The Pantry Shelf: Lessons Learned

Awhile back I blogged about the pantry shelf of my life. That the hard times in life I tucked away in jars, tightly put lids on them and then stuck them on the pantry shelves of my memory, not wanting to ever have to deal with them. Things festered up, lids popped off and toxins began to poison even the good parts of my life. To put it frankly, I was a mess. My health started going down hill, I have been suffering from a headache for over five months, with no end in sight. In the desperation of trying to "fix" my headaches, I started counseling and dealing with the problems of my past. 

It has been some of the most trying and painful times of my life. I have cried a lot of tears. I had been in the depths of despair. I have felt like the darkness would never lift. A valley is a low spot, between mountains. I have been in the valley. But the last little while I have been in a pit. A deep dark pit, with slick sides that seemed impossible to get out. I started Christian counseling, and we use God's word to deal with issues, but there were still some things that I was too ashamed to discuss. I had finally gotten to the point that I knew I had to talk about it, or the darkness was going to engulf me. But, we got a snow storm, and my appointment was canceled. But the woman I talk to texted me and said that if I needed to talk we could do so by phone, or by text. We spent the entire afternoon texting back and forth, and I was able to pour my heart out to her, discussing things that I have never told anyone else. There was no judgement, no disappointment from her. Just unconditional love and support, and she offered scripture to show that if I had asked for forgiveness, then I was forgiven. And as part of my salvation, those things were gone, that person was not me, and I had to forgive myself. Its taken a LOT of years, but I have finally succeeded in doing it. Will I ever get to the point that I can talk about it, probably not. It truly is between me and God. I know I am past it, because Satan tried to pull his game of bringing it up to rub my nose in the shame, but for the first time, the pain was gone. There was just a twinge, instead of the gut wrenching agony. I have been set free! 

The last few days I have had another struggle. I look at the things I struggle with, and decide if they are from God or from Satan. All of these struggles hurt, but growth is hard and painful. But if the pain is from shame and regret, then its Satan, but if its the pain that comes from healing, or growth, then its God. We had things very hard growing up, and I knew true hunger as a kid. There were many times that we had what is now known as food insecurity. Our kitchen was like Old Mother Hubbard's cabinets. It wasn't a matter of me being a picky eater, because I ate a lot of things I didn't like out of necessity. My pickiness was a result of those things. As I grew up, those hard times changed me, and defined me. I became a food hoarder. I panic if we run out of corn, no matter how many other vegetables we have. I buy stuff on sale, even if I don't need it, because I might. I stress over groceries, even though I know that we are fine. But its my security. My children have never known true hunger as I did. I hope they never do. But that jar on the pantry shelf of my mind has started to fester. I see hunger in others. There are some children that have come in to my life that know hunger. They know neglect. They know that they need someone to show them love. And they break my heart. Because I can see myself in them. I know this is a God thing, because its for my healing. 

But as my counselor and I talked about it today she said something that I never thought about. She said that the things we go through, God allows so we know how it feels and can then use those things to help others. If someone has never known hunger, how are they going to see it in others and be moved to help? If someone has never known pain, how are they going to recognize when others are hurting, and be there for them? If someone has never been in the valley, how will they know to offer a hand up to someone that is struggling out of their own valley? God has given me an empathy like I have never had before. I see pain in others, I see loneliness and emptiness. I see hunger. It is not something I like seeing. Life was simpler when I was hard hearted and not caring. But its not the path God had for me. I cry more than I ever have. But now I weep for others more than for myself. 

I have wondered for so long why all the things I have gone through had to happen to me. Why I have been down this painful path. Why I have had to be so different. Because God needed me on this path, to learn these lessons to use them to help someone else. There has been a scripture that has been so heavily on my heart the past few days. A friend and I discussed it also. 
Matthew 25:34-40

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Verse 40 is the kicker for me. Whatever you did for the LEAST of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me. God put me on the path I was on, to learn these lessons and then be able to use my experiences to help others. I am sure that as I go through the others jars on my pantry shelf, God will uncover other situations, that my experiences will be for good, and for His glory. Life can be very painful. We are all here for a reason, our lives have meaning, and we should use our experiences, both good and bad, to help those around us. So when we are in the mire, and covered in mud, and hurting, we need to look for the message. God is possibly using it for something later on. And the knowledge we gain from it, needs to be used. Like putting our candle on a light stand, not under a basket, otherwise God wasted the lesson. 

These kids I shared about have broken my heart. But its the best thing ever, because the scab has been ripped off of a very deep, old sore, and it can now heal. I am sure it will leave a scar, but the lessons learned won't be for nothing, because God has opened my eyes to pain in others, and I can help. I may not be able to change the lives of these kids, but I can do all I can to give them hope. I can show them love, feed them when I can, and pray specifically for them, that God will show them His never ending love. 

But its not just for me. Everyone has gone through something. Everyone has surely had a measure of pain, that they can use the memory of to lift someone else up. I am going through the end of a marriage, and trying to learn to live life on my own. Some people have never experienced this, and have no idea the struggle. But others have, and have reached out to me with advice, and encouragement. They have NO IDEA how much that has meant to me. At times has been the difference between falling down, and pushing forward. We all can be a gift to each other, if we spend our time building each other up, especially the younger kids, who may have no one in which to turn. If we do this for the least, we do it for God. Its the difference between being a sheep or a goat. A wheat or a tare. And the difference between hearing God say, "Depart from me, for I never knew you,"  or hearing Him say "well done, My good and faithful servant." I don't know about you, but that last line sounds so much better than the first. 

God loves us, so Live Loved. If you have been saved, you are forgiven. Live Redeemed. God has given us so much more than we deserve, so Live a life of Service. Take the lessons of life and use them for His glory. And then you will truly LIVE. 

