could have had things easier. But I knew this, and I kept working things around so that you would eventually find Me. But in those years, you listened to the voice of Satan telling you how worthless you were, until you let his voice soak in, drowning out My voice.
Me: (sigh) I'm sorry God. You are right, and I am wrong. But...
God: No Beckie, no "buts". Be still, and know that I am God. Listen to My voice, soak in the words I tell you. When I tell you that you are Good, that you are Worthy, that you are Special. Because to Me, you are all of this and more. I created you to be just the person that you are. People love you, even if you can't see it. People think you are as wonderful as I do, even if you can't accept it. People see how special I created you to be, I just wish you could see yourself through My eyes.
Me: but I keep messing up. I forget to pray, and forget to read my Bible, and I sin. A lot. I get angry, and I sometimes say bad words. I get jealous, and I want more than You have given me. I struggle, and I let life get me down. Some days I don't want to live, and I take my eyes off of You, and then the depression gets so bad.
God: Because you try to do My job. Beckie, I am God, I am the Master, you are the servant. I am the teacher, you are the student. I am the potter, you are the clay. Quit trying to do My job, and just be the person I created you to be. Let Me be God, and you just be Beckie.
Me: (sigh) I will try harder God.
God: I know you will. and we will have this same conversation tomorrow. And the next day. But you know what? I love you Beckie, and no matter how difficult you are, I am glad I made you.
Me: I love you too God. I just want you to be proud of me.
God: Child, I already am.