The Power of Discouragement

Dear Discourager, 

It is well known that words have a great power. They have the power to uplift or tear down. They have the power to help or to hurt. So we need to choose our words carefully. Why do some people feel the need to constantly tear people down, to discourage them from following their dreams or making a choice that can better their life? 

I have spent most of my adult years being discouraged and put down. Quite frankly, until a couple of years ago my self-esteem was in the toilet. I felt I was stupid, worthless, and any other negative term you could imagine. I had dreams, but not the confidence to follow them, and I was discouraged from even trying. I was smart, college education, even though I never completed my degree, but I was forever discouraged from doing anything to better my life. When I changed my situation and changed the people in my life I started seeing that people wanted what was best for me, even when I, myself didn't know what that was. I had people who knew I had writing ability encourage me to start writing, first this blog, and secondly freelance writing for local publications. It is so thrilling to see my name in a magazine. But still bittersweet, because, if not for the discouragement for so many years, how much farther could I possibly have been by now? And I know that not everyone cares for my style of writing and that is their business, but why spend their life raining on my parade? My brother, who is NOT a reader, faithfully reads my articles every issue they are in and is proud of me. He encourages me and has faith and confidence in me to follow my dreams. He could just as easily ignore what I am doing, and it wouldn't hurt me. He could also tell me I am wasting my time because I will never amount to anything but a small town magazine that no one really cares about anyway. And that would break my heart. His words and opinion have the power to hurt or help his baby sister and he uses them to lift me up. 

I am not saying that I always make the right decisions in life, and granted, I have made a lot of mistakes, but that is no reason to belittle me. The ones who seem to make it their mission in life to tear down those around them who are trying to improve their lives. It makes me wonder if they feel so badly about their own lives that they need to tear down those around them to make themselves feel better. The Negative Nancy's and Negative Norman's in life who want others to be as miserable as they are. They find fault in everyone and love nothing more than putting others down. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV 

Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

we are supposed to encourage each other, to show love, and to always want the best for each other, even if it is not what we ourselves would do. I have a friend who wants to go skydiving. This is something I, myself would never do. But it isn't MY dream, so why would I discourage him from following HIS dream? I am proud that he wants to do it. But I certainly wouldn't spend hours telling him scenarios that I have heard that happened to others who did it, and I wouldn't tell him he is wrong to want to do it. My job as his friend is to cheer him on, encourage him, and pray for his safety. To be excited for him, and when he has successfully completed it, to be proud of his accomplishment. That is what friends do. 

There is so much negativity in the world, we need to strive to be a positive force. We need to lift up the fallen. Hug the hurting. Encourage the ones who struggle. 

Think before you speak, are your words positive, encouraging, enlightening, spoken with love, for the benefit of the hearer, are they truth, or opinion. Will they help, or hurt? Are they necessary, or would it be more beneficial to step back and stay silent? 

So dear discourager, please, PLEASE if you are part of my life, just know that I spent 20 years being put down and discouraged. I spent 20 years being made to feel worthless and stupid. I spent 20 years being told what to do, and how to do it. I am now my own boss. I make my own decisions, and I might ask for advice, but at the end of the day, the only One who's opinion of me really matters is God. If I am headed down a wrong path He convicts me and turns me around. Be a positive part of my life. Be happy for what I am doing. Even if you don't agree. Even if you "heard" it wasn't a good situation. Even if you don't think I can do it. And if this isn't possible for you to do, then PLEASE keep your opinions to yourself, because what I need in my life is lovers, not haters. 

Signed, 
Beckie

PS. And if you don't like bacon, I am afraid it might SERIOUSLY impact our friendship. :)

Who's Your Daddy?

At church tonight, we were having a discussion over the book of Romans. Carroll was teaching out of the 8th chapter and we got to the 15th verse which says:

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

We went on to discuss this and he talked about how the word Abba, is the equivalent of the word Daddy. And that we are supposed to have such a close relationship with our Heavenly Father that we think of Him as our Daddy. While we are reverent and call Him Father, we should look at Him as Daddy. Carroll went on to say that how our relationship with our earthly father was, can also be a basis of our relationship with God. This has really put me to thinking. 

I loved my dad. He was a hard man at times to love, but I did. Dad didn't tolerate a lot of nonsense and he had a firecracker temper. If you were good and did well, then love and acceptance came easily, but if you messed up, it was a more conditional love, and disapproval was very common. When I was a little girl, I really seemed to do what was pleasing to him. I made good grades, rarely got in trouble in school, and was seldom disciplined, outside of being sent to my room. 

But as I reached my teenage years, and twenties, I made several bad decisions. My relationship with my dad became strained, and there were times we went long periods of time without speaking to each other, sometimes while still living in the same house. I made a lot of mistakes, made bad decisions, and his displeasure and disappointment were very well known. I felt loved less, not unloved, but less than I had known before. And at times, I wondered if he regretted getting me. (adopted kids sometimes struggle more with things because they don't have the security of knowing they were meant to be in the family. 