Bacon

Life is a lot like bacon. Now everyone that knows me, knows how much I love bacon. And I'm sure some are rolling their eyes at that statement but it is true. Life is a LOT like bacon. There are two kinds of bacon, no wait, make that three kinds. There is awesome bacon, decent bacon and crappy bacon. Think about that a minute. There are people shaking their heads and saying "No, all bacon is awesome bacon" but not really. 

There is Black Label bacon, which to me is the best of the best. Followed by Oscar Mayer center cut. These are the best quality, meatiest, most flavorful types of bacon there is. But.... they are also the most costly. I'm talking over $8 a pound bacon which means Beckie only gets it when its on sale, and I mean a really good sale. 

Then you have your Farmland bacon, which is my favorite, mostly because my son works in the Farmland foods warehouse. Farmland bacon is good, comes in several varieties, some are thick cut, some are thin cut, there is double smoked, lower sodium, and even lower fat (which means they just cut the fattier edges off). But there is a lot of variety to choose from, its a little more expensive but they put it on sale A LOT, at buy one get one free..... my favorite sale! 

Then you have your cheap bacon. Best choice, Best Buy, Ole Carolina, etc. And I am sure those are passable for bacon. But your fat to meat ratio is going to be a bigger concern. And some of the smoking preferences are not the greatest. 

So how is this like life? Well. Life is what we make it to be. We can choose a life like Black Label, that is super expensive, where we spend all of our time chasing a dollar, trying to live like the Jones'. We can be unsatisfied, because we can't afford those expensive vacations, cars, clothes and houses that others have. We can brag that we are having Black Label bacon for breakfast, not letting others know we are then eating ramen noodles for supper because we have shopped above our means.

 Or we can eat cheap bacon. Its decent and cheap, and I guess its filling, but is it really satisfying? Do we live our lives just day to day, not looking for the beauty in life? Do we spend the time with our kids and family that we should? Do we take the time to smell the flowers, take walks, share baked goods with the neighbors? Life is not satisfying if we aren't living it to the fullest. I'm not talking financially, as it's a matter of some have more than others, but we can take what we have and live a full life with it. 

I prefer a life of average bacon. Farmland. There is a lot of variety, its on sale a lot and its delicious! I have an average life. I work. I spend time with my family, though not enough. I spend time with my church family, and my friends. I spend time outside in the garden. I bake and share with friends and family. I try to help people when I can. I am kind of a bacon hoarder at times. (Well, most of the time) and in life I am somewhat of an introvert. I am very generous, but I tend to hold back a lot. I hide a lot of what I am feeling and going through. Even from the people who think they know all about me. 

Up until couple of years ago I rarely bought or ate bacon. True story! When I cooked it, I ate maybe a piece or two. I told myself I really didn't like it, because I had someone telling me all the time how bad it was. That is how I lived life as well. I told myself I didn't need to do this or that, didn't need friends, or to go places and do things. I lived a very shallow, sad and lonely life. I think the first weekend after my life changed I went and bought a package of bacon, the good stuff, and cooked and ate the entire package by myself. This was my way of saying, life is going to be good now. I can do things the way I want to and be okay. Its how I try to live life now. Yes, I realize that bacon is not overly healthy in excess. But I don't eat it nearly as often as I talk about it. I wish I did. 

So my point is this. Life is short. Too short to worry about everything. Too short to not LIVE. But, it must be enjoyed, without unnecessary stress, so live a life you can afford. Life isn't about STUFF, its about memories! Some people think they need an expensive vacation every year. It gets to be a habit and they really don't enjoy it because they are already trying to figure out where to go the next year to top that one. I took my first true vacation trip last year to Chicago. I may or may not take another one. But I made enough memories on that one trip to last a lifetime! But also, life can be enjoyed at every level. Some of my best memories with my kids are fishing trips a few miles down the road. No cost. But lots of love, laughter and memories. Just because you don't have as much as others, doesn't mean you have to let life pass you by. 

And lastly, watch closely the life you are living. Its like buying bad bacon. Look in that little window in the back, to see if what you are getting is all fat, or lots of meat. Don't just think that because its expensive or on sale that its all the same, or that its the best there is. It's not. Look at the people you are letting in your life, the ones who want to tear you down. Look at the situations you are going through, are there ways to avoid them. Those flaps on the back of the bacon package are there for a reason, so that you can examine the product and make the best decision before you buy it. Jumping through life without examining the path you are on, is dangerous, or disappointing. Because even though it might seem exciting now, there may be downfalls later. 

And it is very important to SHARE your bacon, because holding it all for yourself is not healthy, just like sharing your life with others is important, because life without friends is empty and lonely. And on that note, I think I need to go fix some bacon! All this typing has made me hungry!

Reacting to the Storm

I think a common misconception that we have, is that as Christians we shouldn't have storms and struggles. We think that once we accept Christ, our lives should be easy. Oh, how I wish that were so. But since we are now living as strangers in a land that is no longer our home, it becomes much harder. We know that Satan has a large control over the earth, as said in 2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

So it goes to show that as Christians we are now the enemy of Satan, so he is going to do everything he can to derail us, discourage us and to tempt us back to a sinful life. We, as Christians, will struggle with these things for as long as we are following Christ. These are storms that we go through. There are also times that we are put through hard times by God, to test our faith, to teach us lessons, to help us grow. These are also storms. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the storms of life that we go through. And I think how we react to them says a lot about our faith. I have been thinking and reading a lot about two strong men of the Bible. One old testament, and one new testament. Job was a righteous man. He was favored of God, so much that God bragged about him to Satan. Satan then told God that the only reason Job followed God was because God had protected him. So God gave Job over for Satan to test, to see if he would turn his back on God if things got hard. My favorite quote of Job's is this:
 The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

