Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Depression: The Monster Within

Having depression is like having a monster living inside you. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde at its worst. Life can be moving along at a normal pace and then something triggers it. Sometimes it can be an event, sometimes it can be a memory, or sometimes it can be just having been too strong too long, and getting worn down. But it hits, and you are down. Again. And sometimes it's fleeting, a sadness, a few tears; sometimes is longer, a few days in bed, or having to seek counseling and medication, because it goes on and on and on. And sometimes, it ends suddenly, in a suicide. But it's always there.  
Sometimes you want to talk about things because you know that will help. Sometimes you want to internalize things, because you don't want to talk about it, again. Because you have been down this road, your friends have been down this road with you a thousand times and you don't want to feel like you failed them again. So you try to vanquish the monster alone. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But you always have scars. The scars are on your soul. On your heart. You might look normal on the outside, but inside you have a thousand battle scars from the fighting within your heart, your mind, battles that no one sees. 
Some people never battle depression or even have the blues. I know, because they tell me. They tell me that I need to suck it up. They tell me I need to shake it off. I need to give it to God, I need to pray more. They don't know that I have had more depression issues since I got saved than I ever had when I was lost. They don't know that Satan sends the demon of depression after me every time I make great strides for God, to knock me back down. They battle other demons I am sure, and maybe don't even realize it. All of God's children battle Satan if they are growing in their faith. Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows how to attack. 
When you think you are fortified, and prayed up and strong, then Satan attacks your family, and that drags a parent down faster than an attack on themselves. Our kids are our Achilles tendon or main weakness. And I faced a full frontal attack a few weeks back, and it left me weak. And vulnerable. So attacks have come pretty regularly.  I envision an army of demons surrounding me, big ones and small ones, each with their mission to bring me down. The demons have names. Discouragement. Sickness. Nightmares. Calamity. Woe. And lurking around at the back is Suicide. Because there have been times over the past few days when that has attacked as well. That this life is so hard, it's not worth living. Death would be easier than this daily onslaught of attacks. No one cares. No one would miss me. The kids would be better off without a crazy mom. These are all lies, lies of Satan, but they are the whispers that come at your weakest point. 
Why try? why bother? Why waste your time putting one foot in front of the other? I have had family that committed suicide. For a long time, I couldn't imagine what would cause them to make that decision. I thought it was selfishness. They never thought about what it would do to the ones left behind. But I realize now that they did it to shut up the demons. They weren't strong enough to keep fighting. They had been too strong for too long. Even the fiercest warriors can only fight for so long. They have to have someone to take over the fight so they can rest. But if no one is there, then what? If no one is there to catch them. Or if they don't want to go to the ones they usually go to because they are tired of feeling like a burden. Because it's the same fight over and over. 
I know I am loved. I know I am valued. I know I have people that loved me and want me and need me. I know I am a good person, a strong Christian. But, when that hits, I am worthless. I am unlovable. I am unwanted, unneeded, un.... un-anything that I know I really am. I am weak. I can't do anything right. I can never make it on my own. A black cloud goes over the sun and I am in a darkness that is as thick as tar. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just lay and look at the wall for hours. But this last time, I got angry. Filled with hate at the unfairness of life. I lashed out at people. Mr. Hyde had a heyday. I shut the door on my usual support system. I get tired of being needy. This time, I didn't care if the monster won. I truly did not care. Because I am tired of fighting. I am so tired. 
But God always has a plan. And He has people in place. He sent a couple of new warriors to battle through the darkness. To beat the demons off of me, and drag me back into the light. Not to replace the warriors that have fought for me before, but allies. 
So here I am. Bruised and bloody, but healing. Weak but breathing. I have always used a lot of symbolism with walls. I had walls built up around me to keep people out. People broke down those walls so they could love me and be with me. Hurt comes in those broken walls too. So maybe the key is building the walls back, but handing out keys. So the ones who love me can come in, but I can keep out some of the painful stuff. I don't know, but trust God to help me find a balance. He must still have things for me to do because He hasn't let me go yet. So it's time to dust myself off. Be like Elijah. Eat, sleep and start the fight again. Because I know there are more monsters over the horizon. But I have a lot of work to do for God before I get there. 

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