This is the same as my relationship with God. It is invalid, but it is how I have felt at times. I feel like when I don't do something He has called me to do, that He is disappointed in me, and that sometimes I am just one screw up away from God turning His back on me. I know this is not realistic, but I also know the thoughts and feelings that run through my mind. God is extremely patient, and the Bible refers to is as longsuffering. I am sure He shakes His head a lot and sighs deeply, but I know that His love for me never wavers. The verse states the while I am adopted into the Block family, even more importantly, I have been adopted into the God family as well. God is my Father, I am joint heirs with Jesus. Jesus, knowing that I would screw up, loved me enough to die for me. If I am valuable enough to die for, then God is not going to turn His back on me. Because I am redeemed, I am holy and perfect in His eyes. He may shake His head, but He is also proud of me, despite my mistakes. 

This wayward thinking also transfers itself to my friendships. I have had lots of friends turn their backs on me when things get tough. They see my mistakes, make judgements on me and decide I am not worth the hassle. So in the back of my mind all the time, are those feelings, of what do I have to do to reach the point that my friends will walk away from me. And I reach that point at times, but then I have friends in my life also that tell me it doesn't matter how crabby I can be, how down I get, or how impossible I can be, they are not going to leave me. They, like God, are in for the long haul. God gives us the ability to love each other. But it's up to us to decide if we are going to love as God calls us to love, which is unconditionally, or if we are going to leave that the first sign of trouble. 

I regret not having a close and stable relationship with my Dad. and I know that it affects my relationships with others, and with God. But I want to always remember that while I had an earthly dad that I loved, that God is the ultimate Daddy. my Father. And that Jesus is the Big Brother that is always going to have my back. He died to save me, and He loves me. My earthly brothers love me as well, but not the same as Jesus. 

My dad loved me, but not the same as God. And my friends love me, more unconditionally than I ever deserved. And I have gotten to the point with several of them to finally trust in the fact that they are not going anywhere, they are in my life to stay, now and through eternity. Because we are all part of the family of God, and as a child of God that I am worthy of that love. 

I am very thankful for Carroll to point out that fact so that I have the opportunity to lean more on my Father, my Heavenly Daddy. Because His love never changes. And that thought brings my heart a great peace. 

Our Emotions, Inside Out

There is a movie called Inside Out, and I had heard about it and was asked to watch it by a good friend. I was skeptical, but watched it, and I really think its one of those life changing movies that if you delve a little deeper than the surface, you will learn something about yourself that perhaps you did not know. 

What do we search for in life? What is the one thing that everyone wants? (well besides an unending supply of bacon). Happiness. We all want happiness. We want to feel joy, we want everything to always be sunshine and roses. We get up on a cloudy day and curse the rain. We make plans, and it snows and we are angry. (Totally guilty on this one) If things aren't perfect in our little words, we are sad, or angry, or disgusted, or depressed. But what if there is more to it than this? 

If we were always happy, would we be appreciative? If we never knew sadness, would we appreciate the things that make us happy? If we never experience rain, would we understand the beauty of a warm sunny day? If we never felt the bone chilling cold of a snowy day, would we really appreciate a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate? If we never felt loss, would we really understand love? 

Life isn't about being happy. It's about living. Experiencing all that life has to offer. The good and the bad. I understand this more than many because I struggle with deep dark depression. At times, it almost feels hard to breathe when it gets so bad. But because I have felt these deep and dark emotions, I know how good happy feels. Happiness isn't the lack of problems, it's knowing that it can get worse and cherishing every second that it isn't. Love doesn't just come when things are rosy, it stays when things are hard. But there is still more. 

What happens when we are happy? When we are happy, and we have all we could want or need, we tend to take credit for that. We don't really need anyone else because our little world is happy. But when things go wrong, and they always do at some point or another, that is when we need others. God has our lives all intertwined. We have a circle of friends, and those friends have a circle of friends that includes some of ours, but not all. And each circle spreads out bigger and bigger until everyone is included. Well, except for those who close themselves off from the circles, and try to make it through this life on their own, But that is not what God wanted, or intended. And those people are going to face a lifetime of pain and loneliness. This I also know, because there are times I have walled my heart and life up, to keep people out, thinking I was protecting my heart from pain, but realizing that I was also shutting out happiness. 

In the movie, the character had a memory that she thought was simply happy. It was a core memory, one of those that lasts a lifetime. But as they delved into the memory, it wasn't what it first appeared. I won't give anything away, so I will transfer the lesson to my own experiences. I can think of a really bad time in my life when my marriage fell apart. If I focus only on the fact that my marriage ended, that is a TERRIBLE time in my life. But if I expand on that memory a little bit, and look at it from other angles, it's also an awesome time in my life. God had a circle of friends prepared and on standby. That moment things ended, I sent out two texts, and those people immediately started to pray for me. When I went to church and told my Sunday school class that I needed extra prayers, they did. They held me up, both prayerfully and literally over those next days, weeks and months. Friends helped me financially, they brought me food. They followed me out of church services when my emotions got out of control and I needed to cry. They let me talk, they drove me to work when the roads were bad. They told me jokes, they sent me texts to check on me, they hugged me and told me they loved me. So what was the time really? It was horrible, but it was good at the same time. 

I think all of our life can be looked at this way. There are always things going on that we don't realize at the moment, that we might only see looking back. I have painful issues in my life with my adoption, but looking back I can see God weaving intricate pathways for me to follow, rerouting me when I got off track (which happened a LOT), I can see people He placed in my life. love that was given unconditionally. 