It didn't matter how much Satan put Job through, even the loss of his children, and all his possessions, he never turned his back on God. I will admit that I am no Job. I have been through some storms lately. Some have been kind of like a summer storm, and some have been tornadoes. I have had a headache for five months. It is usually just bothersome, but at times it goes in to a full blown migraine that knocks me to the ground. I have tried to figure out what brought it on. Medically, its sinuses for the most part. But spiritually, it has brought me down. I have missed more church in this past 5 months than ever before, because of the pain. The noise of too many people, or music causes pain at times. I have had to leave the sanctuary during the praise songs. I have quit singing in the choir. After Bible study I don't stand around and talk, because it gets loud, I go to the copy room and work on the bulletin, and miss out on the fellowship. I have battled depression, I have over medicated. I have at times struggled with suicidal thoughts. I have begged God to take the pain from me. I have prayed more. I have searched through my life for sin that I have not confessed. I have removed harmful people from my life, I have stepped back from toxic relationships. I have sought counsel from more mature Christians who can point me to the scriptures I need. I have forgiven people that never asked for it. I let go of dreams that cause me pain, that can never have a good outcome. I have started praising God in the midst of the storm. 

People ask me all the time how my headaches are, because I don't mention them as often. They are there. But after all this time they have become a part of me. I am not sure I would know what it felt like to not have a headache. I know that one day I will wake up and it will be gone, but in the mean time, I have a life to live and as long as it's not a migraine, I will go on as normal. I choose to praise God. I know that the headache has been for good. I would never have started this blog without the headache. I would never had sought counseling  and dealt with past hurts. I would not be writing. Over a year ago, God put it in my mind that I needed to write, to use the talent He gave me to bring glory to Him. I had no self confidence so I ignored it. Now I am listening. And because I have been obedient, God has blessed me considerably. I will continue to praise Him, even in the midst of the storms. 

The second Bible character is Paul. Paul is different from Job. Paul started out as Saul, and was NOT a good person. He did much to persecute the early church, and even was present at the stoning of Stephen. But God still redeemed him, showing that no one is above redemption, or above being used by God. But when we get to thinking too much of ourselves, sometimes God has to bring us down a bit, to keep us humble. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 says he was given a thorn in the flesh. . 7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself!8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have had thorns in my flesh. There are times that God calls me to do things, and I do them, and feel really good about myself, and somewhat proud of my obedience. Then I sometimes forget that its not about me, but for God's glory. I have had people put me down, make fun of me. I get my feelings hurt, or have past mistakes brought up to discourage me, or make me question my faith. I have asked God repeatedly to take the tough situations away from me, to give me an easier path, and these verses come to mind, as His answer. His grace is sufficient for me. Lean on His grace to get me through. Maybe that is the key to the headaches. They keep me searching. They keep me humble. They keep me looking toward God. When my iron count was bottoming out, and the headaches were unbearable a friend of mine told me she didn't see how I functioned. I told her I functioned because I had to, and because God gave me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Despite the pain, the struggles, the doubts and the persecution I deal with because of my beliefs, I choose to praise God regardless. I will praise Him in the storm, the same way I praise Him on the sunshine filled days. One of my friends gave me a picture for my inspirational wall. It says "Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. " I am finally learning to dance. I may have two left feet and no rhythm, but God thinks I am as graceful as can be. He loves me, mistakes and all. He brings me storms, and allows me storms so that my faith increases, and to remind me that He is in control of my life, and really, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace. It's probably one of my favorite hymns. It's one I sing in times of stress and struggle. The other day I was driving home and the road was getting slick. I was scared, because my truck is rear wheel drive and a stick shift and I am not great with either. I had already slid once, and also my wiper was broken so I was worried about visibility. I started to pray, out loud. I struggle sometimes when I am asked to pray at church, because I am not that great at it, and there are so many who say these nice pretty sounding prayers and I seem to stutter and stammer through mine. I forget its not those around me that its for, but for God. And I forget that no matter how bad my prayer sounds,  Jesus is there to rework it so that it is perfect when God hears it. But anyway, I was praying. And then I just felt the need to sing. I know a lot of contemporary Christian songs and sing them. But at that time, I just felt the need to sing a hymn. 

I am not a good singer by any means. I took voice lessons as a kid, but was told NEVER to sing with the radio, as it messes up your pitch. Well, thirty some years later, and lots of radio singing, and my voice isn't that great. I sing at church, I sing in the choir, but would never sing a solo. But on the way home that day, I sang a solo for God. Amazing grace. Over and over again. LOUDLY. And I really started listening to the words I was singing. I have sang it hundreds of times, but I guess I never really, REALLY listened to the words. Or maybe I never applied the thoughts of the words to my life. 

1. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
   That saved a wretch like me!
   I once was lost, but now am found;
   Was blind, but now I see.

I never knew what grace was before I was saved. I sure didn't extend it to anyone, as I was a major grudge holder. I didn't know what forgiveness was, so how did I know I needed it? I thought I was saved as a kid, so I was "okay", but in all actuality, I was lost as could be, and living a terrible life. I was a true wretch, who deserved nothing, but God still chose me. He found me in the pile of muck I was living, and cleaned me off, and saved me.

1. ’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
   And grace my fears relieved;
   How precious did that grace appear
   The hour I first believed.
2. I had been in and out of churches most of my life, never staying in one more than a year or two before quitting.I had never felt conviction like I felt when I started at Solid Rock. I guess maybe I had small pangs of it, but then it became Hard and Loud. I would sit through church services and then go to my car and cry before I went home. But at the moment that I accepted Christ, the feeling of love and acceptance that flowed through me was like nothing I had ever felt before. 
3. 
   
4. Through many dangers, toils and snares,
   I have already come;
   ’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
   And grace will lead me home..
5. 
   