Every aspect of our life has meaning. We need the clouds and rain, we need the snow (but not a lot of it, please-thank you.) We need the hurt and the pain and the tears. We need to experience the death of loved ones and lost friendships, broken relationships, and arguments. Because only when we have these experiences, will we ever know the true happiness and joy of the birth of a baby, new friendships, meeting your true love, and how good it really feels to laugh. And unless you have tasted really BAD cheap bacon, you will never appreciate the really good, meaty, perfectly cooked and crispy bacon. 

Life is what we make it. We need to find the lessons in the hard times. and learn to look for that silver lining in even the blackest of clouds. We need to appreciate even the hard parts of life, and even more so, the people that God has given us to help us through the hurtful parts. Look over your memories, find the ones that hurt, and turn them from side to side, and see if there isn't something buried in there that is good. Don't look at it from the pain of being there, but look at it through new eyes. I have a lot of memories of my own to examine, But I am hopeful that I can see new things, and put the bad parts of those memories to rest, and realize that something good came from all of those times. My emotions can get pretty raw, but I am so thankful that I have the ability to feel. And throughout all the sadness, I have learned so much about how GOOD happy feels. 

the Devil in Church

If I was the devil and I wanted to tear up the Church, I would start with the local congregation. I would sneak some tares in with the wheat. I would get some unsaved people that think they are Christians and get them to join the local churches. Perhaps they went forward as children and think they are saved but never made a true profession of faith. I would get them to bring worldly ideas in, and push for the church to be more accepting of sinful lifestyles and political correctness. 

I would start whispering in the ears of the older generation that they have done more than their share of working within the church and need to just sit back and let the younger generation take care of nurseries, teaching, visiting the lost, going to the nursing homes and other ways of working for God. I would overwhelm the younger generation who is struggling with small children, full-time jobs and a home, until they are too busy and too tired to bring their kids to church, because on top of that, they have to teach and work in the nursery too, rather than just have that time to rest and recharge. 

I would start whispering in the ears of the faithful workers that no one appreciates their hard work and that they aren't making a difference anymore, so why should they waste their time, energy and money supporting the causes of God's work. I would cause discontent so that they decide they have done enough because they aren't appreciated. I would make it seem easier to throw $20 in a plate than spend two hours of time working in the community. 

I would start encouraging the gossips to spread lies and half-truths about the ones in the church that are struggling with sin, with broken lives and yet are still coming to church so that God can help them. I would get the gossip to the point that these people give up and quit coming to church, to sink back into their lives of sin so that they can live peaceably outside of the eyes of the church pew gossips, even if it dooms their souls for eternity. 

I would attack any and all youth programs. My biggest desire would be to get the youth out of the church, preferably before they got saved, but even still, if I could get them out of church before they take leadership roles its just as good. An out of church Christian is nearly as good as an unsaved person, in the eyes of the devil. 

If I was the devil, I would encourage pride. I would focus on the money and the clothes and the cars of the people going to the local church. I would make people believe that God cares about those things and that if they "pray" the right way then they will have money falling from the sky to fill their every want. I will whisper in their ears that it's okay to go to the casino and buy lottery tickets. I will whisper that it's fine to live above their means, using credit cards, and rack up large debts, just to appear to be what they are not. I will make them forget that Jesus was humble and poor. The widow's mite would mean nothing, and again we would have the Pharisee in the streets bragging about the size of their donation. 

I would discourage prayer, and Bible reading, but would encourage the social aspects of church memberships; the trips, the activities, but let things like going to nursing homes to sing and visiting the elderly drop out. I would discourage those who want to do things to bring people to Christ, but would encourage spending money to do things for entertainment purposes only. 

If I was the devil I would attack the youth. I would turn the church into a fashion show, where they are more concerned with how they look to each other than how they look to God. I would encourage them to bring their phones into service and surf social media instead of listening. I would make it look like nothing is more important than romance and it's not necessary to remain holy and pure. 

I would start competitions and arguments between local churches so that they no longer are supportive of what the other does. I will discourage people from attending the revivals and events that the other churches are hosting. I will make them forget that if they escape me and are going to the same heaven, they will be together anyway. Because that is the last thing I want them to think of. I want them to think that going to a ballgame is more fun than going to church. I want them to think that going to the bar on Saturday night is more fun than going to church. I want them fighting among themselves and gossiping and tearing each other down. I want people to get mad at the people in the church so they quit attending, quit praying, quit worshiping, and then I can slowly turn them back to following me. 

If I were the devil I would make sure that the best show on tv are shown during church time, or directly afterwards so that the people who do go to church will leave as soon as possible rather than stay and fellowship with Christian brothers and sisters. And I will make shows that intrigue people, even if they go against everything that God teaches us. 

If I were the devil, I would hate the word revival. So when a church has one, I would do everything I could to keep people from going, from inviting others to go. I would bring sin in to the churches on the hem of everyone's clothes, and keep them so busy with political correctness, with fashion, with money, with arguing, with gossiping and with socialization that they forget that they are at church to pray, to worship and to grow in their relationship with the One they came there to be with. And the best thing is, I am doing it every day, and the people don't even see it. My job is getting easier and easier. I am in more churches than ever imagined. I have closed churches, burned churches, and ripped churches apart. I have torn apart families and led people to suicide rather than salvation. I have helped create a generation that hates God, hates church and hates Christians. I am winning. The Bible says that in the end I will lose, but oh, how many people I am going to have with me in hell. And in the end, that is what matters most to me.......

What is your talent?

The other day our pastor preached on the parable of the talents. Where the master is going out of town and calls three of his servants and gives them each a different number of talents. The first takes what he was given and doubles it. Likewise the second, while he was given fewer talents, also doubles his. The third one though, takes the one talent he was given and buries it, rather than working with it to make any increase. I think this is how we can be at times. 

God gives each and every one of us talents. Some he has given multiple abilities to. They can be super smart, great athletes and can sing beautifully. Some may not be able to do these things, but they have a wonderful way with children, or the ability to make money. But we are each given something we can do, to bring glory to God, to bring people to God and to otherwise help increase and further the kingdom of God. But what do we do with these talents? I know for many years I did absolutely nothing. I have always loved to write, and I was fairly good at it, but did nothing with it. Part of it was because of the life I had, and the fact that any and all creativity was not encouraged. But part of it, was pure laziness on my side. 

Lately though, God has impressed it on me more and more to use my writing talent to bring Glory to His name. And this is exactly what I am striving to do. At first I thought that writing a blog would be a good way. I could write about what God was doing in my life, but the God started expanding it, and opened a door to freelance writing in magazines. While not every article I write can be about God, I am able to incorporate it in as I can, and can choose many stories where the subjects talk about God in their own lives and can bring His name out in that way. But then He progresses, and I am now writing a Christmas play. And still more He works. I write, whatever He puts in my mind, not always knowing what He has planned for me to do, but knowing that He has a plan in mind, and that I will surely succeed at what I do, if I am doing it in His will. 

What is the talent He has given you? You cannot say there is nothing, because if you are a child of God, He has given you something, and even if you are NOT yet His child, He still has given you an ability that He will develop more at the time comes for you to use it for His glory. Can you bake amazing desserts that you can use to bless someone who is going through a hard time? Can you draw, paint or craft something to bring a smile to someone in need? Can you play sports, openly praying before and after competitions as a way to glorify the One who gave you the ability? Can you teach, or support the work of others' callings? Can you hold the hand of someone who is sick, or dying, and pray with them? What are you doing with these talents you have been entrusted? Are you using them, growing them, sharing them with those around you? Or are you being like the servant who buries them in the sand, not willing to do anything to help the master increase his holdings. If we do not use the abilities God has given us, He can take those abilities from us. If we use them for our own gain and not for His, He can remove them from us then as well. Trust in God to show you the talent He has given you, pray that you have the strength to battle Satan and stand tall for God. Because if you read the story, those who used the talents to increase, heard the words "well done my good and faithful servant." Those are the words I long to hear from my Master, when my time on earth is done. 

So when God calls me to write, I write. I may not understand what, or why but its not important. I am developing the talent He has given me, and as I do, I know I am doing my best to increase His holdings and try to bring people closer to Him through my words. What are YOU doing with YOUR talent?

Life is A LOT like bacon......

I took a break from blogging because my mind got bogged down with a lot of other things. I got busy doing other writing, and really, truthfully, I just didn't think that my blogging mattered. But I realized that I blog, not just for others to read, but for an outlet for myself to work through the things in my mind. 
I have had a lot of heartache lately. Family members making decisions that have caused me so much pain that I feel at times like my heart is literally breaking. I know people tell me to mind my own business, that I cannot control the decisions of others, or I cannot fight someone Else's battle. But it does not make it hurt any less. I think we are supposed to hurt for the pains of others. Even in the Bible, it talks about how when Jesus rode in to the city, He wept. He wept because of the lives being lived. I weep for the same thing. I see family members that have totally rejected God in every way, and who refuse to see that their lifestyles are leading them straight to hell, and they have no intention of changing. They keep hollering that they want to be happy. That God is okay with their lifestyles of sin because He wants them to be happy. Tell me one verse in the Bible that says that God wants us to be happy. I have yet to find it, He wants us to be OBEDIENT. When we turn out lives over to Him, and yield to His ways, we will find happiness in serving Him, but we are not to be part of this world. Our happiness awaits us in Heaven.

I have had family members tell me that I do not care about family, that it means nothing to me, because I have searched for and found members of my birth family. That does not make me love the family that raised me less.  I have enough love in my heart to go around. I know that sometimes I spend more time with my church family and my best friend's family than I do with my own. But my church family shares my belief, and I can truly be myself there, and not have to deal with the other junk. I can pray out loud, I can be sad, or cry, and not be made fun of. My best friend's family loves me at my most unlovable points. They love me when I feel like I can't go on, when I feel like giving up. They love me when I am weak, not expecting me to be the strong one. 

In many ways I love my life, I love the people that God has put in my life. I hate having to live in a fallen world. I hate the way that this world is getting crazy, and sin is becoming the norm, and holiness is a thing to be mocked. I hate that Satan is running rampant. I hate that so many of my family members are lost, and don't even care, because its easier to sin and have fun than to be right. But I love my family, even when they don't realize it, or believe it. I am just in such an internal struggle that sometimes its easier to love them from a distance. 