 Once He made me His, I could see back through my life, all the things He had done, the ways He had worked. He had kept me safe several times. There are stories I could tell that I know were divine interventions. Times when I got out of scary and dangerous situations in ways that were almost miraculous. When I was in Chicago, I could feel His presence and knew He was keeping me safe. As long as I keep my eyes on Him, I don't sink. 

1. The Lord has promised good to me,
   His Word my hope secures;
   He will my Shield and Portion be,
   As long as life endures.

God takes care of me. He always has, but I see it more since He saved me. I have always struggled with my bills, but it seems like things always work out that I can afford whatever comes along. When I was planning my first vacation last fall, I suddenly was given a lot of extra hours at work, and other opportunities that helped me earn the money needed. He has put opportunities in my path now that are taking me places I had only dreamed of. Doing things I always wanted but never dared to try. Like writing. God had put it in my heart awhile back to write, to use my words to bring glory to Him. And because I do, He has brought me more opportunities to write. My hope is in Him, and He never lets me down.

1. Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
   And mortal life shall cease,
   I shall possess, within the veil,
   A life of joy and peace.
2. 
   

I used to be so afraid of death. But now I am not. I think the verse that talks about being absent from the body but present with the Lord now has new meaning to me. I will close my eyes here, and wake up in Heaven. I fear for my kids and family if I die, but I do not fear death itself. And I know that nothing on earth can take God away from me, and that everything here is just temporary.

1. The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
   The sun forbear to shine;
   But God, who called me here below,
   Will be forever mine.
2. Everyone keeps saying the time is short, that we don't have a lot of time left before the end. I have read enough of the book of Revelation to know that those days are going to be ugly. But I also know that the God who saved me, will take me home. Nothing will stop Him from loving me, from wanting me to be His. I never knew unconditional love until God showed it to me. 

1. When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
   Bright shining as the sun,
   We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
   Than when we’d first begun.
2. My favorite verse of all. Time seems forever here, but sometimes fleeting at the same time. I have been on this earth for 46 years. That sounds like a long time. I have been a Christian 3.5 years. But when I get to heaven, and see Jesus face to face, and stand in the presence of God, and there is no end, that is going to be the best feeling ever. I cry every time I sing that verse. Because that is the verse that drives it all home. If you are His, then you will be there forever! I keep thinking that when I get there, I want to do this, and this, and this. I want to ask Jesus questions. I want to hang out with Jonah, since he is the Bible character I am most like. There are so many people from the Bible that I want to talk to, to ask more about their stories than the Bible tells. (must be the writer in me). But I know that when I get there, nothing will be more important than worshiping at the feet of God. And I will never run out of time to do it. 

I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness. I am thankful that He loved me enough to save me. I am thankful for the writing ability that He gave me, to use to bring glory to Him, and to bring enjoyment to myself and to others. I have spent more than enough time beating myself up for the mistakes of the past. God has forgiven me and given me His grace to cover those mistakes. I am learning to extend that same grace and forgiveness to myself. God is good. And I am so thankful for His Amazing Grace. 

Forgiven

I think the biggest struggle I have as a Christian is remembering that I am forgiven. Satan loves nothing more than to unpack the memories of my past life and rub my face in the shame of the person I used to be. And it works every time! I can be cruising right along, serving God and all of a sudden something triggers a memory of something in my past that I am not proud of, and BOOM, I am swimming in a mire of regret, or self hatred, because of things that I knew better than to be doing. Then I start beating myself up, and I get depressed, because I have not been a person that I can be proud of. I take my eyes off of God, and like Peter, I start sinking like a stone. 

When all I have to do is remember that I am forgiven. My sins have all been washed away. The Bible says that when we confess our sins God is just to forgive them, and not only that, but He forgets them, and puts them as far away from us as the east is to the west. God never wants to look at the sins we have committed once He has forgiven us for them. So why do we keep letting Satan bring them to our remembrance and make us feel like we have not been forgiven? 

I have some things in my past that I have really struggled with. Satan nails me with them over and over again. Then I start to wondering if I really have been forgiven, did I forget to confess this to God? So I take it to God, ask forgiveness, over, and over, and over again. I know that God is patient, but I think sometimes He shakes His head at me and sighs deeply and says, "Here we go again." I have been talking to my counselor about it and she said that I have to remember that when I got saved that I became a new person. That I am not the person I used to be, that did the things that Satan reminds me about. She said that I cannot continue to beat myself up for the mistakes of my past, because all that does is give Satan power, and it keeps me from fully serving God. 

I have thought a lot about that this past week. I am one of those reflective people who sit and ponder things for hours. I have had a lot of quiet alone time this week, and have done a lot of thinking and soul searching. I have realized that I have been a lot like Lot's wife, I  have so much ahead of me that is wonderful, but I cannot resist looking back at the life I once lived. While I don't fear being turned in to a pillar of salt, I am just about as worthless as one, when I do this, because I am not looking at God, and towards the new life He has made for me to live. I have to conquer Satan on this, and break his power over me in this. I am really good at giving this advice to friends and family but really struggle hard at taking it. God saved me. He chose me. He knew about my past and loved me anyway. Jesus loved me enough to die for me, to pay the price for my sins so I would be able to be forgiven of them. Sometimes I get down and think that God surely made a mistake in choosing me, and that if He would look back over His records and see the life I have lived, He would take back His gift of salvation, but I know that is not possible! Nothing slips by God, and He sent His Son to save those who were broken, and full of sin. He is the great physician, who can lovingly fix the most awful mess and turn it in to something beautiful. When God looks at me He doesn't see the mistakes I made, He sees the one He loves. In the Bible,  John always refers to himself as the one Jesus loved. But any of us who are children of God, can say the same thing. WE are also the one that Jesus loved. God loved us enough to create us, and send His Son to die for us, Jesus loved us enough to go through that horrible death so that we can spend eternity in Heaven with Him, and the Holy Spirit loves us enough to convict us of our sins so that we will confess them.
And Satan...... Satan hates us. Because we turned from him to God. Because we quit living a worldly life and started trying to live a Godly one. We struggle, yes. We fail, oh all the time. And every time we do Satan thinks that he has us where he wants us, and that if he can keep us down, we will turn our back on God and go back to following him. So he starts reminding us of our failures, making us feel unworthy of God's love and grace. But I have decided that I am not going to play his game anymore. I am a born again, forgiven child of God. I have been adopted in to the family of God. I have been set free. I am the one that Jesus loved. It's what we have learned our whole life, we even taught it to our kids. Jesus loves me, this I know...... and even though I have made mistakes, and still do, they are not what defines me. What defines me, is how I choose to worship and serve the One who created me. I am not defeated..... I am FORGIVEN!!

Is Your Tongue a Sword or a Tool?

There is a verse in Proverbs that has really been on my mind tonight. Its Proverb 12:18. "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  I have been thinking about this verse because its one that has been affecting me a lot lately. I love words. As a writer I guess that would be necessary, but I believe in the power of words. 

Words have many functions. They can entertain, they can educate. They can encourage. They can be used to build a person up. But they can also be used to hurt, to discourage and to completely tear a person down. Words spoken in anger are almost always a danger to someone's feelings. But in all actuality, words spoken while joking can be just as painful. Careless words hurt as much as planned attacks. This is a struggle that I have been having lately. I have been verbally abused for much of my adult life. And truth be told, I was verbally abused as a child too. I have been bullied, and made fun of. And in my pain I have done the same to others. But I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of being hurt, of being abused and being made to feel small. I am weary of people who are supposed to be my friends, taking pleasure in belittling me with their comments. Maybe I am being thin skinned, but it hurts. 

In counseling we have been discussing this. I am supposed to examine every relationship I have, and decide whether that person builds me up or tears me down. Lately I have been doing this. And perhaps that examination has made me super sensitive where before I was not. But I have noticed more and more, the people who claim to be my friends are the ones who hurt me the most. I have to wonder why? Are they hurting in their own lives so that they have to try to bring down others around them so that they can feel better about themselves? Or are they just not realizing that the words they say are damaging to the ones around them? The hardest part to realize is how I gave these people so much power over me and my feelings that I have allowed them to hurt me so much. 

I am one of those people that, when I am someone's friend, I give my all to that friendship. Perhaps I give too much. I open my heart completely and let those people in. I give them access to my emotions, to my feelings and I share my hopes and dreams with them. Most of the time, they take very good care of them, and help me on the path that I go, encouraging me, or cheering me on. They laugh with me, and cry with me. But once in awhile, a counterfeit friend sneaks in, who only has selfish motives. They think they are being a friend, but its more about what you can do for them, than what they are willing to do for you. And when you cease to be of use to them, then they take the knowledge that they have of your life, and they use those things as weapons against you. They know which buttons to push, and the fastest and easiest way to hurt you. Oh, they don't come right out and say that they aren't your friend anymore, because they might need you again in the future. But they still hurt you. And honestly, some may not even realize that they are hurting you, under the guise of trying to be funny, or thinking they are being cute. But when it continues, a person really has to start deciding if they want these people in their lives anymore. 

Another Bible verse that I really like is Ephesians 4:29:  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I am not saying that I am not equally guilty of unwholesome talk. But if I see that someone is trying to improve their life, or do something different, I do what I can to encourage them. If someone asks me about something they are writing, I don't lie and tell them its great when it isn't, but I also don't trash it completely and crush their dreams. I build them up while pointing out ways to improve it. I encourage them to keep working on it. I offer any help I can. That goes with anything that someone is doing. I know people who are trying to lose weight, and have failed attempt after failed attempt. And each time they come to me, telling me they plan to lose weight, I encourage them. I do not feel the need to remind them of every failure in the past. Or belittle or make fun of them. I try to be the positive in their life and do what I can to help them. 

God wants us to love each other. And we don't hurt the ones we are supposed to love. If the words we are saying cause them pain, then maybe we need to rethink the words we use. If we think we are joking, and we realize that we are hurting them, then we need to find different words to use. Sometimes we don't realize what all a person is going through in their life. We don't realize that what we are saying in fun, may be a reminder of what someone else said to them in anger, and we are pouring salt on a wound. 

I have been taking a step back from many hurtful relationships. These so called friendships have become toxic and these people just are not good for me. They spend more time tearing me down, than being there for me. I have spent hours crying or hurting over things they have said or done. Being let down by them, when I needed them most. Being a Christian does not mean we have to be a punching bag for someone, physically or emotionally. We can love and respect someone but sometimes it might need to be from a distance. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being made to feel small. 

I am trying to watch more carefully the things that come out of my mouth. Remember the old saying, "if you have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I am a lot more quiet than I used to be. I bite my tongue a lot. Because I do not want to add to someone elses pain the way I have been hurt. I have really started watching how I talk about myself, to myself, to others and about others. Because I know my tongue can be a sword. And I would rather it be a tool, to build someone up, rather than tear someone to shreds. Life is hard. Life hurts. I have had a lifetime of pain and I just want to be happy. I want to write, and travel, and laugh. I want to see new things, and make new friends. I want to eat bacon, and bake new desserts. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, that I can love in return. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be like honey, sweet and enjoyable. And I want the words that I hear to be the same. So to my friends, think before you speak. Build up, instead of tear down. And for the ones who have hurt me, I already forgive you. But if I have taken a step back, and you wonder why? Think about how you talk to me, and that might be your biggest clue. 