Life is a lot like bacon. (yeah you knew that was coming). You see the word bacon, and you sigh. You smile, and your mouth waters because you know that its going to be great. Someone can tell you they are fixing bacon, and you get happy, because you anticipate that its going to be just the most amazing thing. Then you have to start making these decisions. Do you want thick cut, or thin cut? (Well that depends.) Do you want double smoked or uncured. (Smoked all the way!) These are like life decisions. Do you want to follow God or be of the world. Its the same way. It cannot be both! You cannot have your bacon both cured and uncured, the same way you cannot be Godly and worldly at the same time. Sometimes you buy bacon that looks to be amazing, you look in the window of the package and see lots of meaty pieces. (You go to church, and it feels good and you pray a prayer and think you got saved. ) but then you open the package and realize that it was just that one piece on the end that was meaty, and the rest is all fatty. (if there is no change in your life, then you were slipped a false salvation.)  The biggest fear of all, is to live your life in anticipation of the biggest, most awesome bacon sandwich in the world, and to get there on that day, and stand before God and realize that all you have coming to you...... is turkey bacon. (hell) and as you spend eternity eating turkey bacon, and knowing that if you had just followed God, you would spend eternity eating Hormel Black label double smoked center cut bacon. 
I know I'm being funny, and probably a little ridiculous, but my point is this. Are you truly happy in your life? This life is such a small portion of your eternity. I struggle with sin every day of my life. There are things I would like to do, but I Know they are sinful. SO I struggle and fight the temptations, because I look at the big picture of my eternity. Better a few years of unhappiness and an eternity of peace and joy, than a few years of sinful happiness and an eternity of agony. If you think you were saved and it does not bother you at all to live a sinful lifestyle, then maybe you were slipped some uncured bacon and your salvation was not real. I've been there, I lived almost 30 years thinking I was saved and I wasn't. Because it was toooooo easy to sin, and I didn't feel bad when I did it. 
so examine your bacon closely. Check to make sure its meaty, full of the goodness of God. Not loaded with the fat of Satan. Make sure its smoked with the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God that tells you when you are doing wrong. If you get defensive and feel the need to justify what you are doing, chances are, you shouldn't be doing it. and Please, Please, get right with God, so your bacon is pure, and not the turkey bacon of lostness that will lead you to Hell. I love you, and I want you in heaven with me. Eating bacon sandwiches with the Lord. 

Serving God: When Can I Retire?

Serving God has really been on my mind lately. I think maybe because its that time of year at church where we have elections for new positions for the church year. But serving God is a year round duty. Its not one I take lightly. So its one I have been thinking about a lot here lately and its made me ponder several points. 

I saw a sign on a church the other day that stated: Service to God is how we pay the rent on our home here on Earth. I got to thinking about that. and for those of us who are Christians, I feel this is true. God gives us a beautiful place to live, complete with four seasons, a beautiful sunrise and sunset daily, rain, rainbows after the rain, animals to keep us company, friends to help us through life, and two families, one we are raised in and the one in the church He puts us in. He gave His Son, to settle our sin debt, calls us to salvation, saves us from hell, all for free, but as such, we are supposed to do one job for Him, and that is to spread the word, lead others to Him, and LOVE our neighbors. 

Some people are saved young, and some, like me, are older. So in reality, all the VBS's, and church dinners, and things I did prior to being saved were just good works. So actually I have only served God for not quite 4 years. There are others who got saved young, so they may have 20-30 years of salvation on me, maybe more, so does that mean that they have more accrued years of service on me? Does God keep a service record kind of like the government does, with points per year, so that after a certain number of years of serving God, we can retire from service? 

Sometimes I feel like I need to really work hard, serving in every capacity possible because I feel like I wasted a lot of years I could have served. So I volunteer for everything under the sun, wanting only to serve and help God. In part of my service I ask others to volunteer to serve in one capacity or another. In some occasions I get the response of "I already did my time, let someone else do it." So it occurred to me that people have the attitude that after so many years of service to God, they can, in a sense, retire and spend the rest of their time "pew sitting" and letting everyone else work. But I have yet to find the scripture in the Bible that backs up this mindset. John was an old man, when he was on Patmos, and wrote the book of Revelation. He had been exiled, but yet, even after all he had done over the years to spread the word of Christ, he was still obedient and wrote down the vision that he was given. He served God til his dying breath. He could have easily had said, "sorry God, but I did my duty all those years ago, when I started churches, and traveled, and wrote the letters and books that You gave me to write. I just want to sit here on this island and relax. Send this vision to someone else." But, thankfully for us, he was obedient, and did what God wanted. 

Our salvation never ends, so how does our service to the One who saved us end? Yes, salvation is a free gift, and nothing was asked in return for it, but we who are saved are supposed to bear fruit, and be anxious and ready to serve God. Its kind of like the story in the Bible about the ten lepers. Jesus cleansed them all, but only one came back to thank Him and worship Him. I think a lot of people can be that way as well. God saves them, and they go on their merry way and live their life, never once thanking Him, or serving and worshiping Him the way He deserves. They come to church, get saved, and then are never seen at church again. 