I leave you with one more scripture. Matthew 12:36-37 "But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."  These are tough words. I have many words to give account of, and for this I am ashamed. But I hope that in the future, that my choices are better, and the words that come out of my mouth are more pleasing to God. Because in all actuality, He is the only one I want to make happy, and the way to do that, is to show love to the ones He has put in my path. 

Letter from God

A while back I was going to a different counselor and she gave me an assignment that I was to write a letter to God, pouring out my feelings and problems to Him. And then I was to write a letter FROM God, using scriptures to back up what I thought He might say in response. It seemed to be an impossible assignment but as I was doing everything I could do to get past the depression that was getting darker every day, I decided to give it a try. I sat down, and over an hour poured out my heart to God. But it was tough. What was I going to say to Him. I would type. I would delete. No, that sounds whiny. That sounds dumb. God isn't going to think this is important enough to ask Him about. Then it came to me that God already knows, and He thinks everything about us is important, because He loves us. God doesn't just want our big problems, He wants our tiny ones. He wants us to come to Him when we lose our car keys, when we have a bad day, and when we want to give up. I finally made it though the letter, and then sat there. It was time to write the response From God. I prayed, and sat down, closed my eyes, and began to type. Words flowed from my fingertips at lightening speed. I am not a good typist, but my fingers flew across the keyboard. Finally, I reached the end, and looked back at what I had typed. It was the most perfect thing I had ever done. I shared it with a couple of people but have just sat on it since. But God has been working on me lately that I need to share the gift He gave me, the letter that reads so perfectly I know that the Holy Spirit inside me delivered that as a message from God. SO here goes:

Dear Beckie,

I know at times your life doesn't make sense, but Know that I have plans for you. Plans to bring you a future and a hope. Sometimes the road seems hard. You make rash decisions, without seeking My will for you. You veer off the path I have for you. Then I must re-route you to put you back on My path. These side routes are hard, but necessary to find the Narrow Gate of righteousness, away from the wide gate that leads to destruction. My child, I know you, I know all the suffering you have gone through, I know that even when you fail, you succeed, because you learn and grow. All things work for good for those who love Me. Before I formed you in your mothers womb, I knew you. I knew where you would end up, and there is a purpose for it, just as there is a purpose and a time for everything under the sun. I love you Beckie, so much that I sent My Son to die for you, so that you could live for Me and with Me eternally. When the time was right, I called you. You were stubborn, and rejected Me many times, but I kept calling you, kept drawing you closer to Me, and I knew that you would eventually turn to Me. My children know Me, they hear My voice, I have called to you many times, you recognized My voice because you belong to Me. I send you trials and temptations to strengthen you, to help you grow. To prove to Satan that you belong to Me. I don't give you any trials that are more than others have gone through, including My own Son, and I always give you a way out, so that you can stand up under the trial. Sometimes you fall, sometimes you forget to listen for My voice, you take your eyes off of Me, and wander away. But you always come back, and I am here waiting on you. Because I love you. Even when the demons come, and attack you, for My sake, remember that Jesus defeated them on the cross. Remember the end of the Bible, Beckie We win. Satan can only hurt you for a little while, but through Me, you will have victory. Keep your eye on the cross, on Me. When you feel unloved, remember how much I love you, Remember that Jesus loved you enough to die for you. Remember that I have placed people in your life to love you and make up for the ones who didn't. You touch their lives in ways you don't even realize and through you, their faith in Me grows as well. You are a strong warrior, whether you believe it or not. I love you, I have faith in you. I never regret creating you. Remember, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts and My ways are higher than your ways. Its not up to you to understand, its up to you to live, to worship, to pray, and to grow in grace in Me. Life is hard, because Satan has control of the earth, but only for a little while longer, and then I will send My Son, to bring You and the rest of My children Home to Me. I cannot wait. But there is much to happen before that day. Keep up the fight, My child, keep looking up, keep listening for My voice. and always remember, that I love you. 

Love, God

I reread this letter whenever I feel discouraged. When life gets hard. Because in my heart I know this is what He would say to me. Think about your own life. If you were to write a letter to God what would you say? What questions would you ask Him? And if He sent a letter back, what truths do you think it would reveal? God loves me. My crazy life at times does not make any sense to me at all, but God understands it completely. I may not always do what is right, but sooner or later I figure it out. And my greatest hope and prayer, is that on the day I stand before Him, He looks at me with love, and says Welcome Home Beckie. 

Changing the definition of MY LIFE

There comes a time when we have to decide how much of someone else's baggage we are going to continue to carry around. Even worse, how much longer we are going to let the lives of others define us, and make us who we are. I have just that issue. I let the mistakes of others affect my own life to the point that I am no longer ME but an extension of them. My entire life I have never really been "Beckie". I have been Albert's daughter, Helen's daughter, Ethan and Nathan's sister. Then I became John's mom. Later when I remarried I became John's wife, Joey's mom, Katie's mom. But not Beckie. I let the decisions, and yes the MISTAKES of those in my life become my choices. 

I have had real issues with my birth mother, and the fact that I do not want to be like her. To the point that if I realized I had something in common with her, I would quit doing it. Its almost like spite, but it holds me back in so many ways. She likes medication. In fact, she LOVES medication. So I take my fear of her addictions, and sabotage my own life. I get to where I don't want to take the medication the doctor has prescribed to fix my health situation, because every time I take a hand full of pills, I see her face. So I quit taking my medication. Or skip doses as a way to prove to myself that I don't really have to take it. That I am not like her. And hurt myself in the process. Sometimes its minor things that people think would be petty and crazy and they probably are. Her favorite snack is Nutella. So I refuse to eat it, because that would make me like her. I have followed her path in so many ways, even before I found her. She got pregnant young, and so did I. She writes, and so do I. Several of my quirks I got from her. But some are so ingrained that I cannot step back from them, so I choose the ones I can deal with. 

I have habits that people look at me and shake their head. I cannot handle my food touching. I have this long drawn out theory of what foods are allowed to touch and go together based on "rules" of food.  I have struggles with eating two different colors of M&M's at the same time. I used to pour my candy out and sort it according to colors, and eat it, in the order of the way they fall on the rainbow. These are things I am working on getting under control, getting past. Because these are things I got from her. But my entire life I have lived by the theory that "I don't want to be like her", but the problem with this is, I am letting her control my life, even though she isn't in it, because she is the basis of my decisions.

I recently left a very controlling and verbally abusive marriage. I decided to myself that I was no longer going to let him have control over me any more. But even though he is gone, he still has control. Every decision I make is based on things he has said, done, or thought, over the extent of our marriage. I have gotten in to a deep depression because its a struggle to break the pattern of life. Every day, the minute I got home from work, I was to go to the kitchen and start cooking. So now I rarely cook, because I don't have to. Its a rebellion, but its hurting me and my family, because we go our own ways, and eat separately, instead of having a family meal. My house is still his house, because he rules it silently, from a distance. Every decision I make is based on something in my head that I have heard him say. So I either follow the decisions he had laid down over the years, or I act in rebellion and do the opposite. But he still has control. I have to figure out how to take the control back, and make my decision be my decisions. But after so many years of being beat down emotionally, its hard. 

I am a list maker. I am one of those "to do list" freaks. When I cook Thanksgiving dinner, I make a menu, so I can check things off as I fix them. At work I have a list I keep written down, so I can check things off as I get them done. My friend made me make a To Do list of life. To list several short term goals to take control of my life back, and to get back on the right path. And she gave me a deadline. Some jobs are super simple, and some are going to be harder. Harder as in physically, and some are harder emotionally. Some are going to be like ripping a scab off of a wound, but it has to be that way in order to heal. Today that list is tucked away in my purse, like the shopping list I never can find when I get to the store. But I am going to rewrite it, and hang it on my wall. Because walking past and seeing those things not checked off will bother me, and I will have to take steps to getting the things accomplished. 

The people in my life and in my past only define me to the point that I allow it. And its time to stop allowing it. That is the only way I will truly take control of my life back. My life and my decisions should only be defined by my relationship with GOD, and by what will make me happy. I am not my mother, and I am no longer anyone's wife. Maybe on paper, but not in the ways that count. So today I am putting my foot down, and taking that first step in the direction of taking control back. I am not saying there won't be days of regression, and lots of tears. But I have friends in my life that are not going to see me fail. Today truly is "the first day of the rest of my life." And my checklist may end up very big, but I am going to work on my To Do list of life, until I get the life I want, and the life I DESERVE!

Depression... the never ending battle.

Depression is one of those tricky little things that creeps up on you when you least expect it. You can be doing really well, things are starting to look up, and then all of a sudden you realize that you are back-pedaling. That the darkness is overtaking you again, and you are starting to isolate. I love to be at church, I love my church family, but when the darkness starts to take over, I have to force myself to go to church. I can sit there, and wish I was anywhere else. I can feel completely and totally alone in a crowded room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to laugh, or sing, or smile. I try to fake it, to pretend I am okay when really, I am not.

Depression is like a buzzard circling in the sky over you, swirling closer and closer. I watch out in the fields and watch the eagles, the hawks, and the other scavengers circling over the top of a dead animal, and at times that sight just fascinates me, wondering what they are waiting for, why they just circle and circle, instead of just going down and landing. Then I realize that they are studying the situation. Depression is much the same way. Its always there on the edge, circling and waiting. Sleep becomes a struggle again, either you want to sleep too much, or you cannot sleep at all. Things that used to make you happy don't all of a sudden. People you normally talk to non stop, you find your self avoiding, so that they don't see that you are losing the battle again. Because it makes you feel like a failure. You start to isolate. Spending more and more time by yourself. You quit wanting to go places, you stop singing to the radio in the car. You keep your head down. Don't look anyone in the eyes. So they don't see the pain there. And the buzzards get closer.

You either start eating too much, or don't eat enough. You can look at food, and know you need to eat, and nothing tastes good. Or else you go on a mindless eating spree, trying to find happiness in the bottom of a potato chip bag. Or, for some people, you try drinking your troubles away, or taking pills, or self abusing. I am fortunate that I have not taken those roads. The roads I do take are troublesome enough. Words used on me in the past echo in my ears. They are like darts that pierce my heart, my mind and my whole being and make me feel worthless. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours. I cry. I fight the demons that tell me that I will never be good enough, that I am wasting my time trying, that I should stop fighting. That I should just let the darkness overtake me. And the buzzards get closer.

Sometimes they are so close I can feel their wings brush against me. Sometimes I can feel their claws in my back as they try to latch on to me, to drag me further down. I can feel their shadow over me, drawing closer, and its hard to breathe. Its impossible to think, the weight becomes almost unbearable. But a part of me keeps fighting. I reach out to people and ask them to pray, because when I get that low, I cannot even find the words to pray. I hide it well, I can carry on a conversation, I can pretend to be happy, I can even laugh, all the while I feel like I am drowning. Like I am dying inside. And at times I want to. But God lives inside of me, and He tells me that I am better than this. That I have to keep fighting the demons that are trying to keep me from feeling God's love. The Bible says that satan is like a prowling lion, seeking who he can devour. I think he is also like a soaring buzzard. Because I know depression is not of God, but it is something satan uses to keep us from being what God wants us to be. To keep us from knowing God's love, to keep us down, instead of letting us live happily. I notice that when I do great things for God, or I am getting ready to, that the depression hits. It sidelines me for awhile, until I battle my way back out of the murkiness.