So my question is: what is the retirement age of serving God? How many years do you have to serve before you can just sit on a pew for the rest of your life and consider your debt to Him paid? If you work extra hard, and volunteer to do a lot can you apply for early retirement? If you jump in there and meet your quota of leading people to Christ, can you get exempted from having to work later? If you work in the church nursery while your kids are young, are you exempted as soon as yours are grown? Or could you still help watch over the children of the church so that their parents are free to listen and grow? If you taught Sunday school for 6 years, does that mean you no longer need to do anything? I have served in many aspects over the short time I have been serving God, sometimes very actively, and other times in a smaller aspect, but in all I do, I serve Him to the best of my ability, according to the calling He has given me. Sometimes He calls me to do much, and other times, He gives me smaller jobs, because I need a time of growth or rest. But I have never thought about taking a season off, or that I would retire, this side of heaven. Because I think that our job never ends. God gives us free will, to serve or not to serve, but I don't want to stand before Him one day, and have Him look at me with disappointment and say, "Beckie, you did great in the things you did, but you could have done so much more. I never wanted a pew sitter, I wanted you to do My work on earth."

This may sound preachy, and that isn't my intention. And I really want to know how others feel about this. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. Everyone talks about the crowns we will have in Heaven, complete with jewels as our rewards for the things we do for God. I do not serve God expecting rewards, I do it because I love Him and am thankful for all He has done for me, and saved me from. But, if your works for God are the jewels in your crown, what do you think your crown is going to look like? I know some who are going to have these super tall crowns, so sparkling with jewels from all they have done, that it will be blinding. But some, I am afraid, are going to have crowns that look like the ones you get for the kids at Burger King, gold colored fold around paper, because they didn't feel the need to serve the One who created them, and all they have. 

I figure my crown will be small, and somewhat plain, and I figure my mansion will be small, but thats okay. Its not about crowns, or mansions, its about serving God here on earth, so that when I stand before Him, He is proud of all I did. I will serve Him until I draw my last breath here, and see Him face to face, because that is how I read the Bible, as it being a life long job. 

Who God created me to be.

Today has been a rough day. Actually its been a rough several days. I have been in a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. The headaches are going on eight months. For awhile they had eased up, but now they are very severe again. A lot of people tell me I don't seem like I am in pain, but when you hurt all the time, after awhile you get used to it, and it becomes part of you. If its not migraine level, or close to it, I normally don't pay much attention to it. I think the same can be said of emotional pain. 

I have lived nearly a lifetime of emotional pain. Some of it I had control over and some I did not. But it has gone on for so long it has gotten to the point that it has just been part of who I am. I guess I figured I deserved to be treated badly, because it had gone on for so long. Because of it, I made bad choices on who I let in my life, and the emotional pain continued. 

If ten people told me I was awesome, and one person told me I was stupid, I believed the one. I was not a great student in school. I made average grades, and I excelled at reading and writing. But I struggled with Math. My 8th grade math teacher struggled so hard to try to teach me that she finally told me that I was too stupid to learn algebra, and to just take general and consumer math in high school. I got through math because I had awesome friends who helped me as much as they could. I got through math in college with massive tutoring. I took College Prep English in high school, and Honors English in College, I got an ACT scholarship, because my super high English score balanced my low Math score, for a 25 over all score. Back then a 25 got you a scholarship to Crowder. But every time I did something successful, all I could think of was I am too dumb to do math. At Crowder, I was the Editor of the Sentry, and Assistant Editor of the Quill, which are the newspaper and literary arts magazine. But I failed Spanish. So I was a failure. Always the negative. 

I spent my entire life beating myself up. I allowed others to do it too, both physically and verbally. My birth mother didn't want me. I never lived up to the idea of what my parents expected me to be. My brother made sure to remind me that I wasn't really a member of the family. The bully in grade school drove home the point of what an illegitimate child really was. My marriages were abusive. On and on and on. Like I said, some were my choices and others were not. But it made me who I am today. A broken person with low self esteem. 

I have been angry at God many times, wondering why. Why did I come in to the world in such a way. "My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts." Why was life always so hard. "for I know the plans I have for you.... to give you a future and a hope." Every single question comes with a response, from God, thru His word. I look back over my entire life, and I can see the hand of God, working in my life, turning my path here and there. I constantly took the wrong road, made bad decisions, but I can see where He would work things around, detour me to get me back where I needed to be. So I would, when His time was right, make a decision for Him. And even though that was the best decision I ever made, I still struggled. I still allowed myself to be abused, and mistreated. Used. I allowed "friends" in my life that had ulterior motives. It was never an equal friendship. I do for them, for little in return. I am a giver, a doer, I show my love for people by giving and doing. Cooking, giving things, helping. My counselor said I am a people pleaser. Perhaps I am. Another friend told me I am "Nice to a fault." I give and give, until there is nothing left. And if I chose to give to people who just take and take, pretty soon I am left completely empty. I am not saying I shouldn't give, or help, and I shouldn't expect anything in return. But its kinda like throwing pearls before swine. If all they are going to do is trample over me, does God expect me to continue? I am to love my neighbor, but that doesn't mean be his kicking dog. Maybe it means I should love him from afar. I need to be able to love myself. But if I continue to surround myself by people who just hurt me over and over again, I will never find a way to love me for me. 