Depression is something I may struggle with the rest of my time here on earth. I have battled it for a lot of years. Sometimes I win, sometimes it wins. but I think the key is that I never give up. I have to keep praying, keep my friends praying for me, keep fighting, and keep helping those around me that I see are struggling with the same situations. I can see that sadness in other people. I can sense their pain, and can almost see the demons that they, themselves are struggling with. I want so badly to help them, but I don't know how, when I can barely keep my own head above water. But I still reach out, I share my story with them, I share my struggles so they know they aren't in this alone. That someone understands just what they are going through. Because depression's power is in the isolation, in making you feel that no one understands. And if I can help someone else loosen its hold against them, then maybe it will break its hold on me as well. Depression makes you feel hopeless and empty. Like a freezer with no bacon in it. My freezer has a lot of bacon in it and therefore my life has hope and meaning. I know that probably doesn't make sense but in my little world it does. Bacon=happiness. So I keep struggling, keep fighting, keep praying and keep eating bacon, and sooner or later, (hopefully sooner) the depression will lift again, the buzzards will fly away, and I will be able to breathe, and laugh and life will be happy once again. But I know, its always there, circling and waiting.

I am......ME! (and not a mistake)

Being adopted has a lot of downfalls. The main one is not knowing your medical history, and secondly, not knowing your family history. When I was 21 I searched for my birth family and found them, and got medical information. I was told that I was German, and Cherokee. But still, when you look in the mirror, you don't really know. I have some parts of my birth mother, but other parts that I assume must have been from the man who helped to give me life. I cannot really call him my father, because he will always be a mystery to me. I have spend my life feeling like I was just someone's mistake. I have had people in my life that have reinforced that idea over and over, until it became who I thought I was.  

Recently, a friend and I started tracing our family genealogy. I had a hand full of names of relatives and I started entering them in the ancestry registry. Leaf after leaf appeared, taking me back another generation, and another. Through the 1800's when I found a relative that was Cherokee, and was on the Trail of Tears. Through the 1700's when I found relatives that fought in the American Revolution. 1600's when my family arrived in Jamestown on a ship.... from England. I am English! All of a sudden titles started to appear, Richard Cave, High Sheriff, Sir Robert, Lord of Helmsley, Barons, Knights, Lords of Estates, . Further back in to the 1300's William "the Lion" Huntington, King of Scotland. I found relatives that fought with William Wallace, and were hung, drawn and quartered and their heads hung on London Bridge! Back farther still, Edward the Elder, King of the Anglo-Saxons during the 900's. Cynric King of Wessex from 530. More leaves. Flocwald Asgard, King of the Trojans. in the year 100. and still leaves were popping up, until the last leaf was on Hwala Asgard, 120 BC.......BC..... I traced my family lineage to Before Christ. I sat there and stared at that name, and that date. Most of the people I know can trace their family back to the 1700's, or maybe the 1600's when they immigrated here, but to trace it back this far! The only way possible was that the royals kept records that most people do not. I traced my family back 83 generations. Through England, Scotland, Norway, Scandanavia, Germany, Iceland, Afghanistan, I had a relative that died in Australia. How can this be? I am nothing. But now all of a sudden I have this fantastic family tree, with hundreds of branches. I started out with 4 generations of names, and took it back 79 more, over 500 relatives names so far, and more leaves to click on the outer branches. I was busy going up, now I have to go out and fill in all the blanks. 

The history is fantastic, great stories, pictures of castles, statues, scrolls of family records, legends, monuments to great deeds. Portraits of family members. There are people who achieved great things, took great risks, lived, and traveled, and fought. One relative was married twice and had 23 kids between the two wives.  But I still had to wonder why I was finding so much information and my friends were not. Then a verse came to my mind. Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."  Now I am not talking about the prophet part of that, because I am no prophet, but the first part of that verse, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you...... God knew me, Before He formed the earth, He had a plan for me. All the way back to Hwala Asgard in 120 BC God knew that I would be born in 1969. I was never a mistake, I was planned. Maybe not by my mother. To her I was the consequence of her sin, but I was a part of the Master's plan. If I had just gone back to 1800 and then dropped off like so many of the sections of my family tree did, I would have just kept with the idea that I was a goof. But to be able to trace a line back, proves that God always meant for me to be. 

This changes nothing in my life, When I was a kid, I used to daydream that my mother was a princess, and I had been kidnapped by gypsies and put up for adoption, like the fairy tales, and one day my royal family would search for me and find me and take me to the castle. But, that never happened, and yes I do come from royal lineage, but no one is going to come and whisk me away in a carriage (or a limo). My exterior life is going to go on just as it did before. But inside, I have changed. I have a family tree! I know what parts of the world my relatives came from. According to Katie this explains my love for tea, because I am English. Maybe this explains my love for English and Scottish accents! But all in all, it shows me that God loves me, and that He always did, even before I took my first breath. Sometimes we forget that He has plans for our lives. I came from a long line of greatness. There is a tiny piece of each of those people inside of me. The life span of many of my kin were in the 70-80's. So I know these health issues are not going to get the most of me because I come from strong stock! My family stood up for what they believed in, even to the death! So who am I to fear the struggles I deal with!?? God is working in my life and I need to live up to what He has created me to be. I don't know exactly what that is, but I am going to start preparing. God put it in me to write. I am writing. For years I kept the words tucked inside me, scared of being put down. Now I put them out there and the ones who are meant to, will read them and the others will not. But I honor God with my words. All that I am, I owe to Him. I may not have a lot of worldly possessions, but I have a heavenly home. 

God has perfect timing, He put me in this place at this time, and allowed me to find this information so He could reveal to me that I am worthy. I always have been, I just didn't realize it.