If I won't fight for myself who will?  If I won't stand up to the ones who make themselves feel better by tearing someone else down, then I continue to be torn down. If I spend all my time trying to earn the love and approval of those incapable of showing it, I am pushing away those who earnestly love me, just the way I am. 

My project for the week is to find scripture that states I have value in God's eyes. And I am to examine my close friendships to see if they build me or hurt me. I am to fight for myself, and if someone tries to put me down, I am either to stand up for myself or walk away, not stand there and take it. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Planned before the foundation of the earth. I may have come here a little differently but I am not a mistake. I am worthy of love, and acceptance and those who only view me as someone to use, or pick on, are going to realize I am not going to be that person. We are to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. But when they do not choose to do the same, I think its time to step back. If they miss me enough to change and be what I need them to be, then I guess we are friends. If not, I guess time will tell. But for now, I just want to stop hurting. Emotionally for sure, as the physical may take more time. So its time to "suck it up Beckie" and be what God created me to be. Strong. Courageous. And an amazing Baconista! 

What am I worth?

I have major issues with self worth. It's something I have struggled with for most of my life. I guess being adopted, I felt like if my own mother didn't want me, I must not be worth anything. There were a lot of issues growing up that led to a deepening of the feelings that I really didn't matter, and my self esteem was not the greatest. I got pregnant in high school, and discovered that the love I had was not unconditional, and that fall from grace had long standing effects. I married the father of my baby, even though he had already started abusing me. I had this fairy tale belief that it would get better, but it got much worse. But, I thought I must have deserved it, because I wasn't worthy of being treated better. My second marriage, while not being physically abusive, was controlling and verbally abusive. My hole got deeper, and so did my depression. 

After I got saved, I realized I had some value, otherwise God would not have given me so many chances. God sent His Son to die for ME! But even so, my self worth was not great. I was so beaten down by life that I still felt worthless. God put so many people in my life to lift me up, to encourage me, to be there as I struggled. Finally I realized that I deserved better than I had, and broke away from the abuse. But after being in it for so long, being away was harder than being in it. I began to self abuse. To constantly put myself down. To "ground" myself from the things that made me happy, because I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. 

And deep down, I was still judging myself by the Birth Mother value system. 

I have had people tell me how amazing I am. How I am smart, and funny, and awesome. and my usual response is "yeah right." Because I don't see myself that way. I write, because its in my blood. People tell me I am a good writer, but all I see is the mistakes I make. I am my own worst enemy. I am hyper critical of myself. Its my major downfall. 

There are times when I feel that life is almost too hard to handle. There are times I have struggled with a depression so deep that I have even had suicidal thoughts. My kids are the only reason I am still breathing. That, and the Holy Spirit that lives within me, that whispers "Keep going Beckie, things will get better." There are some days that it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, and it hurts to think. There are days the headaches get so bad, that I want to just give up. And out of the blue, God sends someone to me, with a message from Him, to give me just enough encouragement to keep going. 

The other night, things were really bad. And a friend told me that she wished I could see myself as others see me, because then I could see my worth, and would know I had value. She told me that she admired me! I have pondered that for a few days. I tell myself, that if I did not have value, I wouldn't have the great friends that I have. If I didn't have value, half the people in town wouldn't know me by name and be glad to see me. If I wasn't important to someone, then my Facebook wouldn't be overflowing with messages, bacon pictures, jokes and supportive comments. I was talking to another friend, and he told me that I needed to realize my worth. That God made me the way I am for a reason. and I needed to figure out how much God thought I was worth. That really stopped me in my tracks. That is the whole basis of it. It doesn't matter what the Egg Donor things about me. It doesn't matter what either husband thought of me. It really doesn't matter what anyone things of me. What matters most is what GOD thinks of me. How much value does He think I have? Obviously a lot. He sent His Son to die for my sins. He called and called, and never gave up on me, while I was being a jerk, and hating on people and pretending to be a Christian while I was living like Satan's little sister. God thinks I am valuable enough to make me the mom of three great kids, and smart enough to use my writing to bring glory to His name, and to His Son. 

I may never have anything here on earth. I may always be on the shady side of broke, I may never live in a fancy house or own a brand new car. I don't even care if I live in a cardboard box on the dirtiest street in heaven, at least I know I will be there. Because God loves me, and finds me worthy. Self worth isn't the key, God worth is. This is an issue I may always struggle with, but I am going to think about it differently now. And I am going to try to see myself as others see me. Because God has given me a purpose, or I wouldn't still be breathing, and Satan wouldn't be nailing me every time I turn around to try and get me off the path. 

What am I worth? In the eyes of my Lord, I am priceless. 

The Road

Everyone has those roads in their life that they wish they never traveled. Those moments of regret, those things that seemed like a great idea at the time, that have done nothing but lead to a lifetime of hurt. There are good things that have come out of these roads, but so many regrets. 

I would say the biggest regret I have is searching for my birth mother. I had this idea in my head. A fairy tale version, where I would find this person who had searched for me my entire life, desperate to find me. We would meet, and she would love me, and hug me and we would live happily ever after, making wonderful memories to make up for those lost. This is not what happened at all. She never wanted me. She never looked for me, in fact, she lived in fear of me searching for her. She didn't even really want to meet me after I did find her. She never accepted me, never loved me, and after we got past the point of trying to form a relationship, she hated me. I was her biggest regret, and the one thing she would do different if she could. My existence was her biggest regret. She wanted an abortion, but they weren't legal in 1968, so she had me, and gave me up. She had thoughts of me on my birthday, she said, she cried a lot, and battled depression. But I think I was a reminder of a time she did not want to remember. She told me of a boy she had dated, that she said was my father. But several years after I found her, I searched for him, found him, and we did a DNA and found that he was not my father. This made her angrier at me, and what of our relationship that still existed, ended, and she truly hated me. I always wondered why, until my sister, her daughter, sent me a notebook of our mother's writing. 

In that notebook, I found an entry, that was pretty much a retelling of her childhood. It was filled with pain, defiance, things I wish I had never read. There was a section that pretty much describes where I came from, explains why she hates me. Why, once it came out that the boy she wanted to be my father wasn't, then it confirmed the events that led to my existence, that I once again became a reminder of a time she regretted. Reading that, made me feel like I had truly been a mistake, like damaged goods. I have always struggled with feelings of unworthiness, with not feeling like I fit in with the family that raised me, but not feeling a part of the family I shared DNA with. I love my sister, and we are alike in so many ways. Our lives have really been parallel in so many ways. I have always been jealous of her, because our mother kept her, and she admitted she was jealous of me, because I got out and had a chance at a normal life. Other than my sister, and finding my Uncle, and meeting my grandfather, I wish I had never found her. The pain that it has caused me, has been very damaging. 

My life was on a very wrong path even before I found her. They say that life is half nature and half nurture. My nurture was lacking and my nature was bad. So I made a LOT of bad decisions in my younger years. and followed a lot of the same paths that she did, even tho I did it unknowingly. I was determined to be different, but found out I was much the same. When I found her and my sister, and saw how differently I was raised, I was glad. My parents weren't avid church goers, but at least I had a basis of belief in God. I thought I was right with God, but didn't realize until a few years ago that I wasn't. Thankfully God had patience with me, and kept waiting on me. Looking back tho, I was more like her than I ever realized. I did not love people, I hated everyone. I was not a good mother, because I really didn't even know how to love my kids. I was mean, and hateful, and grudge carrying, exactly like she is. My only saving grace was that I believed in God where she hated God. She is big in to witchcraft. The first day I spent with her, she took me to meet her shrink and to get my palm and tarot cards read. In my attempt to get her to accept me, I delved in to the things she liked, but it was so different from my raising that I never could accept it. I couldn't get too deep. I am thankful for that. 

After awhile we quit trying to have a relationship, because I couldn't accept the wild life she lived, and she couldn't accept me for who I was. I missed my sister, but life moved on. Several years later I found my sister on Facebook and we started working our way to a relationship. Our mother instructed her to tell me she was dead, and my sister tried, but in the end couldn't lie to me and told me the truth. Our mother became very hateful towards me, and said much to hurt me, until finally we blocked each other so I no longer had to deal with her hatefulness. But deep inside I still wanted her to love me. 

She had told me the name of the boy she said was my father. I searched for and found him. He asked to have a DNA test ran, so that he could confirm I was his before we attempted a relationship, because he had doubts due to the person she was. Well, he was right, and the test showed he was not my father. When she found out, she was so angry with me. She sent me the most hurtful and hateful letter imaginable, and even all these years later, the things she said still hurt, and still affect the person that I am. 

So much of who I am comes from her. So much of what I battle, comes from her. Even the writing, comes from HER. My weird little quirks that people laugh about, and tease me about, but accept because they love me, come from HER. We battle many of the same demons. I want to be nothing like her, but hard as I try, I am more like her than I can even imagine. I make decisions based on her. She is like this, so I won't be. She is a drug addict. I am so scared of becoming addicted to drugs, that I won't even take the medication that I need to for my health, because every time I take a handful of pills, I see her. She is addicted to pain meds, so I refuse any narcotic type pills, and basically suffer through the headaches, with something barely stronger than Tylenol. When I bother to take it. So in trying to NOT be like her, I am damaging my own life, and my body. Somehow I have handed complete control of my life to her, because every decision I make somehow is linked to her. Even tho we never see each other, never speak, she affects every part of my life. When I make parental decisions, its because I don't want to be the type of mother she was. I don't want Katie to follow my path, or her path. I have to take control back, but I am not sure how. 

I know that with God on my side, and the love of Jesus in my heart I can never be 100% like her, but there is still so much struggle there. And deep down inside I still have this deep seeded want for her to love me, to accept me. I am stuck on this road, full of pain, and pot holes and I don't know how to get off of it. I pray about it, I turn it over to God, and somehow, when I least expect it, the scab gets torn off the wound and I am hurting all over again. Everyone tells me I had a great family, and great parents, but there is always more to a story than meets the eye, and sometimes what people see, isn't always the way it is. But I will continue down this road, always searching for the path that veers off. Where I can finally be whole, and happy. I will battle the demons, and the negative thoughts, and will finally, one day, I will be complete. The thing I have realized, it may never happen here on earth. Fixing me may only come when God takes me home.